Here's whats up
This is one of those angsty personal explorations that I debate about posting... I am warning you now... that it contains brutal honesty...
- I have this conflict about significant others ... I don't want to want affection from them, I don't want to desire them, I don't want to search for them or feel like I need them.... and most of all I don't want my mind to be consumed by them... I hate it... I would rather pretend that they don't exist and try to ignore all of them than deal with them incessantly. The problem is that I do feel those other things... and it becomes very hard to ignore them.
I don't actually just want sex from them... it is not about being horny... it is about wanting to feel understood... about wanting to have someone there for me... that thinks I'm cool and interesting and attractive... someone that wants me around... you don't get that just from sex...
And you know what... the ones that I actually get interested in are... the ones that only sometimes pay attention to me.... the ones it is difficult to get affection from... because they are a challenge... they make me work for it... make me doubt myself... wonder why they lost interest in what I was saying...
I am searching for that feeling of complete release in someones arms... but I am searching for it with people that I have to work to "let go" around... I could never to obtain that with them...
- But every time I get sad about this... I realize that there is no reason to search for this object... I have that sensation whenever I can relax and just be... I don't really need someone else... especially not if they make me feel like I have to work to be cool
I think there is a difference between just running through life trying not to absorb things enough to where they can affect you... and learning to really be present and absorb every moment.. but deal with the effects. They both feel good... but the first leaves one at loose ends... it leaves something wanting...
I have explored to former... and it is my tendency... but I think I might want the latter now...
- I have this conflict about significant others ... I don't want to want affection from them, I don't want to desire them, I don't want to search for them or feel like I need them.... and most of all I don't want my mind to be consumed by them... I hate it... I would rather pretend that they don't exist and try to ignore all of them than deal with them incessantly. The problem is that I do feel those other things... and it becomes very hard to ignore them.
I don't actually just want sex from them... it is not about being horny... it is about wanting to feel understood... about wanting to have someone there for me... that thinks I'm cool and interesting and attractive... someone that wants me around... you don't get that just from sex...
And you know what... the ones that I actually get interested in are... the ones that only sometimes pay attention to me.... the ones it is difficult to get affection from... because they are a challenge... they make me work for it... make me doubt myself... wonder why they lost interest in what I was saying...
I am searching for that feeling of complete release in someones arms... but I am searching for it with people that I have to work to "let go" around... I could never to obtain that with them...
- But every time I get sad about this... I realize that there is no reason to search for this object... I have that sensation whenever I can relax and just be... I don't really need someone else... especially not if they make me feel like I have to work to be cool
I think there is a difference between just running through life trying not to absorb things enough to where they can affect you... and learning to really be present and absorb every moment.. but deal with the effects. They both feel good... but the first leaves one at loose ends... it leaves something wanting...
I have explored to former... and it is my tendency... but I think I might want the latter now...