Nothing Left But Goodbye (coda to 5x17, Dean POV, PG)
Title: Nothing Left But Goodbye
Author: Vera
Pairing: none
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Me no own.
Word Count: 977
Summary: Coda to 5x17, Dean POV.
Dean couldn’t do it anymore. He just couldn’t. After everything he’s been through, it was just the last straw. There was no hope left. Not anywhere. The apocalypse was getting people killed. Good people, bad people, everyone. Everyone was getting fucked with. And now it was a whole town!
For a brief moment there, he could imagine himself living in Blue Earth. A town full of hunters. No hiding, no pretending. Everyone just worked together. They all had a purpose, sick as it was. One big family. Maybe if the apocalypse also entailed this, maybe it would all work out. Maybe it’d be worth it.
But then, like always, shit hit the fan. First they lost that kid, Dylan. And it was Dean’s fault. He should have been more careful. Never let your guard down. Never! But no, he liked the kid, and it just felt good. Hunting together, all of them. Then sharing a beer. Good times. There haven’t been any good times like these since… since before he died. Before Sammy died. Before all of it.
And it was Dean’s fault. Dean’s fault Dylan’s parents lost their son. Dean’s fault the whole town had to suffer. The whole world had to suffer. Because he’d started the apocalypse. Because he was weak, because he broke. And now everyone suffered. There was no escape. There was no happy hunting family. It was all a ploy. Hell, heaven… did it really matter anymore which side was manipulating?
And God didn’t care. There was just no out anymore. The world either went downhill slowly, painfully, people kept dying, worse, they kept dying and ended up in hell, or Dean had to say yes and end it.
So far Dean was still doing a bang up job for the other side. Alastair would be proud. So many souls brought down by him, because he’d brought on the apocalypse. Because he was too stubborn, too selfish to end it.
And this was just the tipping point. They didn’t just die, they were going straight to hell, thinking they’d done God’s work, thinking they’d buy their ticket to heaven. Granted, it was their own fault for being so damn stupid, for being blind believers, but still. Hell. Hell for innocent victims, who didn’t belong there.
The guilt was weighing him down. Just because he was numb didn’t mean he lost his conscience, didn’t mean he didn’t care. But oh, how he wished that would be true. He’d love to be strong, be strong for Sammy, but he just couldn’t do it anymore. And besides, he did this for Sammy, most of all.
Sam wouldn’t understand it right now, but Dean hoped that eventually, he would see it. Sam was weak. He’d already cracked again, given in to his addiction. And it would only be a matter of time before it happened again, before they got to him again. It wasn’t Sammy’s fault. Dean couldn’t blame him. But it was there.
But God had forgiven him. He’d forgiven both of them. Dean, he really didn’t care either way. He deserved to go back to hell. He didn’t like heaven, anyways. Fake, stale moments. A past he could never get back. A lie he’d told himself. Perfect, happy family. Family that didn’t want him.
But Sammy? Sammy would be happy. He’d get his dog and get his fake family, and hell, he’d probably also be back at Stanford with Jess. Sam would go to heaven and that was all that mattered. It was everything. And Dean had to act now, before that window closed. Before Sam did something stupid, something reckless, before he broke again and God decided otherwise. Wouldn’t forgive him anymore, would condemn Sammy to hell. Anything. Anything but that!
So this was it. There was no miracle rescue by God. There was no fighting it. There was just lies and deception and death. Dean had started it all, now it was time to end it. He owed them as much. He’d give his life, give his soul, so that everyone else would be saved. So that Sammy would be saved, and Bobby.
Everyone he loved had to suffer. But no more! They didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve the pain, the numbness. And Dean couldn’t bear to see it, see them all become him. First Bobby, now Castiel. Sammy was still hopeful, but it would change. Dean knew it would. And he couldn’t stick around to see it happen.
There were only two people left in this world Dean cared about. And he’d make sure they were taken care of as well.
There was a time when Dean was wishing for Ben to be his son, one good thing he’d left behind. But with all that happened now? He was so damn glad Ben wasn’t. No vessel for them to fuck with. Ben would be safe. Lisa would be safe. Bobby would be safe. Maybe he could even get him his legs back. Sammy would go to heaven. Cas… Cas would be forgiven, if he chose to go back. Although Dean wouldn’t blame him if he refused.
Dean himself? He didn’t want anything. No sure place in heaven, no seventy-two virgins, no special treatment. Whatever happened to him, happened. And if he had to go back to hell, so be it. Dean didn’t know if he’d really stand it up there in heaven, anyways. Stiff pricks. But stiff pricks who needed him, who’d agree to his conditions.
If it was up to him though, what he’d chose would be neither. He just wanted it all to be over with. Nothing. Just nothing. Die and be dead. Stay dead. Fade away. No more thoughts, no regrets, no more pain, no more anything. He doubted they’d be this merciful on him though.
So all that was left now was for him to say goodbye.
Author: Vera
Pairing: none
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Me no own.
Word Count: 977
Summary: Coda to 5x17, Dean POV.
Dean couldn’t do it anymore. He just couldn’t. After everything he’s been through, it was just the last straw. There was no hope left. Not anywhere. The apocalypse was getting people killed. Good people, bad people, everyone. Everyone was getting fucked with. And now it was a whole town!
For a brief moment there, he could imagine himself living in Blue Earth. A town full of hunters. No hiding, no pretending. Everyone just worked together. They all had a purpose, sick as it was. One big family. Maybe if the apocalypse also entailed this, maybe it would all work out. Maybe it’d be worth it.
But then, like always, shit hit the fan. First they lost that kid, Dylan. And it was Dean’s fault. He should have been more careful. Never let your guard down. Never! But no, he liked the kid, and it just felt good. Hunting together, all of them. Then sharing a beer. Good times. There haven’t been any good times like these since… since before he died. Before Sammy died. Before all of it.
And it was Dean’s fault. Dean’s fault Dylan’s parents lost their son. Dean’s fault the whole town had to suffer. The whole world had to suffer. Because he’d started the apocalypse. Because he was weak, because he broke. And now everyone suffered. There was no escape. There was no happy hunting family. It was all a ploy. Hell, heaven… did it really matter anymore which side was manipulating?
And God didn’t care. There was just no out anymore. The world either went downhill slowly, painfully, people kept dying, worse, they kept dying and ended up in hell, or Dean had to say yes and end it.
So far Dean was still doing a bang up job for the other side. Alastair would be proud. So many souls brought down by him, because he’d brought on the apocalypse. Because he was too stubborn, too selfish to end it.
And this was just the tipping point. They didn’t just die, they were going straight to hell, thinking they’d done God’s work, thinking they’d buy their ticket to heaven. Granted, it was their own fault for being so damn stupid, for being blind believers, but still. Hell. Hell for innocent victims, who didn’t belong there.
The guilt was weighing him down. Just because he was numb didn’t mean he lost his conscience, didn’t mean he didn’t care. But oh, how he wished that would be true. He’d love to be strong, be strong for Sammy, but he just couldn’t do it anymore. And besides, he did this for Sammy, most of all.
Sam wouldn’t understand it right now, but Dean hoped that eventually, he would see it. Sam was weak. He’d already cracked again, given in to his addiction. And it would only be a matter of time before it happened again, before they got to him again. It wasn’t Sammy’s fault. Dean couldn’t blame him. But it was there.
But God had forgiven him. He’d forgiven both of them. Dean, he really didn’t care either way. He deserved to go back to hell. He didn’t like heaven, anyways. Fake, stale moments. A past he could never get back. A lie he’d told himself. Perfect, happy family. Family that didn’t want him.
But Sammy? Sammy would be happy. He’d get his dog and get his fake family, and hell, he’d probably also be back at Stanford with Jess. Sam would go to heaven and that was all that mattered. It was everything. And Dean had to act now, before that window closed. Before Sam did something stupid, something reckless, before he broke again and God decided otherwise. Wouldn’t forgive him anymore, would condemn Sammy to hell. Anything. Anything but that!
So this was it. There was no miracle rescue by God. There was no fighting it. There was just lies and deception and death. Dean had started it all, now it was time to end it. He owed them as much. He’d give his life, give his soul, so that everyone else would be saved. So that Sammy would be saved, and Bobby.
Everyone he loved had to suffer. But no more! They didn’t deserve it, didn’t deserve the pain, the numbness. And Dean couldn’t bear to see it, see them all become him. First Bobby, now Castiel. Sammy was still hopeful, but it would change. Dean knew it would. And he couldn’t stick around to see it happen.
There were only two people left in this world Dean cared about. And he’d make sure they were taken care of as well.
There was a time when Dean was wishing for Ben to be his son, one good thing he’d left behind. But with all that happened now? He was so damn glad Ben wasn’t. No vessel for them to fuck with. Ben would be safe. Lisa would be safe. Bobby would be safe. Maybe he could even get him his legs back. Sammy would go to heaven. Cas… Cas would be forgiven, if he chose to go back. Although Dean wouldn’t blame him if he refused.
Dean himself? He didn’t want anything. No sure place in heaven, no seventy-two virgins, no special treatment. Whatever happened to him, happened. And if he had to go back to hell, so be it. Dean didn’t know if he’d really stand it up there in heaven, anyways. Stiff pricks. But stiff pricks who needed him, who’d agree to his conditions.
If it was up to him though, what he’d chose would be neither. He just wanted it all to be over with. Nothing. Just nothing. Die and be dead. Stay dead. Fade away. No more thoughts, no regrets, no more pain, no more anything. He doubted they’d be this merciful on him though.
So all that was left now was for him to say goodbye.