(no subject)
I'm going through another 'everyone would be better off without me here' phase.. I hate these. Every time I go through one, the reasons to stay keep dwindling down to a scarce few.
I'm a drain on resources. Not just Greg's resources, but all my friends, draining them of their food or time or emotional stability or other resources. And them saying that they don't care, that I can use what I want to and it doesn't matter, doesn't help the situation at all, I HAVE to give back in whatever way I can, and if I am able to give back to one group, it's only because I took from another in order to do it. But most the time, I'm just a mooch, as much as I hate being so. Its the plain and simple truth.
I don't like being a drain, I want desperately to contribute to EVERYTHING. Rent, bills, food, fun, toys, everything. I want to get a job, I've been trying to find something that I can physically handle doing with no success what so ever. Even things that would stress my body beyond what it should be doing, I've had no luck finding. "You're just not looking hard enough" or "Keep trying, you'll find something" just piss me off anymore. To me, its the same as a rich person looking at a poor person and saying "Just try harder and you can be where I'm at." right before I knock out a few of their teeth.
This shit ain't easy, no matter how little or hard you try, nor does it seem to make a difference. One person can spend every week day for 3 months straight looking for work, while the another sends in maybe 2 or 3 apps in a month for those 3 months, and they both get hired at the same time. This "Hard work pays off" ethic of last generation doesn't mean jack shit anymore, but "Nice guys finish last" still holds true.
I want to leave. If I'm going to be a drain on people, let it be people that owe it to me by bringing me into this world. I think I may do just that, too. When I get a replacement vehicle with the insurance money, I'll use the rest to pack up and move back to Missouri. Learn wood working from my dad. Make furniture and sell it off to make money. I think I could do it. Fuck, I could make AB furniture even. Sure, the 'rents would be like "Wtf is this crap?" but if it makes money, they shouldn't bitch.
The major thing that's holding me back from running away again, is that I don't know if I could deal with living near family that thinks I'm a sex crazed child molesting rapist because I'm gay. Exact quote, too. Quite literally, my brother-in-law doesn't want me alone around my nephews for that reason. So yeah, the single hateful opinion of not even blood family, prevents me from making this decision. Plus my dad denies me being gay, my sister's opinion is skewed because of her husband, and my mom tries to be accepting, in an awkward Dr. Phil kinda way..
Idk. I hate not knowing. I especially hate not knowing what to do. My roommate is fed up with me, even thought he has said specifically that if it came down to it, he WILL support me, thought now he does nothing but bitch about me to everyone else. I KNOW the other two living here aren't happy with me, either, for god knows what reason.. Idk. I don't feel comfortable or welcome here anymore when people are around. I feel more at home at new friends house than I do in my own apartment.
If I can't find a decent paying job by christmas, or within a month of getting a new vehicle with the insurance money, I'm gone. Fuck this. If I can't do anything right, I'm gonna stop screwing up the lives of everyone else because of it.
I'm a drain on resources. Not just Greg's resources, but all my friends, draining them of their food or time or emotional stability or other resources. And them saying that they don't care, that I can use what I want to and it doesn't matter, doesn't help the situation at all, I HAVE to give back in whatever way I can, and if I am able to give back to one group, it's only because I took from another in order to do it. But most the time, I'm just a mooch, as much as I hate being so. Its the plain and simple truth.
I don't like being a drain, I want desperately to contribute to EVERYTHING. Rent, bills, food, fun, toys, everything. I want to get a job, I've been trying to find something that I can physically handle doing with no success what so ever. Even things that would stress my body beyond what it should be doing, I've had no luck finding. "You're just not looking hard enough" or "Keep trying, you'll find something" just piss me off anymore. To me, its the same as a rich person looking at a poor person and saying "Just try harder and you can be where I'm at." right before I knock out a few of their teeth.
This shit ain't easy, no matter how little or hard you try, nor does it seem to make a difference. One person can spend every week day for 3 months straight looking for work, while the another sends in maybe 2 or 3 apps in a month for those 3 months, and they both get hired at the same time. This "Hard work pays off" ethic of last generation doesn't mean jack shit anymore, but "Nice guys finish last" still holds true.
I want to leave. If I'm going to be a drain on people, let it be people that owe it to me by bringing me into this world. I think I may do just that, too. When I get a replacement vehicle with the insurance money, I'll use the rest to pack up and move back to Missouri. Learn wood working from my dad. Make furniture and sell it off to make money. I think I could do it. Fuck, I could make AB furniture even. Sure, the 'rents would be like "Wtf is this crap?" but if it makes money, they shouldn't bitch.
The major thing that's holding me back from running away again, is that I don't know if I could deal with living near family that thinks I'm a sex crazed child molesting rapist because I'm gay. Exact quote, too. Quite literally, my brother-in-law doesn't want me alone around my nephews for that reason. So yeah, the single hateful opinion of not even blood family, prevents me from making this decision. Plus my dad denies me being gay, my sister's opinion is skewed because of her husband, and my mom tries to be accepting, in an awkward Dr. Phil kinda way..
Idk. I hate not knowing. I especially hate not knowing what to do. My roommate is fed up with me, even thought he has said specifically that if it came down to it, he WILL support me, thought now he does nothing but bitch about me to everyone else. I KNOW the other two living here aren't happy with me, either, for god knows what reason.. Idk. I don't feel comfortable or welcome here anymore when people are around. I feel more at home at new friends house than I do in my own apartment.
If I can't find a decent paying job by christmas, or within a month of getting a new vehicle with the insurance money, I'm gone. Fuck this. If I can't do anything right, I'm gonna stop screwing up the lives of everyone else because of it.