I'm an INTJ, and so is my mate. Your description of a hypothetical relationship between two NTs couldn't be further from the way our partnership works.
To start, we had a "chemistry" that caught others' attention before we were even aware of what was going on. People started taking bets on when we would figure out that we were a couple about six months prior to the day that we broached the subject.
There is definitely romance, though many times it breaks the mold of orthodoxy. For Valentine's Day this year, instead of flowers, he brought me a slab of top sirloin- aside from various private shared meanings around the giving of food, particularly meat, I appreciated it because I'm a broke college student and beef is expensive. :)
There's plenty of emotional sharing and disclosure, and I think much of that has to do with the level of trust. It's also much easier to share your emotions with someone who can identify with the way you feel in a given situation, and who doesn't assume that you have no emotions because you aren't an emotive sprinkler system.
The primary differentiating factor that I've identified between dual-NT partnerships and others is that NT couples are big on equality and intentionality in their relationships, and often make those values explicit in ways that can seem cold-hearted and mercenary to other types. In discussing whether we ought to enter a romantic partnership, handleman and I literally did a cost-benefit analysis and decided that it was worth a try. Particularly for INTs, relationships constitute a major investment of personal energy and resources, and are not to be entered into lightly.
I do agree with you in the part about equality and intentionality. I am big on that. I mention it often- and even disinterested third parties (platonic friends, co-workers) are intimidated by it.
Definitely not to be entered lightly. I am an ENT, and I agree it is the most important investment of your life.
I am not a mushy person. I adore flowers- but someone I had not met before bringing me flowers on a first date would be a bit cringeworthy. Now someone I had been friends IRL for a while, or someone on a second date, that would be fine. And to this day, red roses do make me cringe due to a bad experience. I do prefer gifts more akin to my tastes rather than cliched notions.
I really really appreciate your post and your sharing so much. I hope things do work out this time. I am not experienced in this realm. The previous person I dated was ESFP or ENFP 7w8 sx/so/sp and it did not work out. Sure, the kids issue was the major dealbreaker, but our E's butted heads, he was much more physical and touchy feely (with everyone) than I could ever be, and he wanted a very different kind of woman than what I am.
I do agree with you in the part about equality and intentionality. I am big on that. I think everyone with self-respect is big on that?
Definitely not to be entered lightly. I am an ENT, and I agree it is the most important investment of your life. I am an ENFP, and I agree it's the most important investment of your life. I am starting to wonder where the differences are. Maybe it's that sometimes I do rush in, but that's only when my heart isn't completely involved. When I find that I start to feel too much, I tend to shy away. And start thinking a lot! Sometimes I walk away. With my boyfriend (an INTJ), I stayed. And there is a whole lot of chemistry between us. He does feel, and feels deeply. He doesn't show it to others easily, though. But when there is trust, he does show it. We are really touchy-feely when we are together. Even in company ;-)
Cut trough all the BS in my reaction, and read what I try to say. It's not type. It's finding the courage in yourself to open up. It's self-esteem. And it's being honest, to yourself and your lover. It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ;-) Listen to yourself, and if you think this might be the one, take a deep breath and jump in the water. Take a risk.
To start, we had a "chemistry" that caught others' attention before we were even aware of what was going on. People started taking bets on when we would figure out that we were a couple about six months prior to the day that we broached the subject.
There is definitely romance, though many times it breaks the mold of orthodoxy. For Valentine's Day this year, instead of flowers, he brought me a slab of top sirloin- aside from various private shared meanings around the giving of food, particularly meat, I appreciated it because I'm a broke college student and beef is expensive. :)
There's plenty of emotional sharing and disclosure, and I think much of that has to do with the level of trust. It's also much easier to share your emotions with someone who can identify with the way you feel in a given situation, and who doesn't assume that you have no emotions because you aren't an emotive sprinkler system.
The primary differentiating factor that I've identified between dual-NT partnerships and others is that NT couples are big on equality and intentionality in their relationships, and often make those values explicit in ways that can seem cold-hearted and mercenary to other types. In discussing whether we ought to enter a romantic partnership, handleman and I literally did a cost-benefit analysis and decided that it was worth a try. Particularly for INTs, relationships constitute a major investment of personal energy and resources, and are not to be entered into lightly.
Reply
Definitely not to be entered lightly. I am an ENT, and I agree it is the most important investment of your life.
I am not a mushy person. I adore flowers- but someone I had not met before bringing me flowers on a first date would be a bit cringeworthy. Now someone I had been friends IRL for a while, or someone on a second date, that would be fine. And to this day, red roses do make me cringe due to a bad experience. I do prefer gifts more akin to my tastes rather than cliched notions.
I really really appreciate your post and your sharing so much. I hope things do work out this time. I am not experienced in this realm. The previous person I dated was ESFP or ENFP 7w8 sx/so/sp and it did not work out. Sure, the kids issue was the major dealbreaker, but our E's butted heads, he was much more physical and touchy feely (with everyone) than I could ever be, and he wanted a very different kind of woman than what I am.
Reply
I think everyone with self-respect is big on that?
Definitely not to be entered lightly. I am an ENT, and I agree it is the most important investment of your life.
I am an ENFP, and I agree it's the most important investment of your life. I am starting to wonder where the differences are. Maybe it's that sometimes I do rush in, but that's only when my heart isn't completely involved. When I find that I start to feel too much, I tend to shy away. And start thinking a lot! Sometimes I walk away. With my boyfriend (an INTJ), I stayed. And there is a whole lot of chemistry between us. He does feel, and feels deeply. He doesn't show it to others easily, though. But when there is trust, he does show it. We are really touchy-feely when we are together. Even in company ;-)
Cut trough all the BS in my reaction, and read what I try to say. It's not type. It's finding the courage in yourself to open up. It's self-esteem. And it's being honest, to yourself and your lover. It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all ;-) Listen to yourself, and if you think this might be the one, take a deep breath and jump in the water. Take a risk.
Reply
Leave a comment