...even the best writers don't know where their stories will take them...
Things have been odd for me lately...
One thing that always struck me was how women viewed my homes. No matter what age, or relation to me, from my ex-girlfriend, my Mom, sisters of my roommates...it was always the same.
"Looks like a bunch of bachelors live here."
I always recoiled at the word and thought. I never felt like a bachelor. Ever really. But I never was really able to put it together until tonight why.
Sitting by myself, eating alone the past two nights, I was a bachelor. I had no one else to think of. It was such an...alien feeling to me. I always have been in the back of my mind, doing things for everyone around me. Until a few days ago, that is. I would cook, and clean. My conversations would be diplomatic. Even when people were outwardly hostile to me, cut me down, pick fights, hurt my feelings...I rarely would even express myself and just bottle it up inside.
Why?
Xenocide brought some of these thoughts to me and I put other pieces together myself. One thing that they speak about in the book is Men, by nature, are solitary. Men are supposed to, as Muzz and I have discussed at length, go out into the world and conquer...make a name for themselves. Make their name a proud, good thing. In Xenocide, Valentine said that for Men, they try to be agressive, and 'spread their seed' as far as they can. To do this, they show themselves to be the most worthy of mating, by being the toughest, strongest guy. Women though, while they long for this in a mate, the strongest of the pack, they also want stability, so their offspring will survive. What good is a male who just goes off banging whatever has two legs?
This really struck home for me. I always watched as pretty, smart girls went for these tough guys, got knocked up, and then were surprised when they cheated on them and offered them no stability.
In short, I don't live by that rule of wanting to 'spread my seed'. I found it repulsive. Watching it in other men, how they treat women as just a sexual object. There are different layers to it all, even guys I know who on the outside are nice, when it boils down to it, that's all they've thought of women. I'm different. I've been trying to live by the female idea, of civilization, of trying to be stabile. I cared not for 'feats of strength', because I was the calm in the storm.
At least I was.
Back to being a bachelor. I have always lived with a family, by blood or by my own choosing. When I had trouble in school...what did I do? I made a 'family' of the social outcasts. (And then felt jealous when they were accepted into the view of the kids at school, while I wasn't.) When I came to West Hall, I had a family, of Roy, Ken, and Linn. Karen and Eric were like older cousins. Then my family grew and grew. Then they started fucking each other. *laughs* And fucking WITH each other, and people left the family, by choice or social outcasting.
My current 'family' got quite large. There was myself, Steve, Lee, Aaron, Bradley, Josh, Lindzie, Josh II, Muzz, Mo, and Donna. Muzz and Mo were perifiary, and Donna is kinda on her own little spot. These are the people I care about most. (Even though there are other people I care very much for, like Karleen and Sherri...but I don't have the constant family-like interaction that I do with these other people.)
Right now, things are broken up in my mind. I've LOST this connection. Even though I live with four people, and I have people come and go every day, I feel singular. I am only NOW a bachelor, because as Dustin, as the Sensei, as whatever you want to call me, I was nurturing a family.
This has been very distrubing for me, to feel this severing of this connection. Emotion is what drives me, my strength and weakness is my connection to people. With the severing of it, I feel now that damage has occured to my old pscyhe. I don't feel this warm closeness I had with people, even when they were being dicks to me. (Like Lee being a lazy bastard and mouthing off, or fending off Brad's passive-agressiveness...or Aaron's utter refusal to take responsibility for things...)
I also think that people knew I had this connection too. While I doubt that Lee or Brad would admit to it, I think that everyone knows right now, something is WRONG with me and things FEEL different.
So why is this all happening and what will it all mean?
It's happening, because I don't agree with decisions that have been made, and with things going on in the house. I've distanced myself from these behaviors I now longer wish to be associated with. I feel that, of past decisions, they were wrong on many levels, causing many people hurt, and of existing behaviors, of being self-destructive. In a way...I've disowned my 'family'...or they've disowned me, or both.
The real scary thing is, with all this singularity, this feeling of 'bachelorhood'...it doesn't feel wrong or strange. It just feels like...my other self. Believe me, when I first started to be alone, I thought I was going to die. I was dying and sufficating in my lonesomeness. I'm curious to see now, how my newly acquired bachelorhood will effect other things. I know I'll treat people differently. Perhaps sexually, I'll change as well...flip-flopping roles to a more agressive state? I'm not sure. But writing this all down, I now feel that I've come to terms to something, the something, that has been eating away at my mind for many, many years.
How can I satisfy my nature to treat human beings as people, while still satisfy my more animalistic need for physical contact and dominance?
The good news? With this severing of my feelings, it helps put me into focus. All these people who have mattered so, so much to me, are NOT my family. They have their own families, and it's not my job to fill in the gaps for all of them to be happy. For a long time, people not tied to here, have said this time and time and time again, to which I would shrug it off. No one knew I was trying to be a father, brother, teacher, and lord knows what else to everyone here. *laughs* In trying to be something, to matter, I've dug myself into this mindset, this dedication to an ideal that only I saw and believed in. I saw things in these people, and still do, that they don't themselves, and I've worked so very hard to help everyone to become the best Steve, Lee, Aaron, Bradley, Josh, Lindzie, Josh II, Muzz, Mo, and Donna that they could BE!
I'm not a sexual predator. I'm not an evil person. I'm not a manipulator. I'm not arrogant. I'm not a destructive person. I'm not a vile creature, some scum sucking ugly thing who preys on the weak of heart and will. I want people to surpass me, to be GREAT, to be their GREATEST.
I am a teacher.
I am full of love for all of these people. And deep down, I still love the people I don't talk to, the people I hate, because part of me still loves the Roys, Linns, Alieshias (wow...had to think of the spelling of that.), Joes, Matts, Alexs, Jenis, Katies, Kristas, and Meghans of the world. All of you. AND THAT IS why it tears me up when people talk mean things about me here. Because even though things went south and I want to part with it, I still love you. And even when these destructive things happened, I wanted you all to be happy and good people, even when you did sad and bad things.
*opens his arms wide and takes a bow in his mind's eye, with all of these people from his life, people who 's lives he's touched and who have touched in so many ways, clapping and cheering like the end of Evangelion* And now, I'm out! *laughs and smiles*
One thing that always struck me was how women viewed my homes. No matter what age, or relation to me, from my ex-girlfriend, my Mom, sisters of my roommates...it was always the same.
"Looks like a bunch of bachelors live here."
I always recoiled at the word and thought. I never felt like a bachelor. Ever really. But I never was really able to put it together until tonight why.
Sitting by myself, eating alone the past two nights, I was a bachelor. I had no one else to think of. It was such an...alien feeling to me. I always have been in the back of my mind, doing things for everyone around me. Until a few days ago, that is. I would cook, and clean. My conversations would be diplomatic. Even when people were outwardly hostile to me, cut me down, pick fights, hurt my feelings...I rarely would even express myself and just bottle it up inside.
Why?
Xenocide brought some of these thoughts to me and I put other pieces together myself. One thing that they speak about in the book is Men, by nature, are solitary. Men are supposed to, as Muzz and I have discussed at length, go out into the world and conquer...make a name for themselves. Make their name a proud, good thing. In Xenocide, Valentine said that for Men, they try to be agressive, and 'spread their seed' as far as they can. To do this, they show themselves to be the most worthy of mating, by being the toughest, strongest guy. Women though, while they long for this in a mate, the strongest of the pack, they also want stability, so their offspring will survive. What good is a male who just goes off banging whatever has two legs?
This really struck home for me. I always watched as pretty, smart girls went for these tough guys, got knocked up, and then were surprised when they cheated on them and offered them no stability.
In short, I don't live by that rule of wanting to 'spread my seed'. I found it repulsive. Watching it in other men, how they treat women as just a sexual object. There are different layers to it all, even guys I know who on the outside are nice, when it boils down to it, that's all they've thought of women. I'm different. I've been trying to live by the female idea, of civilization, of trying to be stabile. I cared not for 'feats of strength', because I was the calm in the storm.
At least I was.
Back to being a bachelor. I have always lived with a family, by blood or by my own choosing. When I had trouble in school...what did I do? I made a 'family' of the social outcasts. (And then felt jealous when they were accepted into the view of the kids at school, while I wasn't.) When I came to West Hall, I had a family, of Roy, Ken, and Linn. Karen and Eric were like older cousins. Then my family grew and grew. Then they started fucking each other. *laughs* And fucking WITH each other, and people left the family, by choice or social outcasting.
My current 'family' got quite large. There was myself, Steve, Lee, Aaron, Bradley, Josh, Lindzie, Josh II, Muzz, Mo, and Donna. Muzz and Mo were perifiary, and Donna is kinda on her own little spot. These are the people I care about most. (Even though there are other people I care very much for, like Karleen and Sherri...but I don't have the constant family-like interaction that I do with these other people.)
Right now, things are broken up in my mind. I've LOST this connection. Even though I live with four people, and I have people come and go every day, I feel singular. I am only NOW a bachelor, because as Dustin, as the Sensei, as whatever you want to call me, I was nurturing a family.
This has been very distrubing for me, to feel this severing of this connection. Emotion is what drives me, my strength and weakness is my connection to people. With the severing of it, I feel now that damage has occured to my old pscyhe. I don't feel this warm closeness I had with people, even when they were being dicks to me. (Like Lee being a lazy bastard and mouthing off, or fending off Brad's passive-agressiveness...or Aaron's utter refusal to take responsibility for things...)
I also think that people knew I had this connection too. While I doubt that Lee or Brad would admit to it, I think that everyone knows right now, something is WRONG with me and things FEEL different.
So why is this all happening and what will it all mean?
It's happening, because I don't agree with decisions that have been made, and with things going on in the house. I've distanced myself from these behaviors I now longer wish to be associated with. I feel that, of past decisions, they were wrong on many levels, causing many people hurt, and of existing behaviors, of being self-destructive. In a way...I've disowned my 'family'...or they've disowned me, or both.
The real scary thing is, with all this singularity, this feeling of 'bachelorhood'...it doesn't feel wrong or strange. It just feels like...my other self. Believe me, when I first started to be alone, I thought I was going to die. I was dying and sufficating in my lonesomeness. I'm curious to see now, how my newly acquired bachelorhood will effect other things. I know I'll treat people differently. Perhaps sexually, I'll change as well...flip-flopping roles to a more agressive state? I'm not sure. But writing this all down, I now feel that I've come to terms to something, the something, that has been eating away at my mind for many, many years.
How can I satisfy my nature to treat human beings as people, while still satisfy my more animalistic need for physical contact and dominance?
The good news? With this severing of my feelings, it helps put me into focus. All these people who have mattered so, so much to me, are NOT my family. They have their own families, and it's not my job to fill in the gaps for all of them to be happy. For a long time, people not tied to here, have said this time and time and time again, to which I would shrug it off. No one knew I was trying to be a father, brother, teacher, and lord knows what else to everyone here. *laughs* In trying to be something, to matter, I've dug myself into this mindset, this dedication to an ideal that only I saw and believed in. I saw things in these people, and still do, that they don't themselves, and I've worked so very hard to help everyone to become the best Steve, Lee, Aaron, Bradley, Josh, Lindzie, Josh II, Muzz, Mo, and Donna that they could BE!
I'm not a sexual predator. I'm not an evil person. I'm not a manipulator. I'm not arrogant. I'm not a destructive person. I'm not a vile creature, some scum sucking ugly thing who preys on the weak of heart and will. I want people to surpass me, to be GREAT, to be their GREATEST.
I am a teacher.
I am full of love for all of these people. And deep down, I still love the people I don't talk to, the people I hate, because part of me still loves the Roys, Linns, Alieshias (wow...had to think of the spelling of that.), Joes, Matts, Alexs, Jenis, Katies, Kristas, and Meghans of the world. All of you. AND THAT IS why it tears me up when people talk mean things about me here. Because even though things went south and I want to part with it, I still love you. And even when these destructive things happened, I wanted you all to be happy and good people, even when you did sad and bad things.
*opens his arms wide and takes a bow in his mind's eye, with all of these people from his life, people who 's lives he's touched and who have touched in so many ways, clapping and cheering like the end of Evangelion* And now, I'm out! *laughs and smiles*