Dave Reviews Movies Part 6
Welcome back to Dave Writes About Every Movie He’s Seen That Was Made Between 2000 and 2009. With 28 films in 2004, the total is now 124. I had thought that maybe I wouldn’t even reach 100. Now 200 is looking like a real possibility.
Just a word about 2004… My list included that horrible Crash movie as being released in 2004, but I know it won the Best Picture Oscar for 2005. I wonder how that works?
Anyway, my previous lists were all in alphabetical order. Apparently for 2005, Wikipedia changed to listing movies by the dates they were released. So from here on out, my lists will be based on the chronological release date. Not that you give a shit.
Here’s what in store for 2005:
Sin City
I’m sure there’s a ton of people who love this film. It was made to replicate one of the most popular graphic novels of all time. (‘Graphic novel’ is what fans call it so it seems more sophisticated than a comic book.) I have no idea whether the stories are accurate retellings of the ones in the book, although the book’s author did disown the movie and call it a piece of crap. It’s not really a piece of crap, but the visual style is overbearing and the stories aren’t really that interesting. Well, the one with Mickey Rourke isn’t bad, but I just felt there was no point in getting attached to the characters since they’d be gone in twenty minutes anyways. I’ll probably see the sequel if it ever comes out because the director (I think it’s Robert Rodriguez) does a lot of cool stuff.
Fever Pitch
It’s typical chick flick claptrap with a Red Sox twist. The setup seems unreasonable… how does an elementary school math teacher afford season tickets near the home dugout? Jimmy Fallon isn’t as annoying as he usually is, and some scenes are kinda cute, like how he takes care of a sickened Drew Barrymore on their first date. The ending of the movie suffers from trying to tie into the Sox recent World Series win… the Farrely Brothers probably would have been better served just leaving their ending the way it was (essentially the same except none of the World Series stuff is thrown in), because once they tie it into the real world the suspension of disbelief goes out the window.
Kingdom of Heaven
The trailers for this kinda boned this movie, selling it as an adventure/love story. I went in thinking that’s what it was. It’s actually semi-based on the real life fall of Jerusalem after the death of King Baldwin IV in the middle ages. Apparently it’s not very accurate, but not many historical movies are. Orlando Bloom is forced to carry the picture and doesn't embarrass himself. Edward Norton does a masterful job playing behind a silver mask as the leper king, and the Muslim actor playing Saladin is terrific (I should look up his name). Like Troy, there really isn’t a good side or a bad side in this war. The script is spectacular, but the pacing leaves something to be desired- it feels like the story is sacrificed a bit just to get to more battle scenes. If you’ve seen the theatrical version, there’s a director’s cut out there that really fleshes out the story. I really enjoy this movie.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
This movie was supposed to tie it all together. I was hoping by the end I would understand all the baffling decisions George Lucas had made and realized they were all worth it because at least one of his prequel movies was good. Alas, it wasn’t to be. The movie opens with like a 45 minute space battle where nothing of consequence to the rest of the story happens. There’s a droid overlord introduced who coughs and hacks his way through a lame accent and just comes across as totally goofy. The guy playing Palpatine either hams it way up or speaks dreadfully slowly, which isn’t so much creepy as it is annoying. The Jedi dying scene is pretty powerful, but the way it is presented you’d think a few more Jedis than just Yoda and Obi-Wan would have lived. Anyway, Natalie Portman has her weakest performance at the worst possible time and the dramatic stuff on the planet from hell falls way flat because of poor scripting. If there ever is a sequel trilogy I really hope George Lucas is smart enough to hire a real writer, and hopefully a real director, because he lost his chops a long time ago. Pun intended.
Madagascar
I think this is Dreamworks. I don’t really care. I hate this movie. The animation is lame, the jokes lamer, and I really have no idea what the story even is. I tuned way out when this was on. So I should just stop talking about it now.
Cinderella Man
Russell Crowe plays a boxer I’ve never heard of who apparently saved America by boxing his way from the shit house to be Heavy Weight Champion of the World during the great depression. I don’t really care about the boxing stuff because it’s nothing that hasn’t been done by Rocky or Raging Bull or Rocky 2 or Undisputed or Rocky 3 and so on. The depression era stuff is engrossing, because we see Russell and Renee Zellweger at the beginning have it all in a big house, and only five years later they are living in a shitty cellar apartment along with the rest of New York. I think it’s important to remember that times are bad now, but it could be way worse. Hopefully we’re smart enough to not fuck it up that bad again. We’ll see.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
I love the super-secret spy genre, but for some reason this movie doesn’t work for me. Maybe it’s Angelina’s fault. I just haven’t found a movie where I actually liked her in any role. Or maybe it’s the fact that after True Lies I can’t watch a movie about a spy’s home life and take it seriously. The movie is OK I guess, with the best moments being after they figure each other out trying to reconcile all the lies they had been telling each other their whole marriage. And I like Brad Pitt. He’s always at least decent in any role.
Batman Begins
The latest Hollywood craze, reboots, started here. The eight years between the Schumacher assault-on-the-eyes Batman & Robin and this were well worth the wait. For those who loved the Burton Batman films, this one throws them completely out the window to give us for the first time the streamlined totally kickass Batman we’ve been clamoring for. But that’s only after the first real attempt on film to give Batman some motivation beyond, “My parents are dead.” Christian Bale is the breakout star and is surrounded by a great supporting cast… except for Katie Holmes. She just barely avoids ruining the movie. What really makes this movie stand out is how real it looks- how it makes Batman feel like a character that could conceivably exist in real life- right up until the clichéd runaway train bit at the end. I wish they could have come up with a better sequence than that. Oh well, it’s still a great movie.
War of the Worlds
This is a respectable retelling of the classic alien invasion story, this time not told from the perspective of the army, but by a family trying to stay alive while the world around them goes to shit. I like movies that have legitimate, “What the fuck are we going to do now?” moments, like when all the cars stop working because of the alien machines. Of course, this being a Spielberg movie, most of the nuance and terror of the earlier versions has been replaced with loads of CGI. And Tom Cruise is once again playing Tom Cruise, which I don’t really mind, but I guess you might.
Fantastic Four
Don’t let the title fool you, this isn’t that great of a movie. I heard reviewers say it’s almost like a superhero-lite, in that most of the heroes’ powers are used for gags instead of for actual heroic deeds. The movie also suffers from having to spend a lot of screen time introducing all four characters and their nemesis which leaves very little time to develop a plot. Apparently, the only reason Dr. Doom wants to destroy the Fantastic Four is because he’s jealous of their mostly tame powers. It’s a shame this movie had to be made at the same time as Batman Begins, because if it were made after, the producers would have realized that we want our superheroes to be gritty, not goofy. This doesn’t descend to the level of Adam West’s Batman, but it is too campy to be taken seriously.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
I grew up with fond memories of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I have since changed my mind about said movie, but I still admire Gene Wilder’s portrayal of Wonka as an insane but respected genius. Johnny Depp, however, never brings the ‘genius’ side to light. He instead seems to be focused on Willy Wonka as a creepy uncle who happens to own a candy factory and has issues with Christopher Lee, his father. Once again, Tim Burton fails to impress me… his movie isn’t as weird as I was expecting. The movie has to cram a lot of mini-stories into a reasonable runtime and just feels way too fast. And the musical numbers are kinda repetitive. I still sorta like it, but I’m not sure why.
The Constant Gardener
I don’t remember much about the plot. I know it involves Ralph Feines and Rachel Weizz playing journalists and falling in love. I think Rachel Weizz gets in over her head chasing some story and getting killed, and Ralph Feines has to make an international trip to put the pieces together. I’m pretty sure at the end he has to take on a multi-national corporation who killed her to cover-up some serious human injustices they were committing. It was good if a little boring.
Good Night, and Good Luck
Now here’s an ‘important’ Hollywood movie that really works. This is based around Edward R. Murrow’s daring attack on Senator Joseph McCarthy and his communist witch hunt. I don’t know if the guy playing Murrow is doing a good impression, but his look and voice are a perfect fit for the period depicted. McCarthy is played by stock footage, which is a predictable but brilliant choice- no actor could have appropriately recreated the hysterical nature of McCarthy’s attacks. The best moment in the movie comes when Murrow grants McCarthy the privilege of airing a response, and McCarthy goes on a baseless tirade claiming Murrow is a communist conspirator. Murrow then calmly tears into McCarthy’s attacks point by point and turns the once-powerful Senator into a gimmicky sideshow. George Clooney directed this, and I think he’s become a pretty decent filmmaker.
Doom
As a teenage boy raised in the 90’s, I clamored for a movie to be based around what was then the best game of all time. It took more than a decade for it to come out, and by then I knew what to expect. The film was farmed out to some lower-tier production team with a very slim budget, and the only recognizable star was a former wrestler. I haven’t seen this whole movie, but I’ve seen a few talkie scenes and a few actions scenes, which is enough to say this movie blows. The script is absent-minded and any story exists solely so we can watch people shoot cheap-CGI monsters. There’s a five-minute long scene near the end that mimics the first-person-shooter nature of the video game, but since it’s not you playing the game, there’s nothing exciting about it. If those graphics were to one day appear in Doom 4, it would be the best looking computer game ever. But here, it’s just another crappy scene.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Or, as I prefer to call it, Harry Potter and the Most Ridiculous Plot Contrivance Ever to Get Him Into That Graveyard. Seriously, this whole movie could have been avoided had that rat-face guy just bonked him on the head with something and dragged him to the graveyard. And they wouldn’t have risked Harry being killed by that dragon or by those lake nymphs. Also, aren’t they kind of relying on Harry, who was too young and weak and stupid to even be considered to do the tournament to begin with, to win the thing so he’ll touch the cup? And how the fuck did they get access to said cup to enchant it so it would bring him to the graveyard? And where’s Gary Oldman? Why was the entire third movie based around him if he was just gonna disappear for the entirety of this film? Uggh… I’m too tired to think of anything else to complain about, but I’m sure there’s more.
Walk the Line
I didn’t know a lot about Johnny Cash before I watched this movie. I have a feeling I still know very little about Johnny Cash after watching the movie. Why? Because it seems whenever Hollywood sticks its fingers into a biopic about a celebrity, the same two stories gets pulled out, either with a happy ending or with the celebrity dying. Johnny has a strained relationship with his father. He gets in with a drunken crowd and does drugs. He cheats on his wife. He rebels against conformity within the industry. He eventually reforms his drug-addled lifestyle. And in the end he marries a new love interest. So this one has a happy ending. It wasn’t a bad movie, but Joaquin Phoenix still seems like a strange choice to play Johnny Cash, if only because of what I know now about how weird the guy is.
Rent
I have only ever once screamed at a film imploring for a character to just die so the movie can end. It was this film. I really hated every character in this movie. To the guy who killed a dog for money and sang a happy song about it, to the hippie jackasses who complain about having no money to pay the rent but glorify their poorhouse lifestyle, to the asshole professor who rigs an ATM so they can steal money from it, to the jerks who at first bitch to their former best friend about jacking up rent prices but then when they are offered the chance to live for free, they stick it to him by paying the money anyway- they all can kiss my ass. I’ve heard people calling this a “rock opera”. No. First, crappy musicals don’t become rock operas because of a few wuss-rock tunes on the soundtrack. And two, operas don’t have speaking parts. Watch Tommy if you want to see a rock opera. Watch Rent if you can’t find a fork to jam in your eye and want to know what that pain feels like.
Syriana
Another George Clooney piece and ‘important’ movie, this time dealing with modern day wars for oil… I think. Honestly, it took me a while to really get into the plot. There are a few diverging paths the movie takes all kinda-sorta surrounding the doctor from Deep Space Nine playing the king of some Arab country and his oil fields. I should probably see this again, because I remember being intrigued by the plots, but it was tough to follow on just one viewing.
Brokeback Mountain
So I didn’t like Crash, and when that movie beat out Brokeback Mountain for the 2005 best film Oscar, I thought, “Jesus, Brokeback Mountain must really suck.” It took me a while to get around to seeing this movie, and I walked away sorta impressed. It is a beautiful movie visually, and I admire the film’s willingness to tackle a romantic relationship between two men. I had major issues with editing- some scenes seem to exist only to remind us what a complete ass Heath Ledger is, and the film’s only sex scene is sudden and completely out of context. The score was heavily lauded but I found it boring, consisting mainly of a short guitar piece repeated endlessly. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever intentionally watch this film again, and I wouldn’t exactly recommend it, but it’s not awful. It’s certainly better than Crash, which leads me to believe Hollywood simply fell for the anti-racism message of Crash and overlooked the fact that it sucked, or Hollywood wasn’t ready to fully praise a gay-romance movie.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
For a movie with a giant talking lion plastered all over the posters, trailer, and cover artwork, there’s only about 10 minutes of talking lion in this movie. The rest is spent with four young children and their quest to meet said lion after walking through an unexplained magic closet in some old guy’s house. For some reason these children are the key to saving this magic land from some evil ice queen. Also for some reason the talking lion has to be killed so the jerky kid can be saved. The movie is really too short to go over all that. There’s no time to really introduce the characters or to understand the magical world, and the battle in the end is rushed and not very exciting. Having not read the books, I have no idea whether they do a serviceable job of telling the story. In any case it doesn’t matter. Movies should stand on their own, and this one just doesn’t cut it, especially compared to The Lord of the Rings or even Harry Potter.
King Kong
Typically, I hate remakes. It’s mainly because Hollywood has stopped remaking movies that could use an update and have started remaking popular movies just for the name recognition, hoping to cash in on the popularity of the first version. I think Peter Jackson's King Kong rises above the typical Hollywood remake for a number of reasons. First, the two versions that preceded it were made before a convincing giant ape could be created. Second, the motivation presented in those movies is lacking. In the 1933 version, I’m pretty sure they were venturing just to find a giant ape, and in the 1975 version they were looking for oil and kinda happened upon a giant ape. In the 2005 version, Jack Black was risking everything to film on a remote island and save his career, and everything stems from his greed. Third, the acting really stands a cut above the old-timey style of 1933 and the campy style of 1975. Adrian Brody, Naomi Watts, and even Jack Black are in top form. The movie does run long, but for once I appreciate it- it gives us time to really understand the characters before we do all the rampaging animal stuff. Of course, some of those scenes are way too long. Then again, so is this review. Moving on…
The Producers
I haven’t seen the whole thing, but if there was ever a movie version of a Broadway show that seriously lacks whatever fun there must be seeing it on stage, it has to be this one. By the time this movie was made, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane seemed bored with playing their respective parts. There’s also a few dance numbers, such as one with a battalion of “old ladies” on walkers doing a coordinated dance, that probably look way more impressive live than they do on screen. And of course, the movie has Will Ferrell. Uggh, let’s not go there again.
Munich
This is based on a true story I can’t remember. I know the story involves the Israeli government creating a secret task force to track down and kill a dispersed group of assassins. Eric Bana and Daniel Craig are part of the task force and they are excellent in their roles. The killings they pull off are brutal, because they are mostly achieved through bombs. There is one scene where the bomb maker overestimates the amount of explosives to use resulting in the room Eric Bana is in to incinerate around him… really intense and kinda funny. Their mission is cut short and Eric Bana is ordered to divulge information about hisinformants, and when he refuses he is ostracized by his government. It’s a really moving and dark film and proves Steven Spielberg still has some gravitas left.
The New World
I tried my damndest to watch this film. Everyone gave it glowing reviews, and the reviewer who inspired this article even listed it amongst his 100 favorite movies of the decade. I found it so boring that I turned it off after 40 minutes. Long stretches of the movie had passed without dialogue. The editing was so choppy that it was hard to follow what was going on. The acting, if you can call it that, was so subdued the actors could be declared legally dead. Maybe if I stuck through something of consequence would have engaged my mind, but seriously, 40 minutes is a long time to go without some stimulation.
Just a word about 2004… My list included that horrible Crash movie as being released in 2004, but I know it won the Best Picture Oscar for 2005. I wonder how that works?
Anyway, my previous lists were all in alphabetical order. Apparently for 2005, Wikipedia changed to listing movies by the dates they were released. So from here on out, my lists will be based on the chronological release date. Not that you give a shit.
Here’s what in store for 2005:
Sin City
I’m sure there’s a ton of people who love this film. It was made to replicate one of the most popular graphic novels of all time. (‘Graphic novel’ is what fans call it so it seems more sophisticated than a comic book.) I have no idea whether the stories are accurate retellings of the ones in the book, although the book’s author did disown the movie and call it a piece of crap. It’s not really a piece of crap, but the visual style is overbearing and the stories aren’t really that interesting. Well, the one with Mickey Rourke isn’t bad, but I just felt there was no point in getting attached to the characters since they’d be gone in twenty minutes anyways. I’ll probably see the sequel if it ever comes out because the director (I think it’s Robert Rodriguez) does a lot of cool stuff.
Fever Pitch
It’s typical chick flick claptrap with a Red Sox twist. The setup seems unreasonable… how does an elementary school math teacher afford season tickets near the home dugout? Jimmy Fallon isn’t as annoying as he usually is, and some scenes are kinda cute, like how he takes care of a sickened Drew Barrymore on their first date. The ending of the movie suffers from trying to tie into the Sox recent World Series win… the Farrely Brothers probably would have been better served just leaving their ending the way it was (essentially the same except none of the World Series stuff is thrown in), because once they tie it into the real world the suspension of disbelief goes out the window.
Kingdom of Heaven
The trailers for this kinda boned this movie, selling it as an adventure/love story. I went in thinking that’s what it was. It’s actually semi-based on the real life fall of Jerusalem after the death of King Baldwin IV in the middle ages. Apparently it’s not very accurate, but not many historical movies are. Orlando Bloom is forced to carry the picture and doesn't embarrass himself. Edward Norton does a masterful job playing behind a silver mask as the leper king, and the Muslim actor playing Saladin is terrific (I should look up his name). Like Troy, there really isn’t a good side or a bad side in this war. The script is spectacular, but the pacing leaves something to be desired- it feels like the story is sacrificed a bit just to get to more battle scenes. If you’ve seen the theatrical version, there’s a director’s cut out there that really fleshes out the story. I really enjoy this movie.
Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
This movie was supposed to tie it all together. I was hoping by the end I would understand all the baffling decisions George Lucas had made and realized they were all worth it because at least one of his prequel movies was good. Alas, it wasn’t to be. The movie opens with like a 45 minute space battle where nothing of consequence to the rest of the story happens. There’s a droid overlord introduced who coughs and hacks his way through a lame accent and just comes across as totally goofy. The guy playing Palpatine either hams it way up or speaks dreadfully slowly, which isn’t so much creepy as it is annoying. The Jedi dying scene is pretty powerful, but the way it is presented you’d think a few more Jedis than just Yoda and Obi-Wan would have lived. Anyway, Natalie Portman has her weakest performance at the worst possible time and the dramatic stuff on the planet from hell falls way flat because of poor scripting. If there ever is a sequel trilogy I really hope George Lucas is smart enough to hire a real writer, and hopefully a real director, because he lost his chops a long time ago. Pun intended.
Madagascar
I think this is Dreamworks. I don’t really care. I hate this movie. The animation is lame, the jokes lamer, and I really have no idea what the story even is. I tuned way out when this was on. So I should just stop talking about it now.
Cinderella Man
Russell Crowe plays a boxer I’ve never heard of who apparently saved America by boxing his way from the shit house to be Heavy Weight Champion of the World during the great depression. I don’t really care about the boxing stuff because it’s nothing that hasn’t been done by Rocky or Raging Bull or Rocky 2 or Undisputed or Rocky 3 and so on. The depression era stuff is engrossing, because we see Russell and Renee Zellweger at the beginning have it all in a big house, and only five years later they are living in a shitty cellar apartment along with the rest of New York. I think it’s important to remember that times are bad now, but it could be way worse. Hopefully we’re smart enough to not fuck it up that bad again. We’ll see.
Mr. & Mrs. Smith
I love the super-secret spy genre, but for some reason this movie doesn’t work for me. Maybe it’s Angelina’s fault. I just haven’t found a movie where I actually liked her in any role. Or maybe it’s the fact that after True Lies I can’t watch a movie about a spy’s home life and take it seriously. The movie is OK I guess, with the best moments being after they figure each other out trying to reconcile all the lies they had been telling each other their whole marriage. And I like Brad Pitt. He’s always at least decent in any role.
Batman Begins
The latest Hollywood craze, reboots, started here. The eight years between the Schumacher assault-on-the-eyes Batman & Robin and this were well worth the wait. For those who loved the Burton Batman films, this one throws them completely out the window to give us for the first time the streamlined totally kickass Batman we’ve been clamoring for. But that’s only after the first real attempt on film to give Batman some motivation beyond, “My parents are dead.” Christian Bale is the breakout star and is surrounded by a great supporting cast… except for Katie Holmes. She just barely avoids ruining the movie. What really makes this movie stand out is how real it looks- how it makes Batman feel like a character that could conceivably exist in real life- right up until the clichéd runaway train bit at the end. I wish they could have come up with a better sequence than that. Oh well, it’s still a great movie.
War of the Worlds
This is a respectable retelling of the classic alien invasion story, this time not told from the perspective of the army, but by a family trying to stay alive while the world around them goes to shit. I like movies that have legitimate, “What the fuck are we going to do now?” moments, like when all the cars stop working because of the alien machines. Of course, this being a Spielberg movie, most of the nuance and terror of the earlier versions has been replaced with loads of CGI. And Tom Cruise is once again playing Tom Cruise, which I don’t really mind, but I guess you might.
Fantastic Four
Don’t let the title fool you, this isn’t that great of a movie. I heard reviewers say it’s almost like a superhero-lite, in that most of the heroes’ powers are used for gags instead of for actual heroic deeds. The movie also suffers from having to spend a lot of screen time introducing all four characters and their nemesis which leaves very little time to develop a plot. Apparently, the only reason Dr. Doom wants to destroy the Fantastic Four is because he’s jealous of their mostly tame powers. It’s a shame this movie had to be made at the same time as Batman Begins, because if it were made after, the producers would have realized that we want our superheroes to be gritty, not goofy. This doesn’t descend to the level of Adam West’s Batman, but it is too campy to be taken seriously.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
I grew up with fond memories of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I have since changed my mind about said movie, but I still admire Gene Wilder’s portrayal of Wonka as an insane but respected genius. Johnny Depp, however, never brings the ‘genius’ side to light. He instead seems to be focused on Willy Wonka as a creepy uncle who happens to own a candy factory and has issues with Christopher Lee, his father. Once again, Tim Burton fails to impress me… his movie isn’t as weird as I was expecting. The movie has to cram a lot of mini-stories into a reasonable runtime and just feels way too fast. And the musical numbers are kinda repetitive. I still sorta like it, but I’m not sure why.
The Constant Gardener
I don’t remember much about the plot. I know it involves Ralph Feines and Rachel Weizz playing journalists and falling in love. I think Rachel Weizz gets in over her head chasing some story and getting killed, and Ralph Feines has to make an international trip to put the pieces together. I’m pretty sure at the end he has to take on a multi-national corporation who killed her to cover-up some serious human injustices they were committing. It was good if a little boring.
Good Night, and Good Luck
Now here’s an ‘important’ Hollywood movie that really works. This is based around Edward R. Murrow’s daring attack on Senator Joseph McCarthy and his communist witch hunt. I don’t know if the guy playing Murrow is doing a good impression, but his look and voice are a perfect fit for the period depicted. McCarthy is played by stock footage, which is a predictable but brilliant choice- no actor could have appropriately recreated the hysterical nature of McCarthy’s attacks. The best moment in the movie comes when Murrow grants McCarthy the privilege of airing a response, and McCarthy goes on a baseless tirade claiming Murrow is a communist conspirator. Murrow then calmly tears into McCarthy’s attacks point by point and turns the once-powerful Senator into a gimmicky sideshow. George Clooney directed this, and I think he’s become a pretty decent filmmaker.
Doom
As a teenage boy raised in the 90’s, I clamored for a movie to be based around what was then the best game of all time. It took more than a decade for it to come out, and by then I knew what to expect. The film was farmed out to some lower-tier production team with a very slim budget, and the only recognizable star was a former wrestler. I haven’t seen this whole movie, but I’ve seen a few talkie scenes and a few actions scenes, which is enough to say this movie blows. The script is absent-minded and any story exists solely so we can watch people shoot cheap-CGI monsters. There’s a five-minute long scene near the end that mimics the first-person-shooter nature of the video game, but since it’s not you playing the game, there’s nothing exciting about it. If those graphics were to one day appear in Doom 4, it would be the best looking computer game ever. But here, it’s just another crappy scene.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Or, as I prefer to call it, Harry Potter and the Most Ridiculous Plot Contrivance Ever to Get Him Into That Graveyard. Seriously, this whole movie could have been avoided had that rat-face guy just bonked him on the head with something and dragged him to the graveyard. And they wouldn’t have risked Harry being killed by that dragon or by those lake nymphs. Also, aren’t they kind of relying on Harry, who was too young and weak and stupid to even be considered to do the tournament to begin with, to win the thing so he’ll touch the cup? And how the fuck did they get access to said cup to enchant it so it would bring him to the graveyard? And where’s Gary Oldman? Why was the entire third movie based around him if he was just gonna disappear for the entirety of this film? Uggh… I’m too tired to think of anything else to complain about, but I’m sure there’s more.
Walk the Line
I didn’t know a lot about Johnny Cash before I watched this movie. I have a feeling I still know very little about Johnny Cash after watching the movie. Why? Because it seems whenever Hollywood sticks its fingers into a biopic about a celebrity, the same two stories gets pulled out, either with a happy ending or with the celebrity dying. Johnny has a strained relationship with his father. He gets in with a drunken crowd and does drugs. He cheats on his wife. He rebels against conformity within the industry. He eventually reforms his drug-addled lifestyle. And in the end he marries a new love interest. So this one has a happy ending. It wasn’t a bad movie, but Joaquin Phoenix still seems like a strange choice to play Johnny Cash, if only because of what I know now about how weird the guy is.
Rent
I have only ever once screamed at a film imploring for a character to just die so the movie can end. It was this film. I really hated every character in this movie. To the guy who killed a dog for money and sang a happy song about it, to the hippie jackasses who complain about having no money to pay the rent but glorify their poorhouse lifestyle, to the asshole professor who rigs an ATM so they can steal money from it, to the jerks who at first bitch to their former best friend about jacking up rent prices but then when they are offered the chance to live for free, they stick it to him by paying the money anyway- they all can kiss my ass. I’ve heard people calling this a “rock opera”. No. First, crappy musicals don’t become rock operas because of a few wuss-rock tunes on the soundtrack. And two, operas don’t have speaking parts. Watch Tommy if you want to see a rock opera. Watch Rent if you can’t find a fork to jam in your eye and want to know what that pain feels like.
Syriana
Another George Clooney piece and ‘important’ movie, this time dealing with modern day wars for oil… I think. Honestly, it took me a while to really get into the plot. There are a few diverging paths the movie takes all kinda-sorta surrounding the doctor from Deep Space Nine playing the king of some Arab country and his oil fields. I should probably see this again, because I remember being intrigued by the plots, but it was tough to follow on just one viewing.
Brokeback Mountain
So I didn’t like Crash, and when that movie beat out Brokeback Mountain for the 2005 best film Oscar, I thought, “Jesus, Brokeback Mountain must really suck.” It took me a while to get around to seeing this movie, and I walked away sorta impressed. It is a beautiful movie visually, and I admire the film’s willingness to tackle a romantic relationship between two men. I had major issues with editing- some scenes seem to exist only to remind us what a complete ass Heath Ledger is, and the film’s only sex scene is sudden and completely out of context. The score was heavily lauded but I found it boring, consisting mainly of a short guitar piece repeated endlessly. Anyway, I don’t think I’ll ever intentionally watch this film again, and I wouldn’t exactly recommend it, but it’s not awful. It’s certainly better than Crash, which leads me to believe Hollywood simply fell for the anti-racism message of Crash and overlooked the fact that it sucked, or Hollywood wasn’t ready to fully praise a gay-romance movie.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe
For a movie with a giant talking lion plastered all over the posters, trailer, and cover artwork, there’s only about 10 minutes of talking lion in this movie. The rest is spent with four young children and their quest to meet said lion after walking through an unexplained magic closet in some old guy’s house. For some reason these children are the key to saving this magic land from some evil ice queen. Also for some reason the talking lion has to be killed so the jerky kid can be saved. The movie is really too short to go over all that. There’s no time to really introduce the characters or to understand the magical world, and the battle in the end is rushed and not very exciting. Having not read the books, I have no idea whether they do a serviceable job of telling the story. In any case it doesn’t matter. Movies should stand on their own, and this one just doesn’t cut it, especially compared to The Lord of the Rings or even Harry Potter.
King Kong
Typically, I hate remakes. It’s mainly because Hollywood has stopped remaking movies that could use an update and have started remaking popular movies just for the name recognition, hoping to cash in on the popularity of the first version. I think Peter Jackson's King Kong rises above the typical Hollywood remake for a number of reasons. First, the two versions that preceded it were made before a convincing giant ape could be created. Second, the motivation presented in those movies is lacking. In the 1933 version, I’m pretty sure they were venturing just to find a giant ape, and in the 1975 version they were looking for oil and kinda happened upon a giant ape. In the 2005 version, Jack Black was risking everything to film on a remote island and save his career, and everything stems from his greed. Third, the acting really stands a cut above the old-timey style of 1933 and the campy style of 1975. Adrian Brody, Naomi Watts, and even Jack Black are in top form. The movie does run long, but for once I appreciate it- it gives us time to really understand the characters before we do all the rampaging animal stuff. Of course, some of those scenes are way too long. Then again, so is this review. Moving on…
The Producers
I haven’t seen the whole thing, but if there was ever a movie version of a Broadway show that seriously lacks whatever fun there must be seeing it on stage, it has to be this one. By the time this movie was made, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane seemed bored with playing their respective parts. There’s also a few dance numbers, such as one with a battalion of “old ladies” on walkers doing a coordinated dance, that probably look way more impressive live than they do on screen. And of course, the movie has Will Ferrell. Uggh, let’s not go there again.
Munich
This is based on a true story I can’t remember. I know the story involves the Israeli government creating a secret task force to track down and kill a dispersed group of assassins. Eric Bana and Daniel Craig are part of the task force and they are excellent in their roles. The killings they pull off are brutal, because they are mostly achieved through bombs. There is one scene where the bomb maker overestimates the amount of explosives to use resulting in the room Eric Bana is in to incinerate around him… really intense and kinda funny. Their mission is cut short and Eric Bana is ordered to divulge information about hisinformants, and when he refuses he is ostracized by his government. It’s a really moving and dark film and proves Steven Spielberg still has some gravitas left.
The New World
I tried my damndest to watch this film. Everyone gave it glowing reviews, and the reviewer who inspired this article even listed it amongst his 100 favorite movies of the decade. I found it so boring that I turned it off after 40 minutes. Long stretches of the movie had passed without dialogue. The editing was so choppy that it was hard to follow what was going on. The acting, if you can call it that, was so subdued the actors could be declared legally dead. Maybe if I stuck through something of consequence would have engaged my mind, but seriously, 40 minutes is a long time to go without some stimulation.