State of the Union (Body+Mind)
I just can't stop writing. All of this stuff has been bottled up inside me and I've had no outlet for it. Thank you for bearing with me, I think there will be a lot of posts here at the beginning and hopefully it will taper off into a more reasonable amount of my inane babbling soon.
Twitter has been the only outlet I've allowed myself, and even then 90% of my posts there are cryptic quotes. Looking back on this LiveJournal, and how I used it quite regularly for years, I realized I have been torturing myself by not allowing myself an outlet where I could just... let it out. I've needed this for years, especially the past couple of years which have been quite tumultuous to put it lightly.
I spend the vast majority of my time sitting in my room alone. I don't go outside, definitely don't go to social places or events, and make excuses not to go on the rare occasion that an invitation does come by.
I barely have any human contact in real life. Outside of work none. I text a couple people daily, but often feel bad that I am dumping all my stress on them day after day. Their commitment to me is so appreciated beyond words or actions, I feel that shit so deeply within myself it's really hard to express it. But other than those special couple of humans I've completely isolated myself from the world.
I don't see a mental or behavioral health professional.
I don't see friends or family regularly.
I don't even give myself a chance.
It's amazing that my mind is still functional, and honestly that I'm still alive. I know I'm sad and depressed, severely lonely and isolated. The fact that I manage to have a positive attitude and even just smile amazes me sometimes.
I need help. But I don't know how to help myself. It's stupid. But I've learned to deal with it and live with it.
That is the state of Me at the moment. This is close to rock bottom, and part of why I'm writing this out is to give me a clear picture of what I need to change. Just trying to get everything out there now and we'll sort things out more later.