In which I write 1280 words of writerly meta when I could have just written porn
So, I was going to post this earlier tonight, but then BRADLEY AND COLIN'S EPIC DATE NIGHT happened, and somehow I didn't get around to it. SHOCKING, I KNOW.
Anyway,
wldcatsprstr_14 and I were talking earlier, and apparently we both have this same problem of having our writing muses freeze up in terror whenever we start to worry that what we write isn't going to live up to people's expectations, and I wanted to open a dialogue about that and see what other people have to say.
For a while now, I've had something of a mind-numbing, paralyzing, crippling fear at the thought of posting fic. Ironically, it all started when I wrote something that was actually popular. Two years ago, I wrote Two Weeks Notice, which was more popular than anything I'd ever written and it got a fantastic response from fandom and that made me SO RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. But it's also when everything started to fall apart.
I have been writing slash fic for 5 years. In the first 3 years of my slash writing, I wrote and posted 40 stories. In the two years since I posted Two Weeks Notice, I have written and posted FOUR stories. FOUR. (And one of them is an unfinished WIP, so it doesn't technically count as a full story.)
The problem is that Two Weeks Notice was SO popular that I felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to continue to produce fic like that, and I knew that wasn't possible. I'm going to be blunt here: I'm not that good. I'm not bad, but I'm not BNF level by a long shot. The recognition I got from Two Weeks Notice made me a bit of a mini-BNF at the time, and I felt that with that came an expectation to continue writing at that level, and I got performance anxiety. Thus, the paralyzing fear was born. It completely crippled my desire to write, and even though I've been writing since then, I've had an incredibly difficult time forcing myself to actually finish anything, let alone to feel like it's good enough to be posted.
The thing about Two Weeks Notice is that I have never had so much fun writing a fic IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I was a shiny ball of happiness the ENTIRE time I was writing that fic. It was the single most SHAMELESSLY SELF-INDULGENT thing I'd ever written, and I loved every minute of it! I remember thinking at the time that there was no way anyone else would enjoy it half as much as I did, but I DIDN'T CARE. I was writing it to make myself happy, and ironically, I think that's why so many people liked it! I think the fun I had with it showed through, and that's what made it so popular.
And as much as I loved that fic, it's sort of become this thing looming in the back of my mind, saying I've already peaked and I'll never post anything that successful again, so why bother? I can't even bring myself to go back and read it, because I'm afraid if I have it fresh in my mind it will just make whatever I'm currently writing seem dim by comparison.
So now I've got the perpetual fear that I'll never measure up, that I'll disappoint my "audience" (if I can even still claim to have any followers after two years of a complete lack of productivity) and it's killing my desire to write. And I know it's all in my head, because I've always been an overachiever with a fear of failure, so I know that's a major contributing factor here. But I feel like writing just isn't fun anymore, because I feel like there's this level of expectation associated with anything I write. I've got two epic WIPs that I LOVE in the works right now: one that I've been working on for a year and is at 56K words, and one that I've been working on for two years that is at 67K words. The problem is that the more I work on them, the more I feel like they're just not good enough and I shouldn't bother because I'll have pored all this time and effort in and nobody will read it, but I'm sick of thinking that way! I want to silence that little voice in my head that keeps worrying how people will judge what I write and go back to writing for MYSELF. I want to ENJOY writing again, without this constant mantra of "Will they like it?" running in the back of my mind. How do I get back to writing shamelessly self-indulgent fic and enjoying it, instead of worrying that I'll be the only one who likes it? Because the entire reason I write fanfic is for the enjoyment of it! I think I should enjoy what I write more than anyone else! If I'm not getting that joy anymore, what's the point?
I know I need to make peace with my level of talent, to stop expecting myself to write another "instant hit". I need to accept that I am, more or less, a "one hit wonder" and the sooner I can just be happy with that, the sooner I can get over this whole damn mental block and get back to having fun. I'm not trying to put myself down or anything, but I recognize that there are writers out there on an entirely different level and I need to stop using my one moment of being close to that level as the gauge with which to judge everything else I write.
I think, probably, that this is a problem that, in some form, affects all writers to a certain degree, no matter the skill level or amount of experience. So my question is how have you dealt with things like this before? Are you still dealing with them? How have you taught yourself to write for yourself and shut out that little doubting voice in your head? How have you kept yourself from becoming your own harshest critic? How did you learn to stop worrying and "love the bomb" so to speak?
I realize this is a discussion that could require an uncomfortable level of candor on some people's part, so I've enabled anonymous commenting. I think this is an important topic and I'm sure a lot of people have opinions about it, so I'd like for everyone to be able to share their thoughts freely, and I think anonymity makes that easier, but obviously if you'd rather not comment anonymously that's fine, too. Or if you'd rather not say anything publicly, feel free to PM me as well. And while I normally would welcome reassurances that people like my writing or that I'm better than I think or other such morale-boosting comments, I'm afraid that might turn this whole thing into my personal pity party and that's not what I'm hoping to accomplish here. I'd love to hear some real techniques and experiences people have had dealing with the doubts or expectations they've faced their own writing. I know everyone has to find their own way of dealing with fannish insecurities, but I've been in this rut for the last two years and I'm honestly at a loss for how to even begin to get out of it. I'm hoping that opening a discussion might help me at least get an idea for where to start.
Thanks in advance to everyone who posts their thoughts, I appreciate everyone's feedback, and hopefully this advice will help more than just me! ♥
This entry was originally posted at http://ras-elased.dreamwidth.org/283631.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
Anyway,
wldcatsprstr_14 and I were talking earlier, and apparently we both have this same problem of having our writing muses freeze up in terror whenever we start to worry that what we write isn't going to live up to people's expectations, and I wanted to open a dialogue about that and see what other people have to say.
For a while now, I've had something of a mind-numbing, paralyzing, crippling fear at the thought of posting fic. Ironically, it all started when I wrote something that was actually popular. Two years ago, I wrote Two Weeks Notice, which was more popular than anything I'd ever written and it got a fantastic response from fandom and that made me SO RIDICULOUSLY HAPPY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. But it's also when everything started to fall apart.
I have been writing slash fic for 5 years. In the first 3 years of my slash writing, I wrote and posted 40 stories. In the two years since I posted Two Weeks Notice, I have written and posted FOUR stories. FOUR. (And one of them is an unfinished WIP, so it doesn't technically count as a full story.)
The problem is that Two Weeks Notice was SO popular that I felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to continue to produce fic like that, and I knew that wasn't possible. I'm going to be blunt here: I'm not that good. I'm not bad, but I'm not BNF level by a long shot. The recognition I got from Two Weeks Notice made me a bit of a mini-BNF at the time, and I felt that with that came an expectation to continue writing at that level, and I got performance anxiety. Thus, the paralyzing fear was born. It completely crippled my desire to write, and even though I've been writing since then, I've had an incredibly difficult time forcing myself to actually finish anything, let alone to feel like it's good enough to be posted.
The thing about Two Weeks Notice is that I have never had so much fun writing a fic IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. I was a shiny ball of happiness the ENTIRE time I was writing that fic. It was the single most SHAMELESSLY SELF-INDULGENT thing I'd ever written, and I loved every minute of it! I remember thinking at the time that there was no way anyone else would enjoy it half as much as I did, but I DIDN'T CARE. I was writing it to make myself happy, and ironically, I think that's why so many people liked it! I think the fun I had with it showed through, and that's what made it so popular.
And as much as I loved that fic, it's sort of become this thing looming in the back of my mind, saying I've already peaked and I'll never post anything that successful again, so why bother? I can't even bring myself to go back and read it, because I'm afraid if I have it fresh in my mind it will just make whatever I'm currently writing seem dim by comparison.
So now I've got the perpetual fear that I'll never measure up, that I'll disappoint my "audience" (if I can even still claim to have any followers after two years of a complete lack of productivity) and it's killing my desire to write. And I know it's all in my head, because I've always been an overachiever with a fear of failure, so I know that's a major contributing factor here. But I feel like writing just isn't fun anymore, because I feel like there's this level of expectation associated with anything I write. I've got two epic WIPs that I LOVE in the works right now: one that I've been working on for a year and is at 56K words, and one that I've been working on for two years that is at 67K words. The problem is that the more I work on them, the more I feel like they're just not good enough and I shouldn't bother because I'll have pored all this time and effort in and nobody will read it, but I'm sick of thinking that way! I want to silence that little voice in my head that keeps worrying how people will judge what I write and go back to writing for MYSELF. I want to ENJOY writing again, without this constant mantra of "Will they like it?" running in the back of my mind. How do I get back to writing shamelessly self-indulgent fic and enjoying it, instead of worrying that I'll be the only one who likes it? Because the entire reason I write fanfic is for the enjoyment of it! I think I should enjoy what I write more than anyone else! If I'm not getting that joy anymore, what's the point?
I know I need to make peace with my level of talent, to stop expecting myself to write another "instant hit". I need to accept that I am, more or less, a "one hit wonder" and the sooner I can just be happy with that, the sooner I can get over this whole damn mental block and get back to having fun. I'm not trying to put myself down or anything, but I recognize that there are writers out there on an entirely different level and I need to stop using my one moment of being close to that level as the gauge with which to judge everything else I write.
I think, probably, that this is a problem that, in some form, affects all writers to a certain degree, no matter the skill level or amount of experience. So my question is how have you dealt with things like this before? Are you still dealing with them? How have you taught yourself to write for yourself and shut out that little doubting voice in your head? How have you kept yourself from becoming your own harshest critic? How did you learn to stop worrying and "love the bomb" so to speak?
I realize this is a discussion that could require an uncomfortable level of candor on some people's part, so I've enabled anonymous commenting. I think this is an important topic and I'm sure a lot of people have opinions about it, so I'd like for everyone to be able to share their thoughts freely, and I think anonymity makes that easier, but obviously if you'd rather not comment anonymously that's fine, too. Or if you'd rather not say anything publicly, feel free to PM me as well. And while I normally would welcome reassurances that people like my writing or that I'm better than I think or other such morale-boosting comments, I'm afraid that might turn this whole thing into my personal pity party and that's not what I'm hoping to accomplish here. I'd love to hear some real techniques and experiences people have had dealing with the doubts or expectations they've faced their own writing. I know everyone has to find their own way of dealing with fannish insecurities, but I've been in this rut for the last two years and I'm honestly at a loss for how to even begin to get out of it. I'm hoping that opening a discussion might help me at least get an idea for where to start.
Thanks in advance to everyone who posts their thoughts, I appreciate everyone's feedback, and hopefully this advice will help more than just me! ♥
This entry was originally posted at http://ras-elased.dreamwidth.org/283631.html. Please comment there using OpenID.