Sleepless nights
When I look at my wannabe christian self I can't help but wonder how a God so great, so all-powerful and infinite, who hates hypocrisy and selfishness and all things sinful could love a wretch like me. I wonder how I could traipse around grey areas declaring the glory of the Lord. I feel so selfish and utterly ungrateful for cheapening God's grace and taking something so infinite and amazing for granted. I really need to put things into perspective more often.
My feelings have been plaguing me of late. No kidding. I used to be able to shut them out turning off a switch. But they're flooding into every nook and cranny, every tiny crevice of my mind that seems to have forgotten all that made me feel worthless, confused and utterly brutal for shutting people out. It's like they're scrubbing old wounds with salt, that these wounds may bleed afresh, that the guilt of sin may stay real and unforgiving. What happened to triumphing in redemption, by the blood of Christ? I wonder if I will ever be able to truly lift all that I am, sinful and wretched, to Him thoroughly. To truly triumph in His love that made something out of my nothingness, that made beautiful things out of the dust. What a wonderful thing that would be.
I used to think Christianity was quite a strange religion, for people to indulge in self-hatred and adoration for this all-powerful God that no one could compare to. Who the hell does that? What's the use of comparing oneself to lofty ideals that will never be attained? But then I saw how God loved his people. I saw how people changed when they truly experienced His love. I saw grace in the imperfections, beauty in the ashes, glory in the ruins. I got around to the idea of sin and how we fell short. CS Lewis put it brilliantly when he said "God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down." I still can't quite find the words to express the feelings I had on the day I decided to really follow Jesus (which was, honestly, quite recently), but I can only pray these feelings don't go away.
These feelings remind me how I need Him all the more, these feelings of disgust and wretchedness about myself show how I am turning to Him when I'm facing sin head on. They remind me of how I used to go along with sin and go all the way with it, and show me how I've grown since then. In hindsight, I really have grown. Man I was wrestling with far more trivial things than this a year ago.
But I trust You and I trust that my imperfect love for You will be made useful for Your glory, and I trust that eventually, I will realise and acknowledge in its entirety, that Christ is enough. That I wouldn't be leaning on rickety crutches of self-worth that are really just rubbish compared to the all-surpassing worth of knowing Christ.
Okay lol clearly veered off topic (I intended to talk about relationships and all things feely) but I guess this was what was tying my heart into knots.
Good morning.
My feelings have been plaguing me of late. No kidding. I used to be able to shut them out turning off a switch. But they're flooding into every nook and cranny, every tiny crevice of my mind that seems to have forgotten all that made me feel worthless, confused and utterly brutal for shutting people out. It's like they're scrubbing old wounds with salt, that these wounds may bleed afresh, that the guilt of sin may stay real and unforgiving. What happened to triumphing in redemption, by the blood of Christ? I wonder if I will ever be able to truly lift all that I am, sinful and wretched, to Him thoroughly. To truly triumph in His love that made something out of my nothingness, that made beautiful things out of the dust. What a wonderful thing that would be.
I used to think Christianity was quite a strange religion, for people to indulge in self-hatred and adoration for this all-powerful God that no one could compare to. Who the hell does that? What's the use of comparing oneself to lofty ideals that will never be attained? But then I saw how God loved his people. I saw how people changed when they truly experienced His love. I saw grace in the imperfections, beauty in the ashes, glory in the ruins. I got around to the idea of sin and how we fell short. CS Lewis put it brilliantly when he said "God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down." I still can't quite find the words to express the feelings I had on the day I decided to really follow Jesus (which was, honestly, quite recently), but I can only pray these feelings don't go away.
These feelings remind me how I need Him all the more, these feelings of disgust and wretchedness about myself show how I am turning to Him when I'm facing sin head on. They remind me of how I used to go along with sin and go all the way with it, and show me how I've grown since then. In hindsight, I really have grown. Man I was wrestling with far more trivial things than this a year ago.
But I trust You and I trust that my imperfect love for You will be made useful for Your glory, and I trust that eventually, I will realise and acknowledge in its entirety, that Christ is enough. That I wouldn't be leaning on rickety crutches of self-worth that are really just rubbish compared to the all-surpassing worth of knowing Christ.
Okay lol clearly veered off topic (I intended to talk about relationships and all things feely) but I guess this was what was tying my heart into knots.
Good morning.