I've got this thing that I consider my only heart,...

[raspberryindie]

LJ is literally a waste now. I think I just use it as like a drop box for all my problems so I can dump them on someone else so I can get some damned sleep. So maybe it isnt a total waste then. It would be a lot easier if I had an off button on the back of my head. Sometimes I wanna hit the off button and never turn it on, cause learning too much has been a serious tragedy lately. Learning too much about how democrats are really republicans in Britain and France has communists that are really socialists etc etc is making all political systems run into one. Learning too much about how to critically analyze someone's writing is taking away the pleasure of it. Learning that the place I work is founded upon a realm of scandals is eating my morale. Learning about what has come of my best friends from high school and middle school makes me consider the point in our lives where we decided what our standards for the rest of our lives would be. What I haven't learned, is if standards are really that important. You know sometimes you look at your friends who society deems failures and wish you were them because to them they aren't failing, they are doing what they want. Bob Dylan said that a man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants. I wish it were that easy. No one ever really does what they really want, because if they did, no one would be here right now in college. Yes we all want a career with gobs of money, until some of us learn that education and a degree isn't all it takes to succeed in the future. To seriously get to the top you have to go through a lot of under the table bullshit which usually always involves money, sex, drugs, or all three. Honestly that is the most useful lesson I've learned in college. Nothing is honest anymore. There is no honest job because let's face it, people aren't honest. Sometimes I just feel so cheated because when we were in high school, we wanted out of the drama of high school to come to the "real world." Yeah we dealt with a lot of immature bullshit then, but at the same time we never understood the real world has drama of its own that is even more deeply engrained than stupid rumors and homecoming court. Looks like we got what we wanted.

Most of the time I find myself thinking I need some real emotion in my life like love or sincere hapiness, but then I remember again nothing is honest anymore. Everything stems from decay. I just need to settle with something so completely fake and live in a happy false reality where man is pure and everyone has your best interest at heart. I want to be like Lenina on Brave New World sometimes and just take stupid Soma and be blissfully ignorant. Yes being ignorant has its downfalls, but what you don't know can't stab you in the back. I'll end this argument with a quote from my favorite psychotic yet brilliant author:

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." - Ernest Hemingway