For lemonsnapples
Hey, darling. I'm finally done reading, sorry it took so long.
Sometimes, my mind wonders.
My mind wonders about the endless possibilities of what this world could become, the ways that life could be. What if all magical creatures had equal rights? What if we could redeem the evil, instead of punishing them? I realize that it’s foolish to dream such impossible dreams, but I wonder nonetheless.
After Harry died in his quest to kill Voldemort (which succeeded, of course), the world tried to amend everything. It wanted to go back to the old days-the days without constant terror; the world without so many broken buildings and rotten bodies; the world without Voldemort. The world without Death Eaters. Without Harry Potter, even. Harry was a constant reminder of the Dark Lord for some, while others tried to console their loss of the boy’s death by pretending that he never existed in the first place.
Even though I was one of his best friends, sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like without him, too. I regret ever wondering about it, though.
Ron, the rest of the Weasley family, Tonks, Moody, Professor Lupin (why do I still call him Professor?), Seamus, my family, Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape (the traitor), and almost everybody I used to know died too. They all died. Except for that one bloody wizard.
Draco Malfoy.
The coward, after everything that happened, somehow managed to survive.
After all my friends-people better than him-have died, he survived. Even though he’s the coward who used to call me a Mudblood, the coward who couldn’t hit me back, the coward who couldn’t kill Dumbledore.
I hate him for that. If he had killed Dumbledore, I would have been able to properly place him into the “evil” category, instead of seeing so much grey in him. As if he has some good in him. I don’t believe that.
No, not after I allowed all my friends die for my naiveté; not after I’ve trusted a random bloke and gave all Order information to him, and the bloke turned out to be a spy for the Death Eaters. No way.
The world is too black and white to believe in that rubbish.
So one day, I decided to visit him in Azkaban and maniacally laugh at him. I’ve slapped the coward, I’ve jarred an Animagus for spreading lies, and I’ve had a Professor attacked by Centaurs before. My friends would have liked it. They would have cheered me on, because I would have done something right-because I had finally stopped being so naïve to see the world in black and white; because that’s the way the world really is. I’m white and they’re black, and white should always humiliate the black. I know that my friends would back me up on this decision, if they were still alive.
I grabbed my dusty wand (I haven’t used it in a while), went to Azkaban, and demanded to see Draco Malfoy. They knew who I was, and followed my command without question. A guard took me through the grimy floor and concrete walls (these people didn’t deserve to see anything magic) to the coward. We finally arrived, and I recognized the trademark icy-blonde hair.
But when I saw him in entirety, I was shocked.
No longer was his back ramrod straight with pride and arrogance-- he was curled into a fetus position. No longer was his expression smirking like he had so many times, but scrunched in fear, his eyes wide and full of terror. Although a part of me was pleased with this sight, the other part of me wanted to just hold him and nurse him back to health. A part of me still believed that there was good in him, that he could be redeemed; the one that reminded me that he didn’t kill Dumbledore. That he didn’t hit me back .
I had to do something.
In the end, I ended up saving him.
I pulled a few strings and had him pulled out of Azkaban on the ground that he was never a full Death Eater, and that he had never actually killed Dumbledore. “He loved his parents,” I said, “and his master threatened to kill his parents if he did not fill his task. He doesn’t deserve to be in Azkaban.”
Although he was shocked that I had done such a thing, and had wildly protested (“I’m a proud Malfoy, I won’t be saved by a Mudblood!”), we managed to become something like friends after a while. We were the only ones who knew each other before the war, after all.
“I wonder what would have happened if I never knew you,” I blurted out one day.
“I don’t know, Granger, do entertain me,” he drawled.
“I think that I would have become an empty-hearted pessimist,” I replied. “I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you.”
He stared at me, shocked by my reply. His cheeks were slightly pink, and his eyebrows were high on his forehead. He remained silent, however, just sighed and grabbed my hand.
“And I would have been rotting away in Azkaban,” he murmured, “thanks.”
I smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”
“No more fluffy sentiments for today, all right, Granger? I’ve lowered myself enough to actually become friends with you, you know,” he said, his eyes on the floor and his pink getting a shade darker.
“Whatever you say, Malfoy.”
I wonder what my life would have been like without Harry, Ron, or all the people that I knew.
I wonder what the world would be like if the War never happened.
I wonder-I really wonder-what kind of person I would be if I never knew Draco Malfoy.
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Ok, well, most of the grammar was good, just some mix-ups between past and present, although I'm not sure what tense you were writing in? Most of Hermione's thoughts are past tense, but are her actions present? You used present tense for some of her actions, but then referred to one incident as past, so I'm not sure...I left it as is because I wasn't sure what to do with it.
As for the feedback, I'm going to be brutally honest, so plz don't throw any rotten fruits, veggies or bio-degradable goods of any kind.
Let's see. Overall, it's a good piece of writing. I liked your use of repetition, although at times, it got to be a little too much. The intro was beautiful-- very subtle, imaginative and tranquil--you really got into her mindset. I think one thing that was a bit problematic was the flow of the piece. I felt like it went from her calling him a coward to suddenly her setting him free. You kind of switched gears there by first talking about Harry and the 'noble cause', then to bashing Draco for his cowardly actions during the war and hinting at betrayal, then to laughing at him 'manically', then to saying that her friends would approve and then to her seeing him and her sudden pity for him. The transitions can be played up a bit here. You start off the writing very slowly, so it follows that the rest of the piece should keep the mood of the intro imo. Also, there's a bit of a contradiction going on between the beginning and end.
Early on, you establish: "I hate him for that. If he had killed Dumbledore, I would have been able to properly place him into the “evil” category, instead of seeing so much grey in him. As if he has some good in him. I don’t believe that."
Then, there is later on: "Although a part of me was pleased with this sight, the other part of me wanted to just hold him and nurse him back to health. A part of me still believed that there was good in him, that he could be redeemed; the one that reminded me that he didn’t kill Dumbledore. "
It's a bit confusing mostly because you're switching from present to past and vice versa, but there almost seems to be three tenses at work here. The past tense where you talk about the war and what's happened and her mindset, then there's another past tense, where she's already saved him from prison, then there's the present, where they are talking towards the end? Is that right? If I'm way off here, plz say so. If this is the case though, maybe you want to stick to two tenses? Hermione's thoughts can be set to both past and present, depending on the situation. And you can keep the 'saving Draco from prison' in present. That might work better.
God, that all sounds so complicated, doesn't it? I hate tenses, which is why I mostly stay away from them. I always get mixed up, lol.
BTW I love Draco. He's so in character, especially the “No more fluffy sentiments for today, all right, Granger? I’ve lowered myself enough to actually become friends with you, you know,” he said, his eyes on the floor and his pink getting a shade darker." *squee*
So yeah.
Sometimes, my mind wonders.
My mind wonders about the endless possibilities of what this world could become, the ways that life could be. What if all magical creatures had equal rights? What if we could redeem the evil, instead of punishing them? I realize that it’s foolish to dream such impossible dreams, but I wonder nonetheless.
After Harry died in his quest to kill Voldemort (which succeeded, of course), the world tried to amend everything. It wanted to go back to the old days-the days without constant terror; the world without so many broken buildings and rotten bodies; the world without Voldemort. The world without Death Eaters. Without Harry Potter, even. Harry was a constant reminder of the Dark Lord for some, while others tried to console their loss of the boy’s death by pretending that he never existed in the first place.
Even though I was one of his best friends, sometimes I wonder what my life would have been like without him, too. I regret ever wondering about it, though.
Ron, the rest of the Weasley family, Tonks, Moody, Professor Lupin (why do I still call him Professor?), Seamus, my family, Professor McGonagall, Professor Snape (the traitor), and almost everybody I used to know died too. They all died. Except for that one bloody wizard.
Draco Malfoy.
The coward, after everything that happened, somehow managed to survive.
After all my friends-people better than him-have died, he survived. Even though he’s the coward who used to call me a Mudblood, the coward who couldn’t hit me back, the coward who couldn’t kill Dumbledore.
I hate him for that. If he had killed Dumbledore, I would have been able to properly place him into the “evil” category, instead of seeing so much grey in him. As if he has some good in him. I don’t believe that.
No, not after I allowed all my friends die for my naiveté; not after I’ve trusted a random bloke and gave all Order information to him, and the bloke turned out to be a spy for the Death Eaters. No way.
The world is too black and white to believe in that rubbish.
So one day, I decided to visit him in Azkaban and maniacally laugh at him. I’ve slapped the coward, I’ve jarred an Animagus for spreading lies, and I’ve had a Professor attacked by Centaurs before. My friends would have liked it. They would have cheered me on, because I would have done something right-because I had finally stopped being so naïve to see the world in black and white; because that’s the way the world really is. I’m white and they’re black, and white should always humiliate the black. I know that my friends would back me up on this decision, if they were still alive.
I grabbed my dusty wand (I haven’t used it in a while), went to Azkaban, and demanded to see Draco Malfoy. They knew who I was, and followed my command without question. A guard took me through the grimy floor and concrete walls (these people didn’t deserve to see anything magic) to the coward. We finally arrived, and I recognized the trademark icy-blonde hair.
But when I saw him in entirety, I was shocked.
No longer was his back ramrod straight with pride and arrogance-- he was curled into a fetus position. No longer was his expression smirking like he had so many times, but scrunched in fear, his eyes wide and full of terror. Although a part of me was pleased with this sight, the other part of me wanted to just hold him and nurse him back to health. A part of me still believed that there was good in him, that he could be redeemed; the one that reminded me that he didn’t kill Dumbledore. That he didn’t hit me back .
I had to do something.
In the end, I ended up saving him.
I pulled a few strings and had him pulled out of Azkaban on the ground that he was never a full Death Eater, and that he had never actually killed Dumbledore. “He loved his parents,” I said, “and his master threatened to kill his parents if he did not fill his task. He doesn’t deserve to be in Azkaban.”
Although he was shocked that I had done such a thing, and had wildly protested (“I’m a proud Malfoy, I won’t be saved by a Mudblood!”), we managed to become something like friends after a while. We were the only ones who knew each other before the war, after all.
“I wonder what would have happened if I never knew you,” I blurted out one day.
“I don’t know, Granger, do entertain me,” he drawled.
“I think that I would have become an empty-hearted pessimist,” I replied. “I wouldn’t be the person I am today without you.”
He stared at me, shocked by my reply. His cheeks were slightly pink, and his eyebrows were high on his forehead. He remained silent, however, just sighed and grabbed my hand.
“And I would have been rotting away in Azkaban,” he murmured, “thanks.”
I smiled at him. “You’re welcome.”
“No more fluffy sentiments for today, all right, Granger? I’ve lowered myself enough to actually become friends with you, you know,” he said, his eyes on the floor and his pink getting a shade darker.
“Whatever you say, Malfoy.”
I wonder what my life would have been like without Harry, Ron, or all the people that I knew.
I wonder what the world would be like if the War never happened.
I wonder-I really wonder-what kind of person I would be if I never knew Draco Malfoy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Ok, well, most of the grammar was good, just some mix-ups between past and present, although I'm not sure what tense you were writing in? Most of Hermione's thoughts are past tense, but are her actions present? You used present tense for some of her actions, but then referred to one incident as past, so I'm not sure...I left it as is because I wasn't sure what to do with it.
As for the feedback, I'm going to be brutally honest, so plz don't throw any rotten fruits, veggies or bio-degradable goods of any kind.
Let's see. Overall, it's a good piece of writing. I liked your use of repetition, although at times, it got to be a little too much. The intro was beautiful-- very subtle, imaginative and tranquil--you really got into her mindset. I think one thing that was a bit problematic was the flow of the piece. I felt like it went from her calling him a coward to suddenly her setting him free. You kind of switched gears there by first talking about Harry and the 'noble cause', then to bashing Draco for his cowardly actions during the war and hinting at betrayal, then to laughing at him 'manically', then to saying that her friends would approve and then to her seeing him and her sudden pity for him. The transitions can be played up a bit here. You start off the writing very slowly, so it follows that the rest of the piece should keep the mood of the intro imo. Also, there's a bit of a contradiction going on between the beginning and end.
Early on, you establish: "I hate him for that. If he had killed Dumbledore, I would have been able to properly place him into the “evil” category, instead of seeing so much grey in him. As if he has some good in him. I don’t believe that."
Then, there is later on: "Although a part of me was pleased with this sight, the other part of me wanted to just hold him and nurse him back to health. A part of me still believed that there was good in him, that he could be redeemed; the one that reminded me that he didn’t kill Dumbledore. "
It's a bit confusing mostly because you're switching from present to past and vice versa, but there almost seems to be three tenses at work here. The past tense where you talk about the war and what's happened and her mindset, then there's another past tense, where she's already saved him from prison, then there's the present, where they are talking towards the end? Is that right? If I'm way off here, plz say so. If this is the case though, maybe you want to stick to two tenses? Hermione's thoughts can be set to both past and present, depending on the situation. And you can keep the 'saving Draco from prison' in present. That might work better.
God, that all sounds so complicated, doesn't it? I hate tenses, which is why I mostly stay away from them. I always get mixed up, lol.
BTW I love Draco. He's so in character, especially the “No more fluffy sentiments for today, all right, Granger? I’ve lowered myself enough to actually become friends with you, you know,” he said, his eyes on the floor and his pink getting a shade darker." *squee*
So yeah.