A tiny bit of self-pity and worry
I've been staring at this screen for some time now, trying to put into words what I feel. I'm afraid, really. Almost terrified. Slightly paranoid. A little hungry.
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Hopped up on Mt. Dew
with a thousand things to do.
Midnight rolls 'round
paperwork still piled in a mound.
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I'll be losing my job, my plans for the future, and moving back to my mother's house on the other side of the country, all in just one week! Talented, or what?
Personally, I'd choose 'or what.' ;-)
It's not all bad - seperation pay, VA benefits, and Montgomery GI Bill to pay for a good chunk of school plus a place to stay until I get fully on my feet.
Still...
I think my biggest problem is the nagging sense of failure. I don't handle failure well, mostly because I have little practice at it. Not with anything I've really wanted. And the worst part of it is that it's something I *can't* fix, no matter how much I work at it. I know this, and I'm honestly tired of hurting myself trying to keep up with everyone else, but it still feels like I haven't fought hard enough. That if I just could have put forth a little more effort...
Three years of effort isn't enough?
Granted, the military life isn't glamourous. It's annoying and frustrating living within a bureaucracy that has near complete control of your life. You give up most of your rights upon signing that contract. If you're single, you live where you're told, usually with a roommate not of your choosing, and periodic inspections can be made of your quarters without your permission or presence.
Still...
Playing devil's advocate, most of your needs are taken care of - medical care and dental for you and immediate family, a regular paycheck, a place to live. And a purpose in life.
I'll miss that most - a definitive purpose that I can believe in. Some people have religion. Others devote their lives to their family. I had the Army. The men I serve with are my brothers, the Army values my moral guideline and anchor.
Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless Service, Honor, Integrity, Personal Courage. I have trouble relating to people who don't apply as least a few of these ideals to their lives, personal and professional.
So, now what? What do I do now? For the past three and a half years, so much of who I am, the totality of my self-respect, has been tied to what I do. What I do has become who I am. I am a soldier. What place is there in a civilian life for me? In a world of corporate cutbacks, Boeing layoffs and profit as the only goal, what's a soldier-girl to do?
Okay, that's enough self-pity for the night. Time to tackle the difficult issues - like the best way to pack my painted metal models. The best ones in the padded case and the rest with lots of tissue paper, I think.