(no subject)
i can't lie... i never expected this semester to be like this... it's so hard. i have never cried so much in my life. not only that but nothing interest me... wrestlign bores me, i can't stand ppl long enough to actually hang out with anyone, and that includes talking to lani on the phone... and it's like. i love her. she is nothing i was looking for.. and liek we have so little in common but that's like the good thing... we have so much to talk about and we understand eachother, i have never been able to talk to anyone so much in my life... but none the less... since everythign with my dad has happened... it strated to go down hill, but it was bearable then... my dad is tough and he'll be able to make it for sure, evenif he can't really move right now.. but now... with my mom... it's too hard. i can't take this. it hurts so bad... constantly... that i'm numb... i can seriously go days without feeling anything. hell i used to get so upset when tam and i would fight... now. nothing. i feel a little bad for liek a few seconds. but after that... nothing. nothing in my life matters to me any more. i just want this to all go away. i want my mom to get better. not just for a while but forever. she needs to live to see me graduate from here and grad school. and then get a job and get married and have kids... so that my kids will have a grandma. i would give anything for her to get better.... and u know what... some kids today had enough nerve to tell me to fucking look to god. yes god. not God. fuck god. first of all god if fake and that is obvious. but even if there was. why should i have faith in him. he has taken everything from me anyhow. jac and kev... the two greatest guys in the world... so fuck him. all god does for people is give them something to look to, but really they are just looking into themselves. i hate fucking religious bastards and i swear that if anyoen tells me to look to fucking god i don't care who the fuck they are i will probabily get pissed and tell them that god can go fuck himself for all i care. see that's the difference with me now. i don't care... i don't care. i went from being a very caring person to someone who doesn't care... but seriously why should i care? i have no control over anything that's going on. hell jacque was like the only person who cares and she's found a really cool guy and she's never in her room anymore... but other that... how many other people genuinely give a shit about anyone else but themselves? if i wasn't in love right now.. and if i didn't really give a shit. i would just kill myself. but i can't because that would kill my family and break lani's heart. but seriously.. i don't want to be here... u know what i do to keep this stuff off my mind? i either play video games... or i study. cuz anythign else and this happens...
and fuck one more thing. fuck god. adn the church. how can they dares say that god was good if they don't treat gays equal. that's fucking bullshit and everyone knows it. who do they think they are to be able to tell people who they should and shouldn't fall for. fuck why isn't there anyone out there who can just explain this to me.. everything. gagh.... i wish i cut still. i want to soooo bad. call me fuckign crazy, and i can't deny that, but it just feels so good, the way it stings. fuck. this. qwertyuioplkjhgfdsaaazxcvbnm qazwsxedcrfvtgbyhnujmik,ol. hahaha. fuck. fuck..... fuck. i would even feel it. i don't feel anything. a heart? no. fuck hearts the nice ppl always finish last. fuck. why can't they just give my kidneys and liver and spinal vein to my mom.... i need her to live.. we all need her ot live. i don't care.. seriously... i don't care about me. i just need her to live.