In the end, I'll be the one to blame.
I haven't been writing or doing anything productive, really. I should probably get back into the habit since I have a looming fear that, now that college is over, I will slowly lose my ability to write. Becca and I have joked about how her inability to form words, but I really do fear that if I don't write for school that I will lose the only skill I've ever admitted I have. I kind of want to go back and read some of my old papers to remind myself of my style and critical/analytical skills.
A couple of days ago, my dad suggested going back to school. While I do miss being productive, having an excuse to not work, and performing mindful tasks...I do not miss college (yet). I miss the feeling that my life is still ahead of me, but I don't miss the people, the deadlines, the bureaucracy, waking up early, etc. My dad seems to think that I don't want to get a job. Admittedly, I am putting it off for a little while because I honestly don't know what I want to do. I think that I think I need to start my career straight out of college, but that is simply not the case. I could work in retail while I gain steadier footing and get a better idea of what I want to do. That's normal, right?
My biggest fear is getting too comfortable in my little bubble of uselessness. I fear not wanting to leave my parents' house. I fear staying in a dead-end job because I'll get used to it and it's easier than putting the effort in to find a "real" one. I fear never pursuing this boy because I've never done it before, so why should I put myself through the potential disappointment?
It's been a couple of months and I have been doing things here and there, but I am just starting to feel useless. Like, I wake up around noon every day and alternate between the Internet and Food Network. Food Network can switch to Top Chef of Real Housewives when either of them are on. Sometimes there's a show, sometimes I go out with my friends. Otherwise, I just let myself sit here and fester away online (as I am doing at this very moment). I vacuumed the other day in order to make myself not feel entirely worthless. I know I have shit I need to get done, but I'm too goddamn lazy to just man up and do it.
My priorities are just really out-of-whack right now, and I'm not entirely sure where to start making changes. I look at job postings every day, but nothing seems to tickle my fancy (or requires more experience that I have). The idea of commuting to the city for a job is so daunting to me, even though I did it almost every day in the summer of 2007. It's really not that bad, but lately, I've really come to value my free time (even though I don't actually do anything with it). The idea of waking up at 6:30 and getting home at 6:30 is really unappealing. Four hours doesn't sound like a lot of personal time to me. But that's the way the world works, and one day, I'm going to have to accept that I'll need to sacrifice my social life and mental stability for responsibility, money, and independence.
Other than my looming feelings of worthlessness, things have been well. Chicago was awesome even though we barely did anything. We did try deep dish pizza (New York is still better) and ate breakfast at the infamous Lou Mitchell's. Also consumed lots of Jimmy John's sandwiches. Saw Bonz & co. at Mercury Lounge and was told that Becca and I looked "profesh." Few New England Brand New shows coming up that I am not looking as forward to as I should.
I type this lyric pretty frequently to remind myself. I haven't actually followed through with it yet, but it doesn't hurt to have the reminder: "I need to wake up 'cause this ain't a fucking game."
A couple of days ago, my dad suggested going back to school. While I do miss being productive, having an excuse to not work, and performing mindful tasks...I do not miss college (yet). I miss the feeling that my life is still ahead of me, but I don't miss the people, the deadlines, the bureaucracy, waking up early, etc. My dad seems to think that I don't want to get a job. Admittedly, I am putting it off for a little while because I honestly don't know what I want to do. I think that I think I need to start my career straight out of college, but that is simply not the case. I could work in retail while I gain steadier footing and get a better idea of what I want to do. That's normal, right?
My biggest fear is getting too comfortable in my little bubble of uselessness. I fear not wanting to leave my parents' house. I fear staying in a dead-end job because I'll get used to it and it's easier than putting the effort in to find a "real" one. I fear never pursuing this boy because I've never done it before, so why should I put myself through the potential disappointment?
It's been a couple of months and I have been doing things here and there, but I am just starting to feel useless. Like, I wake up around noon every day and alternate between the Internet and Food Network. Food Network can switch to Top Chef of Real Housewives when either of them are on. Sometimes there's a show, sometimes I go out with my friends. Otherwise, I just let myself sit here and fester away online (as I am doing at this very moment). I vacuumed the other day in order to make myself not feel entirely worthless. I know I have shit I need to get done, but I'm too goddamn lazy to just man up and do it.
My priorities are just really out-of-whack right now, and I'm not entirely sure where to start making changes. I look at job postings every day, but nothing seems to tickle my fancy (or requires more experience that I have). The idea of commuting to the city for a job is so daunting to me, even though I did it almost every day in the summer of 2007. It's really not that bad, but lately, I've really come to value my free time (even though I don't actually do anything with it). The idea of waking up at 6:30 and getting home at 6:30 is really unappealing. Four hours doesn't sound like a lot of personal time to me. But that's the way the world works, and one day, I'm going to have to accept that I'll need to sacrifice my social life and mental stability for responsibility, money, and independence.
Other than my looming feelings of worthlessness, things have been well. Chicago was awesome even though we barely did anything. We did try deep dish pizza (New York is still better) and ate breakfast at the infamous Lou Mitchell's. Also consumed lots of Jimmy John's sandwiches. Saw Bonz & co. at Mercury Lounge and was told that Becca and I looked "profesh." Few New England Brand New shows coming up that I am not looking as forward to as I should.
I type this lyric pretty frequently to remind myself. I haven't actually followed through with it yet, but it doesn't hurt to have the reminder: "I need to wake up 'cause this ain't a fucking game."