(no subject)
I dunno if I can make this invisible or not, gods know my old ones are.
Fuck you for reading this, okay, I don't even know who the fuck you could be, but I'm irritated that you're on my livejournal. I know you didn't stumble here, you're fucking spying on me, and none of you fuckers that have used this site to spy on me have earned anything less than 'fuck you'. Okay? Fuck you.
Anyway.
Nah, I'm lonely (*looks at angry rant above* Wonder why.) And I'm bored and I'm still lonely, but I want to talk, but I feel like I'm bothering everyone, 'cos I've only got three people and I repeat myself something awful, so I feel like I'm bothering everyone. Dammit.
But yeah, so, wanted to talk about a lot of things, really.
Writing this stupid book that is refusing to let me write it.
That's a lie, I'm refusing to let it be written. I keep rewriting it. I don't know what I'm trying to find in it, but I'm trying.
The story itself is actually a set-up for a bigger story, leading into the main part of the lives of these three characters (five, by the time the big story ends). I need this part of the story to fuck with the emotions of one of them so I can break her some so I can make the next bit happen. Gotta get the other one nice and pissy so she runs off to go kill someone that hurt her. (she is very distracted by his dick, so that doesn't work, but that actually keeps her gone long enough to let the development of the main part in her absence, so that's good.)
But I'm still lonely. Keep checking facebook like that's gonna help. Keep checking my phone like someone's gonna contact me.
Found out about a thing that is tied to the perfectionism and social anxiety, but isn't either one. I never thought either of those two worked with me because I was never really worried about what strangers thought of me. I don't know enough about them to guess, for that matter. I don't even notice strangers, really, I never have, so fearing their judgement has never really been my thing.
So instead, Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria thing fits really well. That one isn't worrying ahead of time (I do get mild social anxiety, but it's suuuuuper mild, probably not even social anxiety in the phobic term, just me being nervous) but instead being emotionally scalded by any perceived rejection, be they real or imagined, deliberate or otherwise. Can reject yourself, even, if you don't meet your own standards, and hurt yourself like that. More sensitive to friends and family judgement than others' is another defining quality.
Which is more or less something I've been doing for roughly a decade.
Pretty sure that shit started with the retail job. That shit hurt. Gods.
Part of me is irritated because I know some of that is just me being stupid and complicated and it's normal that I should face rejection like a normal person.
But another bit is grumpy because of what ends up causing the rejections.
'cos I came to the conclusion that I'm autistic, which really has been a fucking relief, finding out that as strange as I am, I'm not broken. Strange is relative and I'm actually a perfectly normal autist. I'm just surrounded constantly by allistic people and autistic people that don't know they're pretending to be allistic, so I feel fucking weird.
But because of all the shit that is now evidence of the autism, shit like my school life and my issues with friends and how bad I am at people-ing, I'm doing the RSD shit. Waiting for the bad shit to happen, waiting to shove my foot in my mouth, waiting to see who I'm gonna piss off next and how bad it's gonna be.
'cos it is.
I'm good at it.
Gods, that still hurts.
And as much effort as I've put in, I can't be normal. I don't even want to be, and most of the time, like not now, I'm angry. I'm ANGRY about it. Why the FUCK do you demand I act like you!? How DARE you?!
And the narrative surrounding autism is just fucking infuriating to me.
"lack empathy", "difficulties communicating", "needs routine and consistency".
So naturally, the answer is to force autistic people to act like allistic people so that allistic people can empathize and communicate with the autistic person like they expect to.
FUCK YOU. It's a state of being fucking defined by a difference in ability (and I say difference because that's what it is. We're empathetic, we just suck at making faces. We communicate just fine, we just use words instead of vocal inflection. Allistic people need routine and consistency just as bad, they just have Karen meltdowns instead of Kevin ones.), and naturally, rather than letting the people definitively "more" able to do the shit, supposedly more adaptable and better at it-- rather than encouraging engagement between the two differences and bridge those gaps-- NATURALLY the answer is to force the people that definitively have more difficulties with it to pretend they're not, and teaching them to hide everything about themselves that might be odd or different or weird or fucking autistic.
"Oh, hey, these people suck at communicating, and we're good at it! Instead of learning to communicate with this person, I'm going to yell at them until they can copy the way I communicate." That makes perfect sense.
Fuck all y'all.
*mutter*
Saw one about "autistic people can drive when they learn how to drive". Bitch. Fuck you. Who the fuck asked? Even if someone did ask, can we check on the fucking allistics that can't fucking drive? I even made that joke. "Unlike allistics, who need classes, lessons, and every sign on the road. Not to be disablist or anything, I'm sure lots of them eventually get it right."
It's sort of a defining quality. It always was, but now I have a name for it.
Gods, it explained so much to learn.
So now I'm trying to write this book and I can't focus on it and I'm still lonely.
And I don't want to type to no one, either. Damn.
I'm still fucking lonely.