how many times can it escalate to a point where i cant breathe
I am so enraged with frustration. I am practically shaking and I am internally just thrashing around. I honestly just want to dig my nails (if you can even call them nails) into my skin but i will resist the urge. Why you ask? Because I am working on my first chem lab of the semester.
I just am not good at chem. I never have been and never will be. I can understand concepts and ideas but I am not good with numbers. I cant think in numbers and I make mistakes easily when dealing with them. Period. I can try my hardest but I always end up getting C's and C+'s. I like bio. Bio for me is much easier because I just have to understand ideas and processes. Learning that kind of stuff for me is like memorizing a story.
The lab manual that my chem dept uses was compiled by a main chem professor and it is such shit. I feel like it is only half a manual and they make you guess or assume the rest. It is written poorly and that can make easy mistakes. I just dont understand it half the time and I feel like it is missing a lot of info. or the info is presented in such a way that makes me just scratch my head and want to throw it all across the room.
Now. The forensic science program at my uni (the program just started last yr) is very chem based. It requires me to take about 6 chem classes to get the degree, basic bio (which i have completed), and some bio stats, and basic physics along with some criminal justice and forensic classes. As a freshman i didn't have a problem with it. I just said, well I'll take things as they come along, one step at a time..I can just do it. I just need to study. The program is really good for people that want to work in labs and toxicology and that is what i was leaning towards within the field last year. I figured that i would just work in a local crime lab analyzing samples and whatever came my way and then when i was established do some investigative work.
Last semester I took a Forensic Anthropology class with Prof. Ferraro. Now, i totally idolize her and look up to her. She is an anthropologist and the last 5 or so yrs she has been working out of a crime lab in memphis when they need her during the year for a case or something and during summers. She also goes on a lot of archaelogical digs and sometimes takes her honors or grad students with her to France and various places. It would be so cool to tag along with her. She specializes in working with child abuse cases and seeing if the deceased child had a history of abuse or if it was a one time event. She was just so inspiring last semester and i LOVED the class. I honestly was upset when she was absent. She was absent quite a bit because she had to fly to TN a few times to work on a big important case.
I am taking her Anthro 1 class right now. I'm glad i am. I really wanted to really befriend her and take more of her classes because i think she is fantastic, and so intelligent. I wanted her to be a good reference for future work and she would be a good person to give me advice, which is what i need desperately right now. I emailed her in the summer but she never wrote me back. I asked about it and she said she was away in France for 2 mnths and in Tn for a while so that things just kind of may have gotten overlooked. She is a busy lady. I had written her to get advice about what i should do because i am so stuck about what to do with my future. I spoke to her and she was more than happy to meet with me in her office and talk and answer any questions that i have. We just need to agree on a meeting time and that is proving to be difficult since we both seem to be busy and have weird schedules.
over the summer i pretty much decided that i dont want to be a toxicologist. i realized that i really wanted to work with bones. i think it is fascinating and i cant see it ever getting boring. so now i dont know what to do since the Forensic program is not good for that kind of work. Our anthropology program is tiny. Prof Ferraro teaches all of the classes in there are only like 4 of them. The anthro program is really a sociology program and even that isnt that great. I am pretty sure that I will just have to transfer. I never really thought that transfering would ever be in my future so this is weird. Now, it isnt set in stone of course but i have to seriously consider it for many reasons. I mean i guess i could just switch my major to Bio and finish at CW POST as a bio major but that doesn't thrill me too much.
I've been looking into good anthro programs and Skidmore has a FANTASTIC anthropology program. Now, there are forensic anthro programs but they are all in strange places in the US and I am not really willing to go that far. I would miss home way too much and i love NY. I suppose I could go to a school in the NE BUT Skidmore would be such a good choice. I know that area of upstate well, it is only about 20 mins from lake george and i LOOOVE Saratoga Springs. Everytime Nick and i are up in Lake George I make him take me to Saratoga to just walk around. It is the cutest college town ever and just beautiful. I've been meaning to visit the campus but i havent gotten the chance to.
Life is so funny. I wouldve never thought that I would be changing directions and looking into Anthropology. It makes sense to me though since I have always been into subjects like anthro, english, sociology, etc. It shocked me and my parents when i decided to become a forensics major. It still shocks me sometimes. I figured that getting a science degree of some sort would be practical because a lot of the time if you major in things like psych, english, etc. to me it seems like there is a dead end at the end of the road simply because I wouldnt want to teach, or write books, etc. so i wouldnt know what to do with my degree even though i LOOOVE the subject(s). Does that make sense? I looked to science because it is forever changing and would open a lot of doors for me. I love science, er most aspects of it. A science teacher once told me not to be scared to dislike a field of science or a topic because even scientists dont like certain things, which of course makes sense.
I can't wait to talk to Prof Ferraro and get some advice. I'm sure she has a lot for me and can help me out. I can probably do an independent study with her next semester if i dont transfer out (that really depends on me and if i learn to drive by then, etc). it would be nice. the only think I will miss about not really being a part of the Forensics program here is interning at a morgue or crime lab my junior year. See, im talking as if i have already made up my mind but i havent. i am just heavily leaning towards a big change. it scares me but if i have to do it, then so be it. One step at a time.
The only thing that worries me about majoring in Anthro is what I would be doing after I get my degree. I really dont know what i could do with it. research? travelling and going on digs? I guess i should ask my professor to give me a good idea of what I could do with it.
I emailed the Anthro dept at Skidmore the other day and here is the reply:
Dear Eva,
Thank you very much for your interest in Skidmore. I'm afraid that you can't really train in a program in forensic anthropology here at Skidmore, though we certainly have a more well rounded anthropology program than the ones that you describe below. In fact, if you were to take full advantage of the program here, you would be well qualified to enter into a Master's in Forensic science program with an emphasis on osteology. Indeed, I would advise you to pursue an anthropology degree like ours, rather looking for another undergraduate program. In my view, students specialize too quickly in opting for forensics at the undergraduate level and thus lose the benefit of the vision and training that comes with a liberal arts degree. I also suspect that any undergraduate program in which you will enroll will emphasize biochemical work over osteology, because that is the way the profession is developing. At the graduate level, however, you may be able to follow a more distinctive specialization within the field.
I hope this information and advice is helpful.
Best,
Professor Susan Bender
I really like this letter. It seems sincere and it makes a lot of sense. Anthro is an awesome field because it encompasses so much so hopefully it will allow me a lot of choices and opportunities for future careers. As for grad programs I know there is an excellent forensic anthro/osteology program at NYU. so ya know maybe...;)
I love forensics. i really do. I am fascinated by it and i really want to work within it so even if i do get an anthro ba or bs i will want to do some bio or forensic type grad work probably.
I applied to SKIDMORE when i was a senior in hs. It was a reach school for me. I didnt finish applying so the 60 dollar fee went to waste. By then, i had already decided on staying home and trying out CW Post's forensic program. I requested a transfer student packet from them which i should be getting soon and I have to email a few people to get some random info, ya know just in case.
The other thing that is making me want to leave POST is the fact that I am lonely there. I don't feel comfortable here which i already expected simply because this is Long Island. I am not originally from here so I just dont fit in. Everyone here is so materialistic, boring, and just wants to party all day long and use their cell phones 24/7. I can't identify with that. Most people seem so spoiled and Im sure there is an element of this everywhere and upstate but not to this extent. If you know anythng about long island, you will know what i mean. I cant stand the snobbery and the stupid, empty girls and jock boys. The environment there is just not one that i can function well in. I realized recently that most days I can go through an entire day on campus without really talking to anyone. I want to have an inteligent conversation for once and I am sick of people complaining about professors about VERY petty things and talking about how they hate to read or have they will just cheat or something. I'm not an angel by any standards but I just cant deal with these asshats any longer.
Last yr I had a close group of friends and I was closest to Steve and Mehnaz. Mehnaz decided to take a semester off and I am so angry or just annoyed. She is really screwing herself over with this but it isnt my place to really judge. I just miss her. We are both forensics majors so we had a lot of classes together and although she can be very different from me I could still find a common ground with her. Steve is awesome. He is so fun to be around and always makes me laugh. Our schedules dont match at all and I rarely see him so now i am all alone. I cant really see making any solid, long term friends from the classes that i have this semester. And the fact that my best friend Alex is busy with her first semester of her freshman yr doesnt help. and well Alex is a sore subject...I guess some of you may know about it from reading my journal. We have drifted and it hurts so much. She is my soulmate and I need and miss her.
Skidmore would be a great place for me i think. it is a very artsy college in a wonderful area. i love upstate NY and the general feel of it. People are very relaxed there and Im sure the environment will be different in so many ways. Post just seems boring at this point. the only downside about Skid is the fact that is is 32 grand a yr when Post is about 23. That's a big difference so i have to way that out. Although I am not paying for my education I have to think about it and whether or not I want my parents to really open their wallets that much. I'm sure they would never say no, education is important and they want me to do well and be successful and happy, etc. but then there is the guilt on my part. I guess it will all pay off in the end somehow...My folks are so giving and they have a lot of faith in me. I appreciate that.
I have joined the SKIDMORE online journal community. I hope to befriend some people so that they can answer some questions that I have about the student life, and general things, but things that I cant really get answered just by emailing a dept in the school. I was lurking on someone's profile and I found this...
G.A.S.H (gender and sexuallity house @ skidmore) which i am ecstatic about. These last few yrs or last yr or two have been very trying for me in terms of my own sexuality. But most of all I just miss being active in the GLBT community. I was in the GSA in HS and that was great. My school has a RAINBOW ALLIANCE but it is small and nearly invisible i feel. The times that they meet are also not good for me. They meet at 8pm on Mondays and as a commuter without a car I just dont want to put up with that. I do hope to go on some outings with them and at least get to know the people. *sigh*
Thanks for reading, if you have made it this far. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I have been thinking about this whole sitch A LOT lately. I just want to figure things out and explore my different possibilities. I will def. keep you all updated but most of all this was an excellent way of venting. I needed to write it all out and get it all out.
I'm going to go to my aunt's house later so that she can cut my hair. yesssss. it is just getting way too long and annoying. Im going to want to just cut it very short like i used to have it and now have this shaggy mess that i have now. I just dont have the energy to put up with it and keep getting it done. I guess i can dye it another day and my aunt can bring me back hair dye from her salon.
oh and i did quit work on Thursday. I decided to not go to work on Friday and not finish out the week. it feels good. That job was a little stressful for me in a lot of ways since i still have issues with anxiety and slight panic. I need to focus on school now big time. I hope to get my check next week. I dont have school on Fridays anymore so I now have 3 day weekends. Hopefully i will use a lot of that time to study like I used to.
I just am not good at chem. I never have been and never will be. I can understand concepts and ideas but I am not good with numbers. I cant think in numbers and I make mistakes easily when dealing with them. Period. I can try my hardest but I always end up getting C's and C+'s. I like bio. Bio for me is much easier because I just have to understand ideas and processes. Learning that kind of stuff for me is like memorizing a story.
The lab manual that my chem dept uses was compiled by a main chem professor and it is such shit. I feel like it is only half a manual and they make you guess or assume the rest. It is written poorly and that can make easy mistakes. I just dont understand it half the time and I feel like it is missing a lot of info. or the info is presented in such a way that makes me just scratch my head and want to throw it all across the room.
Now. The forensic science program at my uni (the program just started last yr) is very chem based. It requires me to take about 6 chem classes to get the degree, basic bio (which i have completed), and some bio stats, and basic physics along with some criminal justice and forensic classes. As a freshman i didn't have a problem with it. I just said, well I'll take things as they come along, one step at a time..I can just do it. I just need to study. The program is really good for people that want to work in labs and toxicology and that is what i was leaning towards within the field last year. I figured that i would just work in a local crime lab analyzing samples and whatever came my way and then when i was established do some investigative work.
Last semester I took a Forensic Anthropology class with Prof. Ferraro. Now, i totally idolize her and look up to her. She is an anthropologist and the last 5 or so yrs she has been working out of a crime lab in memphis when they need her during the year for a case or something and during summers. She also goes on a lot of archaelogical digs and sometimes takes her honors or grad students with her to France and various places. It would be so cool to tag along with her. She specializes in working with child abuse cases and seeing if the deceased child had a history of abuse or if it was a one time event. She was just so inspiring last semester and i LOVED the class. I honestly was upset when she was absent. She was absent quite a bit because she had to fly to TN a few times to work on a big important case.
I am taking her Anthro 1 class right now. I'm glad i am. I really wanted to really befriend her and take more of her classes because i think she is fantastic, and so intelligent. I wanted her to be a good reference for future work and she would be a good person to give me advice, which is what i need desperately right now. I emailed her in the summer but she never wrote me back. I asked about it and she said she was away in France for 2 mnths and in Tn for a while so that things just kind of may have gotten overlooked. She is a busy lady. I had written her to get advice about what i should do because i am so stuck about what to do with my future. I spoke to her and she was more than happy to meet with me in her office and talk and answer any questions that i have. We just need to agree on a meeting time and that is proving to be difficult since we both seem to be busy and have weird schedules.
over the summer i pretty much decided that i dont want to be a toxicologist. i realized that i really wanted to work with bones. i think it is fascinating and i cant see it ever getting boring. so now i dont know what to do since the Forensic program is not good for that kind of work. Our anthropology program is tiny. Prof Ferraro teaches all of the classes in there are only like 4 of them. The anthro program is really a sociology program and even that isnt that great. I am pretty sure that I will just have to transfer. I never really thought that transfering would ever be in my future so this is weird. Now, it isnt set in stone of course but i have to seriously consider it for many reasons. I mean i guess i could just switch my major to Bio and finish at CW POST as a bio major but that doesn't thrill me too much.
I've been looking into good anthro programs and Skidmore has a FANTASTIC anthropology program. Now, there are forensic anthro programs but they are all in strange places in the US and I am not really willing to go that far. I would miss home way too much and i love NY. I suppose I could go to a school in the NE BUT Skidmore would be such a good choice. I know that area of upstate well, it is only about 20 mins from lake george and i LOOOVE Saratoga Springs. Everytime Nick and i are up in Lake George I make him take me to Saratoga to just walk around. It is the cutest college town ever and just beautiful. I've been meaning to visit the campus but i havent gotten the chance to.
Life is so funny. I wouldve never thought that I would be changing directions and looking into Anthropology. It makes sense to me though since I have always been into subjects like anthro, english, sociology, etc. It shocked me and my parents when i decided to become a forensics major. It still shocks me sometimes. I figured that getting a science degree of some sort would be practical because a lot of the time if you major in things like psych, english, etc. to me it seems like there is a dead end at the end of the road simply because I wouldnt want to teach, or write books, etc. so i wouldnt know what to do with my degree even though i LOOOVE the subject(s). Does that make sense? I looked to science because it is forever changing and would open a lot of doors for me. I love science, er most aspects of it. A science teacher once told me not to be scared to dislike a field of science or a topic because even scientists dont like certain things, which of course makes sense.
I can't wait to talk to Prof Ferraro and get some advice. I'm sure she has a lot for me and can help me out. I can probably do an independent study with her next semester if i dont transfer out (that really depends on me and if i learn to drive by then, etc). it would be nice. the only think I will miss about not really being a part of the Forensics program here is interning at a morgue or crime lab my junior year. See, im talking as if i have already made up my mind but i havent. i am just heavily leaning towards a big change. it scares me but if i have to do it, then so be it. One step at a time.
The only thing that worries me about majoring in Anthro is what I would be doing after I get my degree. I really dont know what i could do with it. research? travelling and going on digs? I guess i should ask my professor to give me a good idea of what I could do with it.
I emailed the Anthro dept at Skidmore the other day and here is the reply:
Dear Eva,
Thank you very much for your interest in Skidmore. I'm afraid that you can't really train in a program in forensic anthropology here at Skidmore, though we certainly have a more well rounded anthropology program than the ones that you describe below. In fact, if you were to take full advantage of the program here, you would be well qualified to enter into a Master's in Forensic science program with an emphasis on osteology. Indeed, I would advise you to pursue an anthropology degree like ours, rather looking for another undergraduate program. In my view, students specialize too quickly in opting for forensics at the undergraduate level and thus lose the benefit of the vision and training that comes with a liberal arts degree. I also suspect that any undergraduate program in which you will enroll will emphasize biochemical work over osteology, because that is the way the profession is developing. At the graduate level, however, you may be able to follow a more distinctive specialization within the field.
I hope this information and advice is helpful.
Best,
Professor Susan Bender
I really like this letter. It seems sincere and it makes a lot of sense. Anthro is an awesome field because it encompasses so much so hopefully it will allow me a lot of choices and opportunities for future careers. As for grad programs I know there is an excellent forensic anthro/osteology program at NYU. so ya know maybe...;)
I love forensics. i really do. I am fascinated by it and i really want to work within it so even if i do get an anthro ba or bs i will want to do some bio or forensic type grad work probably.
I applied to SKIDMORE when i was a senior in hs. It was a reach school for me. I didnt finish applying so the 60 dollar fee went to waste. By then, i had already decided on staying home and trying out CW Post's forensic program. I requested a transfer student packet from them which i should be getting soon and I have to email a few people to get some random info, ya know just in case.
The other thing that is making me want to leave POST is the fact that I am lonely there. I don't feel comfortable here which i already expected simply because this is Long Island. I am not originally from here so I just dont fit in. Everyone here is so materialistic, boring, and just wants to party all day long and use their cell phones 24/7. I can't identify with that. Most people seem so spoiled and Im sure there is an element of this everywhere and upstate but not to this extent. If you know anythng about long island, you will know what i mean. I cant stand the snobbery and the stupid, empty girls and jock boys. The environment there is just not one that i can function well in. I realized recently that most days I can go through an entire day on campus without really talking to anyone. I want to have an inteligent conversation for once and I am sick of people complaining about professors about VERY petty things and talking about how they hate to read or have they will just cheat or something. I'm not an angel by any standards but I just cant deal with these asshats any longer.
Last yr I had a close group of friends and I was closest to Steve and Mehnaz. Mehnaz decided to take a semester off and I am so angry or just annoyed. She is really screwing herself over with this but it isnt my place to really judge. I just miss her. We are both forensics majors so we had a lot of classes together and although she can be very different from me I could still find a common ground with her. Steve is awesome. He is so fun to be around and always makes me laugh. Our schedules dont match at all and I rarely see him so now i am all alone. I cant really see making any solid, long term friends from the classes that i have this semester. And the fact that my best friend Alex is busy with her first semester of her freshman yr doesnt help. and well Alex is a sore subject...I guess some of you may know about it from reading my journal. We have drifted and it hurts so much. She is my soulmate and I need and miss her.
Skidmore would be a great place for me i think. it is a very artsy college in a wonderful area. i love upstate NY and the general feel of it. People are very relaxed there and Im sure the environment will be different in so many ways. Post just seems boring at this point. the only downside about Skid is the fact that is is 32 grand a yr when Post is about 23. That's a big difference so i have to way that out. Although I am not paying for my education I have to think about it and whether or not I want my parents to really open their wallets that much. I'm sure they would never say no, education is important and they want me to do well and be successful and happy, etc. but then there is the guilt on my part. I guess it will all pay off in the end somehow...My folks are so giving and they have a lot of faith in me. I appreciate that.
I have joined the SKIDMORE online journal community. I hope to befriend some people so that they can answer some questions that I have about the student life, and general things, but things that I cant really get answered just by emailing a dept in the school. I was lurking on someone's profile and I found this...
G.A.S.H (gender and sexuallity house @ skidmore) which i am ecstatic about. These last few yrs or last yr or two have been very trying for me in terms of my own sexuality. But most of all I just miss being active in the GLBT community. I was in the GSA in HS and that was great. My school has a RAINBOW ALLIANCE but it is small and nearly invisible i feel. The times that they meet are also not good for me. They meet at 8pm on Mondays and as a commuter without a car I just dont want to put up with that. I do hope to go on some outings with them and at least get to know the people. *sigh*
Thanks for reading, if you have made it this far. I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I have been thinking about this whole sitch A LOT lately. I just want to figure things out and explore my different possibilities. I will def. keep you all updated but most of all this was an excellent way of venting. I needed to write it all out and get it all out.
I'm going to go to my aunt's house later so that she can cut my hair. yesssss. it is just getting way too long and annoying. Im going to want to just cut it very short like i used to have it and now have this shaggy mess that i have now. I just dont have the energy to put up with it and keep getting it done. I guess i can dye it another day and my aunt can bring me back hair dye from her salon.
oh and i did quit work on Thursday. I decided to not go to work on Friday and not finish out the week. it feels good. That job was a little stressful for me in a lot of ways since i still have issues with anxiety and slight panic. I need to focus on school now big time. I hope to get my check next week. I dont have school on Fridays anymore so I now have 3 day weekends. Hopefully i will use a lot of that time to study like I used to.