ramble ramble
Long time no talk on LJ, but I had nowhere else to go with this. I needed to get it out somewhere, somehow.
I think I may be bipolar. I know, I know, self diagnosis is to be taken with a massive grain of salt. But the signs are there. I’ve got the depression right now, I’ve got the lovely little tag alongs like ADD and OCD that play havoc with my head and my ability to cope with a lot. I had the manic phase that lasted about nine months, wherein I did some truly stupid stuff.
The worst part about it? I don’t know what to do at this point. I mean, sure go to a doctor, everyone knows that but I can’t seem to make myself care enough to go. I feel all day like it’s the worst thing ever and I just wanna sleep all the time, but there’s no reason for it, my life is amazing. I just can’t seem to make myself feel amazing.
And I miss that manic phase. Although I did some seriously stupid shit (like being promiscuous, walking out on a job with no job to back it up, spending money like crazy) I felt alive and full of energy. I felt invincible. I miss that. A lot.
Now all I want to do is sit at home and read if I have the energy, or sleep if I don’t. I try to do stuff that interests me, but I just can’t make myself and it’s so frustrating. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle and no one can even tell that I AM fighting it, if that makes any sense.
Gods I feel like I’m rambling but I don’t know how else to put any of this, stringing a coherent thought together regarding this is almost impossible because my brain keeps trying to shy away from the fact that it might actually be real. I’m probably not making any sense whatsoever.
But all I know is that I’m tired of it. All of it. But feel powerless to do anything about it.
Bleh. I don’t know why I wrote this, seems long and boring and has no point when I read it over again. But at least I got it out there, somewhere.
I think I may be bipolar. I know, I know, self diagnosis is to be taken with a massive grain of salt. But the signs are there. I’ve got the depression right now, I’ve got the lovely little tag alongs like ADD and OCD that play havoc with my head and my ability to cope with a lot. I had the manic phase that lasted about nine months, wherein I did some truly stupid stuff.
The worst part about it? I don’t know what to do at this point. I mean, sure go to a doctor, everyone knows that but I can’t seem to make myself care enough to go. I feel all day like it’s the worst thing ever and I just wanna sleep all the time, but there’s no reason for it, my life is amazing. I just can’t seem to make myself feel amazing.
And I miss that manic phase. Although I did some seriously stupid shit (like being promiscuous, walking out on a job with no job to back it up, spending money like crazy) I felt alive and full of energy. I felt invincible. I miss that. A lot.
Now all I want to do is sit at home and read if I have the energy, or sleep if I don’t. I try to do stuff that interests me, but I just can’t make myself and it’s so frustrating. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle and no one can even tell that I AM fighting it, if that makes any sense.
Gods I feel like I’m rambling but I don’t know how else to put any of this, stringing a coherent thought together regarding this is almost impossible because my brain keeps trying to shy away from the fact that it might actually be real. I’m probably not making any sense whatsoever.
But all I know is that I’m tired of it. All of it. But feel powerless to do anything about it.
Bleh. I don’t know why I wrote this, seems long and boring and has no point when I read it over again. But at least I got it out there, somewhere.