Embers

[raspberrymelody]

I am truly grateful
for dance, for music
that after months of yearning for something I could never ask for
of staring at backs of heads
of gazes directed toward someone else
of unavoidable dishonesty
I was finally able to hold your hand
and feel your arms around my waist.
For once I was ready
For once I didn't feel worthless
I felt nothing.
Without crippling self-consciousness
My heart was silent at the thought of being near you.
I have finally accepted the fact that your embrace will never be true
Because it's not me you're in love with
And I just can't be in love with you.
Today I am amazed I can talk about you two
so, so easily now
and without any residual pain.

That comes after.
In the most vulnerable hours of the night
When the piano sings, and strings kick in
(Divenire will always remind me of you.)
Sometimes
I can't quite convince myself that someone like you
isn't perfect for me.
But I try
God, am I trying
I am trying to love myself in my solitude.