I can't wait to die alone.
Yeah, you read the title of this blog correctly. I can't wait to die alone. For some people it is their greatest fear, but I do not loathe the concept like others do. I suppose it all depends on your definition of "Dying alone". I don't mean without friends or family, but without a companion whom I spent my life with intimately. I've been meaning to post this entry for a couple weeks now but it seems most relevant right now in light of events that have happened/will happen. I seriously considered changing the names of the people I intend to mention in this entry, but I decided to hell with the innocent...it's nothing personal just fact.
I dated a girl named Lianne at a time so long ago, it could almost be considered another life. I was very much attracted to her and at that age, was so excited with the concept of a "girlfriend" that she was pretty much the only thing on my mind for the brief period we dated. I think my first memory of committing what I consider to be a sin amongst all sins was because of her. I remember hanging out with Dylan in his kitchen at his mom's house right before I was about to go over to Liannes. Now because this is such a faint memory I will tell you only the little I remember about the conversation. I think it was directly after school and Dylan and I had planned to go skating. I remember telling Dylan I was going over to Liannes and his reaction(almost undetectable because Dylan never really reacted to anything back then) upon finding out I was ditching skating with him to go see some girl could best be described as him feeling as if it were "unfair." I don't know the words he used or if it was only a look, but either way I left his house feeling guilty as shit, and I believe I told him this and after I broke up with Lianne only weeks later, told him I'd never try and pull that shit again. I've done my very best to stay true to that.
Since I've moved down the California, I have made lots of friends, but lost a great deal more by distancing myself from them geographically. The two friends I do have down here that I knew BEFORE the move are Dylan(moved to HB shortly after I did) and Collin(has lived in Temecula since highschool). I can honestly say that I wasn't too fazed by leaving Oregon because Dylan and Collin are my two best friends whom I've known longer than anyone. Basically this is where my frustration starts and I'll try to wrap it up quick...you've had enough background story.
Since the end of the last schoolyear I've seen Dylan less than a dozen times. He went to HB on vacation almost immediately after school and when he got back I moved to LA(he stayed in LO for a month before coming down). Since he's been down here I've chilled with him approximately four times. It's not his fault that I haven't seen him much, we are both busy.
I used to see Collin once a year at best when I started highschool, and continued that way until I moved down here. Since being down here, I have seen him twice. It's not his fault the few times I've seen him, we are both busy.
Two days ago Dylan drove up from HB and skated with me for a few hours. He didn't have to work until the afternoon the next day, and I didn't work till even later, but upon receiving the invitation to crash at my place and skate early the next day, he decline because "Michelle wants me home tonight."
Tomorrow I am going to see Collin for the first time in a month or so and I can only hang out until tuesday around 1:00 because his girlfriend Lauren gets off work and he has to hang out with her.
Dylan currently LIVES with his girlfriend. Collin is in essentially the exact same situation(they live in different places but are both together at one place or the other at any given time.) They wake up every morning and see these girls everyday, but I however, can't get more than an hour here or there to hang out with my best friends. Now I know for a fact that Dylan reads my Livejournal and at this point I don't want him to take this personally, but that's fucked up and you know it. Collin, you too dude, that's fucked up and you know it. I say they know it because I can hear it in their voices when they tell me they can't hang out. Collin, when I hung out with him after moving down here, got into a rather large fight with his girlfriend because he's spending to much time chillin with me(this was when I first got down here and the first time I'd seen him in a year and a half). He confessed to me that he knew that was bullshit and he isn't going to apologize to her...but tuesday he's ditching me for her again. I know both Lauren and Michelle and I like them both, but they should know what's going on is wrong. I've lost my two best friends to what have now become two "acquaintances"
There's a difference between ditching your friend for a girl, and ditching your best friend on the rare occasion you see him because you live hours away due to the fact that your girlfriend "wants you home for some reason."
This is the reason I can't wait to die alone. I've been in the same exact type of relationships that both of them are in right now, and I love it. I will miss it terribly if I never find another girl whom I truly care about like that, but at least I'll know I've never screwed the ones closest to me for someone that I see all the time. I suppose I don't want to die alone really, but so be it if every girl I met wanted to turn me into what Dylan and Collin are. I'll die alone if it means staying true to my friends.
I dated a girl named Lianne at a time so long ago, it could almost be considered another life. I was very much attracted to her and at that age, was so excited with the concept of a "girlfriend" that she was pretty much the only thing on my mind for the brief period we dated. I think my first memory of committing what I consider to be a sin amongst all sins was because of her. I remember hanging out with Dylan in his kitchen at his mom's house right before I was about to go over to Liannes. Now because this is such a faint memory I will tell you only the little I remember about the conversation. I think it was directly after school and Dylan and I had planned to go skating. I remember telling Dylan I was going over to Liannes and his reaction(almost undetectable because Dylan never really reacted to anything back then) upon finding out I was ditching skating with him to go see some girl could best be described as him feeling as if it were "unfair." I don't know the words he used or if it was only a look, but either way I left his house feeling guilty as shit, and I believe I told him this and after I broke up with Lianne only weeks later, told him I'd never try and pull that shit again. I've done my very best to stay true to that.
Since I've moved down the California, I have made lots of friends, but lost a great deal more by distancing myself from them geographically. The two friends I do have down here that I knew BEFORE the move are Dylan(moved to HB shortly after I did) and Collin(has lived in Temecula since highschool). I can honestly say that I wasn't too fazed by leaving Oregon because Dylan and Collin are my two best friends whom I've known longer than anyone. Basically this is where my frustration starts and I'll try to wrap it up quick...you've had enough background story.
Since the end of the last schoolyear I've seen Dylan less than a dozen times. He went to HB on vacation almost immediately after school and when he got back I moved to LA(he stayed in LO for a month before coming down). Since he's been down here I've chilled with him approximately four times. It's not his fault that I haven't seen him much, we are both busy.
I used to see Collin once a year at best when I started highschool, and continued that way until I moved down here. Since being down here, I have seen him twice. It's not his fault the few times I've seen him, we are both busy.
Two days ago Dylan drove up from HB and skated with me for a few hours. He didn't have to work until the afternoon the next day, and I didn't work till even later, but upon receiving the invitation to crash at my place and skate early the next day, he decline because "Michelle wants me home tonight."
Tomorrow I am going to see Collin for the first time in a month or so and I can only hang out until tuesday around 1:00 because his girlfriend Lauren gets off work and he has to hang out with her.
Dylan currently LIVES with his girlfriend. Collin is in essentially the exact same situation(they live in different places but are both together at one place or the other at any given time.) They wake up every morning and see these girls everyday, but I however, can't get more than an hour here or there to hang out with my best friends. Now I know for a fact that Dylan reads my Livejournal and at this point I don't want him to take this personally, but that's fucked up and you know it. Collin, you too dude, that's fucked up and you know it. I say they know it because I can hear it in their voices when they tell me they can't hang out. Collin, when I hung out with him after moving down here, got into a rather large fight with his girlfriend because he's spending to much time chillin with me(this was when I first got down here and the first time I'd seen him in a year and a half). He confessed to me that he knew that was bullshit and he isn't going to apologize to her...but tuesday he's ditching me for her again. I know both Lauren and Michelle and I like them both, but they should know what's going on is wrong. I've lost my two best friends to what have now become two "acquaintances"
There's a difference between ditching your friend for a girl, and ditching your best friend on the rare occasion you see him because you live hours away due to the fact that your girlfriend "wants you home for some reason."
This is the reason I can't wait to die alone. I've been in the same exact type of relationships that both of them are in right now, and I love it. I will miss it terribly if I never find another girl whom I truly care about like that, but at least I'll know I've never screwed the ones closest to me for someone that I see all the time. I suppose I don't want to die alone really, but so be it if every girl I met wanted to turn me into what Dylan and Collin are. I'll die alone if it means staying true to my friends.