Can't Forget You
POV: Onew's
Pairing: OnKey
Genre: attempted!angst, slight!romance
Length: one-shot
Warning: Three uses of cursing. XD (And sexily angry Onew alert. ~grins evilly~)
Summary: Onew's mulling over his break-up with Key. What happens when Key finally sees Onew's pain? (I fail at summaries. T^T)
Disclaimer: Trust me, if I owned these boys, don't you think OnKey and 2Min would be real by now? (Actually, no one would probably ever see them again. XD ~gets bricked~)
~*~
I see you two together all the time. The only thing that comes to my mind is, Why him? Why couldn’t it have been me? What about all those times we had? Were they not enough to keep you happy? I thought we were doing just fine. Why..? Why did you suddenly change you’re mind? Do you really only see him?
Kibum…
I remember that day. It’s still so clear and fresh in my mind- as if it happened just yesterday. You came in with him, smiling and laughing and looking like you were in complete bliss. Why weren’t you ever that way with me? Did I bore you? Why were you ever with me, then?
How could you let what we once had vanish into thin air; no traces, not anything? There was a time when we loved each other.
Correction. There was a time when you loved me. I’ve never stopped loving you. Every second I see you- mostly with him- my heart continues breaking, even though there’s nothing there to break now. Can’t you see? I’m dying, Kibum. The one person I love most has caused me so much pain that it feels like I could die at any moment. Are you happy about that? Is that what you’re happy about all the time?
I hate you for doing this to me. I’ve turned into a monster with no more emotions left in this dying body. And it’s all your fault.
I see Taemin-ah and Minho-ah; always so close and always cuddling each other. I’m happy for them, but at the same time I envy them because it only reminds me of how close you and I used to be. Sitting back and thinking about it, I have to wonder if you really even felt anything for me… like you said you did.
You come into the dorm with him; hanging all over him and notice that I’m in the room, sitting on the couch and gazing at both of you with the most heart-wrenching expression. You stop playing around with him and that beautiful, boyish smile of yours quickly fades.
I get up and leave the room. I don’t want to be in the same room as the two of you. I don’t need to see that concerned look on your face because I know it’ll haunt me and keep me awake at night. I don’t need anymore sleepless nights, wondering what you’re doing and if it has anything to do with him. I’ve already become an insomniac.
I don’t need to see you two being a couple in front of me. It’s bad enough that I know about it.
“Jinki, wait!” you call out.
I’m right outside my room by this point and stop to glance over at you out of the corner of my eye. You’ve let go of his hand and actually left his side to take only three baby steps towards me. Kibum, you’ve become heartless.
We both don’t have hearts. So why aren’t you dying as well? Is it because he has your heart? That same functioning organ that- metaphorically- used to belong to me and only me. Now it belongs to him, right? He can go ahead and have it for all I care. If you’re going to play games with me, then at least I won’t have to worry about breaking your heart in return.
The thing is… I don’t mean that. I do care. You’re heart is too beautiful and pure to be treated that way and the only person who can see that- the only person who would take extra good care of it- is me. But you threw me away without thinking.
After a few seconds of staring at each other- actually, you’re staring; I’m glowering- I resume to entering my room when you stop me again. I growl and rigidly turn to face you. Haven’t you hurt me enough? Now we have to talk and be in the same room as each other? I can’t take this anymore!
“I can’t take this anymore!” I exclaim, repeating my thoughts and throwing my hands in the air in frustration. You’re taken aback and he sneaks out the door. Good riddance. Even though, deep down I knew he was just giving us privacy to talk it out. “What more do you want with me, Kibum? You’ve already broken my heart and left me to die! What else could you possibly want to do to me? Whatever it is, I’m not going to stand here and listen to it.” I pause and stand there longer than I should have to regain my breath and the willpower to move.
You stand in your spot as well, shell-shocked. You’re mouth is agape and your hands are shaking. Have I scared you?
“Jinki, I-” You choke on your words and clear your throat to try again.
Oh, right. I forgot that you haven’t seen me since we broke up, so there’s no way you would’ve had any idea as to how I’m feeling. Meaning, I just surprised you with my outburst.
“Jinki…” you start again, hesitant.
“There’s nothing for you to explain. Here’s exactly what happened: You messed with my head and pretended to love me, and then a year later you decided to dump me for him. I may not be the quickest person in the world to catch on to things, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m stupid. And don’t tell me you’re sorry because that’s not going to magically heal the hole in my chest. Please, just don’t even waste your breath with me. I don’t even know why I’m wasting mine on you.” I sighed and walked into my room, leaving a very flustered Kibum right outside and shutting my door in his face. It hurt me to act this way towards him, it hurt me to say those things to him, and it hurt me to walk away from him. But I was a little relieved to finally get that all out of my system.
As soon as I fall back on my bed, my door is flung open and in barges Kibum, slamming the door behind him and locking it. “Who the hell are you to take that away from me?” he yells.
“What?” I questioned irritably. I thought my words and actions made it clear that I was done with him. Did I need to spell it out?
“How was I supposed to know you were in this state when all you did after we broke up was avoid me?” he asked back.
“Well, there’s your first hint,” I retorted sarcastically and sat up; one leg hanging off the bed and the other still stretched out on top of it.
“Don’t use that tone with me, Lee Jinki,” he snapped. “Not when I’m so furious with you at the moment.”
That’s when my ranting started. “You think you’re furious? Who broke up with you, huh? Who stomped all over your heart to the point that you don’t think it can ever be repaired? Try having to deal with these real feelings of love and watch that special person flaunt around in front of you with his new boyfriend. It’s not easy. You moved on so soon… You broke up with me when I’m still in love with you! Was everything we had together just garbage to you? That’s what it feels like.
“Do you even understand the pain I’m in? Oh, of course you don’t. I almost forgot that I’ve been avoiding you all this time because of that. It hurts every time I see you with him. It hurts knowing that I can’t be the one to make you happy like that. You were never that way with me. Were you honestly just pretending back then? Did you think it was fun to toy with my feelings like that?
“Despite everything, I still love you, Kibum.” That earned a faint intake of breath from the younger boy. “But I hate you for what you’ve put me through.” I sighed and closed my eyes. “You don’t have to worry about me wanting you back. Even through all of this, I love you… but I definitely don’t want to be with you again. Not after the way you’ve treated me. Now, could you please leave me alone for the rest of the time that we know each other?” I waved dismissively at him and lied back down on my bed.
When I didn’t hear my door going through the process of being unlocked, opened, and finally being closed, I sat up and opened my eyes to be greeted by a hand to my cheek. I winced back at the stinging sensation and pressed my left hand to the corresponding slapped cheek. I glared up at Kibum, who was still in the after-pose when someone slaps someone else. He was panting heavily- as if he’d been running for miles- and… Were those tears I saw? What did he have to cry about? I let him have it! I gave him what he deserved, so we should be going our own ways now. What’s wrong with him?
“What the hell was that for?” I demanded.
He stared at me long and hard with cold eyes. Finally, he straightened his posture and put his hand back to its side. “How dare you accuse me of never loving you? How dare you imply that I didn’t enjoy being with you?"
“How dare I?! How dare you for throwing away everything we had together!” I spat. “If you enjoyed being with me, then why did you dump me? Do you think it’s fun to tell someone you love them, waste a year of their life with you, and just dump them when you’re tired of them? That’s pretty damn cruel.”
“No, it’s not like that at all!” His tears were still flowing. “You want to know the truth?”
“That would certainly be helpful,” I jeered. I was standing now and had my hands on my hips.
Kibum inhaled deeply to calm himself and the tears stopped, only leaving their trail of stains. “I was scared,” he answered resolutely.
We kept our eyes fixed on each other; searching. That’s when it hit me. “You… You’re afraid of commitment.” It wasn’t a question. I could see it clear in his feline eyes.
He let out a shaky breath that he probably didn’t know he’d been holding and slowly nodded his head once. “Yes.”
“Why?”
“Jinki there’s no questioning it. I just am."
“Then why are you with him?” I inquired.
His eyes were downcast now. “I thought… if I was with someone else, I could forget about you. I was scared of going any further in our relationship, so I had to break up with you. I didn’t want to drag you down. But I really did love you, Jinki.” He paused and looked up a little shyly. “I still do,” he confessed in a small voice.
I gaped at him, shocked. If he still loved me, then what did he have to be afraid of? If he still loved me, what was he doing with him? If he still loved me, then he didn’t have to break up with me. He continued since I wasn’t talking.
“I swear, that’s the only reason why Jonghyun-hyung and I are together. And he knows that too.” I stopped him there.
“Wait, he knows?” I started getting angry again.
“Yeah…” he replied. I could tell he was wondering what was wrong with that.
“Kibum, you’re just messing with his feelings!” I shouted, startling him. I was no longer feeling any hatred and jealousy towards Jonghyun. He was an innocent victim in all of this. “You know how much he likes you. You know, and you’re going to sacrifice that to get over your feelings for me? That’s really selfish, Kibum.”
“Selfish?” he sneered.
“Yes. Selfish. Geez, you don’t get it, do you?” He frowned at that and folded his arms over his chest. “Is your one goal in life to break the hearts of everyone who loves you so that you can be satisfied with how you feel? You broke up with me, when you still love me, because you were afraid of the commitment. Then you decided to start going out with Jonghyun- who, by the way, you knew likes you- and told him it was only because you wanted to get over your feelings for me. And on top of all that, you could care less what that’s doing to us! Face it, Kibum. You like playing with hearts, don’t you?”
Now, he wore a hurt look on his face and dropped his hands to their respective sides. I saw the slightest bit of realization in his eyes. He frowned again. “Alright. So maybe I have been selfish,” he admitted. “But didn’t you stop to think that maybe it’s working and Jonghyun-hyung and I are in love?”
“Okay. Is it working?” I challenged. I copied his actions from before by folding my arms over my chest.
He tensed. I could tell his answer was going to be truthful and he was reluctant to confirm my suspicions. “Not at all,” he gritted through his teeth. “And I don’t love him. What we have is hardly anything. It’s nothing compared to what you and I had.”
“But you looked so much happier with him,” I stated sadly.
He smirked. “You need to get your eyes checked. That’s all fake. I act that way so he doesn’t feel like he’s not being a good boyfriend. What I really feel is regret, guilt, and sorrow.”
I scoffed. “Maybe my broken heart has blinded my judgment. Kibum, if that’s what you’re feeling, then make everything right. Stop stringing Jonghyun along like a puppet and live with that regret.”
“So you’re really not going to take me back?”
My arms fell limp to my sides and I froze. I didn’t want to go through this again. I couldn’t trust him anymore. Maybe… “It will take a very long time for me to be able to trust you again and forgive you for all the pain you caused me. We would have to take everything very slowly,” I told him solemnly.
“Does that mean…”
“Trust me, Kibum, I really want to. I guess this is the first step to forgiveness.” I quirked a smile and he beamed back at me. “But you have to break up with Jonghyun first. I don’t date cheaters.”
He took the joke lightly and rolled his eyes. “Fine, I will.” He started for the door and stopped. I raised an eyebrow at him quizzically. “I don’t know if it’s too late to apologize for all those things, but… I want to try… I want to get over this fear I have and be with you. I want to fix everything I’ve destroyed.” I knew he was referring to my heart with that last statement.
Uncertain, I stepped forward and wrapped him in a tight embrace, my hands resting on his left shoulder. Subconsciously, I smelled his hair. It held the same scent it always had and it cleared my mind. “I’ll help you,” I murmured. “I guess that no matter how much you hurt me, you’ll still always have me. It’s a contradictory in and of itself, but it’s true.”
I placed a soft kiss at the nape of his neck and heard a sharp intake of breath, followed by a few whimpers. He was crying again. This time, I think it’s because he was repenting. But I think he was also touched because his next action made me feel like my words had all been worth it.
He turned around, flung his arms around my neck, and began kissing me as if we’d never see each other again. I didn’t resist. I kissed back with as much force as possible and squeezed him closer to me; our bodies creating no space between us. After what felt like hours, we pulled away- breathing hard. We peered into each other’s eyes and found the same emotions: relief and bliss.
“I love you, Jinki,” he said.
“I love you too, Kibum,” I breathed.
From now on, we were going to be together. I didn’t think I’d be able to take him back so soon. I didn’t think I’d be able to take him back at all. But I’m happy to have him back in my life and I don’t want to go through that ever again. To be honest, I’d tried to forget him too; tried to forget everything. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do.
“You know what I learned through all of this?” he asked.
“What’s that?”
“No matter how hard I try, I can’t forget you. And I hope I never do. Because I want to remember you and everything we are together for as long as I live.” He smiled and winked.
I chuckled at the cheesiness. “You read my mind.”
Even now, we’re still together and that won’t change any time soon.
~*~
A/N: HIYA!!! ^^ I'm somewhat new and this is the first fic I (finally) decided to post. I didn't think the first fic I'd pos would be a SHINee fic, but look where we are! XD (Sorry, I'm one of those crazy authors.) Anywho~ Please go easy on me. It's not the first fic I've written, but it's the first time I've posted this one. I appreciate constructive criticism. Let me know if there's something that should be fixed/changed and I'll contemplate on that. ;) Also, sorry if the colored print is distracting. Just wanted to try it once. ^^;
I hope everyone who reads this enjoys it! :D