Helping vs Being Helpful

[m_danson]

spiritonparole requested that I reprint this post for discussion here. I've included some of the discussion she and I had at the end of the post.

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Something gelled in my head recently. The words are still slippery but the concept is solid.

I don't like being helped.

I like being offered aid, knowledge, opinions, solutions, tools, and support. I

Comments

[night_princess]

Yes, I have been known to go over, usurp the situation, and "fix" things when people were just incompetent or plain wrong (as I think most Js have done at some point or another), and I do get satisfaction from setting things right or making things better (even if it's "right" or "better" only in my opinion). I can see how this can be considered something other than "helping", however.

So, I agree with you -- what you're describing doesn't seem to be related to either the "helping" or "being helpful" in the way Ms. Danson defined things for the purposes of this thread. I'd put it in a totally separate category (let's call it "fixing"). Arguably, using Ms. Danson's definitions, you're not really "helping" the person or "being helpful" to them; you're usurping the situation and "fixing" things, making things conform to your own ideals of "right" or "better". I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I think that people who expect appreciation from the "fixee" for doing such a thing are likely to be disappointed.

The "being helpful" that Ms. Danson describes reminds me of a Simpsons episode: Marge is cooking, and Bart really wants to "be helpful". So, he pesters Marge repeatedly about what can he do to help even though Marge doesn't need help. Marge eventually relents and tells him to open a can of cranberry sauce, which Bart does and runs off, satisified that he "was helpful". Of course, while running off, Bart doesn't hear Marge tell him to be sure to put it in the fridge, so the cranberry sauce falls down and is presumably ruined. This scenario demonstrates Bart getting warm fuzzies by "being helpful" by actually making a mess and not "helping" at all, and people are left feeling that it's funny (or "weird" or "not right") that Bart should be so pleased with himself that he "was helpful" when he didn't "help" at all.

I think Ms. Danson's definition of "being helpful" is one of the results of obeying long lists of protocols.

[night_princess]

Upon further contemplation, the difference between "helping"/"being helpful" and "fixing" would be ownership/responsibility. The word "help" implies a lack of responsibility. If I'm helping someone or "being helpful", that "helpee" is ultimately still going to be responsible for what I'm doing. If I'm taking over and fixing things, then the responsibility becomes mine.

In the Simpsons example above, Bart didn't take responsibility for the dish. Marge is still responsible for getting that cranberry sauce done, and because Bart screwed up, a part of the meal that Marge is responsible for is ruined, and Marge will be the one who gets the complaints about the lack of cranberry sauce if it doesn't get fixed.

Likewise, I'd be very upset if someone "helpfully" shoved me into a cab if I got drunk. (Not that I drink.) The helper did things in my name, suddenly saddling me with the responsibility for telling the cab driver where to go (would I even know such a thing if I were drunk?), paying the cab on the other end, and figuring out how to get back to my car again once I'm sober. The helper took no responsibility, leaving me to deal with the results of their actions.

I think one of the keys is the way people use the phrase, "but I was only trying to help". People seem to think it makes them "good" while absolving them of responsibility and consequences. Implied in the word "help" is a lack of responsibility -- if you help someone, they're still the responsible party. So, helping someone without their consent -- "being helpful" -- basically saddles them with the responsibility for your actions.

[m_danson]

I hadn't thought of the responsibility angle. Thanks for pointing it out.