The not too-distant past
Melanie was honest. This was the quality I admired the most in her. Melanie would never lie to me, not even the slightest white lie. She was above it. Sometimes the truth was hard to take, but I appreciated it. The bold and consistent honesty meant the world to me. I had never been involved with a woman so completely truthful before and do not know if I will again.
Melanie was loyal. There was never the slightest sliver of a doubt of Melanie becoming involved with another man. It simply wasn’t within the scope of reality. My company was always her highest priority above others. She would always make time for me without hesitation. She was always up for cuddling up to watch a television show or being held through the night. I have never been involved with a woman so objectively devoted and do not know if I will again.
Melanie was beautiful. She was pretty with a charming smile and dark hair that fell gracefully around her shoulders when she let it down. She had a “Bill Ward” character style body, a naturally taught hourglass figure with wide hips, a large bust and legs that seemed to never end. I had never been involved with a woman so physically appealing before and do not know if I will again.
Melanie was verbally and emotionally abusive. It went on for years. It was impossible for me to predict when she would lose her temper with me and begin raining an uninterrupted stream of terrible, destructive statements. On occasion this would start as part of a legitimate grievance, but far more often she would simply lose herself over something utterly simple and petty. There was nothing to be done when she did this… I was certainly not going to return it in kind, shutting down did not help, arguing did not help and comforting her did not solve the problem. She would simply continue on until she exhausted herself and blame the entire episode on me. Generally speaking, afterward, she would not remember any of the statements she made for us to discuss them later, but she had situational memory and when she lost her temper again, and she inevitably did, suddenly everything was perfectly clear again.
I was not allowed to leave when this was happening, as I would be immediately accused of “abandoning” her, just as her ex-husband did. I was usually her place and we would be drinking - which she indulged in every single night and aggressively encouraged me to do as well, at one point under threat of breaking up with me. I therefore could not leave if I wanted to, although one time I did not let that stop me and drove home far more affected by intoxicants than reason would allow. I was expected to simply remain in her company and weather the storm until she had spent her verbal and emotional attack upon me in its entirety.
There was far more than that, but going into full detail would make this unreadable.
Eventually circumstances changed so that I did finally stop drinking entirely, and when I did I finally found myself in a situation where I could more aggressively stand up for myself and physically drive away when she lost control, despite her protests. Leaving her was incredibly difficult for all of the reasons listed above. She was honorable and loyal and I did not want to be the one to abandon her. But I had to. She was never going to change and my sense of self-importance was in tatters. It did not leave me jaded, perhaps because of those noble qualities she did hold in such quantity. It did, however, leave me deeply wounded. I feel a little better week to week, but sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away. And maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe the hardened scars serve as an essential reminder to protect my own sense of self and ego, goals which even recently I have faltered at.
I still miss her… and I even still love her to a point, despite it all. I can’t help it. The disparity between her many admirable qualities of the horrific reality of being involved with her is even now difficult to process. I just knew I had to get away, and I did.
I am trying to learn to embrace the quiet, to become accustomed to taking my own energy and directing it back upon myself for my own happiness and welfare. I do think it is getting better as time goes on. Perhaps I will know more after a year has passed. Perhaps not. I only know that - short of causing harm to another - I have to be my first priority now, for as long as it takes and despite how others may judge me.