Chance
Even when there is no light left, and the chance of success has hit 0, we still persevere, and we still strugge on futilely, hoping for the impossible. Why? Why do we do it?
I am going to explode. Seriously. Little bits of brain and other body matter are about to projected quite a few feet. Things are busy as always, you know, various school shit because we absolutely positively must get into college. Besides the fact that we're browbeat over the head with it practically every day, I think we get the fucking picture. Things haven't been very exciting since the last post. Kinda going along, last Thursday was our last meet for season, it was the best, becasue I placed, and we got to do the Fat Man Relay. Only took them to the last meet to figure it out. Then Friday is the field trip and I assume its going to be a great time. Ha, yeah, right. Great America blows if you're tall. Not only did I tweak my back on the first fucking ride, my balls went numb from the number of times they were hammered on by those damn lap bars. Besides the immense physical pain, we had a couple of tag alongs, Lane and Gilbert. Gilbert wasn't bad, but Lane was . . . well, Lane. And to top it off, Ryan was being an asshole, meaning Molly and Alyssa felt like shit, and I got to play mediator. Hurray. I think the bus ride there was probably the most fun. But since I get back late, no doing our weekly Friday thing, but Eric came out. That was worth it. But, I am faced again, with how much people don't need me in my life, and wondering why the hell I even bother. I dunno, I guess we all want what we can't have.
Yesterday was just retarded. Get up at 6:15 for the SAT II's. That's fine. Get to school at maybe 7:20, and of course, I don't talk to the people I said I would. What a great friend I am. Besides, its not anybody actually needs me or anything. So we get situated in the library, and of course, we get Retarded Bitch Proctor Without a Brain. Just my luck. We end up starting at like 9 or 9:30, and I don't finish until about 1. Which means I'm already 2 hours late for community service. Not only that, I was stupid enough to sign up for the Physics Subject Test. I swear, I am the biggest idiot in the world. Somebody would think that the fact that I haven't taken anything even close to Physics since Freshman year would set of a flag, but no, Josh decides to be an idiot and take it anyway. That test fucked me so bad, its not funny. I felt like just handing life a rubber fist and saying "Go for it." Finally get done and get home, and I sit down and start talking to whom I was supposed to earlier, and of course, my mom immediately tells me I have to go take her somewhere. So not only do I have to listen to her criticize my driving, by the time I get back, she's gone. Hoo Fucking Rah. So I get home, and Mark's here, not only that, but Clayton and Porky are here too. Wow. Aparently they're all there to watch the fight, so before hand, we watch some UFC. And I remembered why I hate watching fights with my family. Would everybody just shut up and watch the friggen fight already? I feel myself sploding, especially because the internet won't stay fucking connected so I can't unload with some DotA. So I decide to talk a walk. I needed it. I finally convince Rikki to join me, when my mom texts me saying everybody's coming after me. Do they not understand that I wanted to take a walk so I could be alone? Not only was it that, I was missing her like something crazy, something I blame Molly for and all her worrying about Chris after the gay proctor, but that worked itself out as I convinced her to come with me. We walked back to her house as it was getting dark, and she gave me a ride home, at which point I told her she had to come in and meet Eric. She had to, he is black after all. She stayed and watched the fight, and we convinced her to stay the latest she could. I hope she had fun, and wasn't too thoroughly uncomfortable with the entire thing. She didn't seem to be, but you never really know. So I get to talking, and of course, I fall asleep. Great Move Whiz Kid. So I already feel bad when I get up this morning.
Breakfast was good, then I chilled with T and played Gears of War for a bit, that's fun. Lo and Behold, 12 rolls around. Fuck Me Sideways. 1 comes around, and I go to my Practice History Test Thing. I hate that shit. 4 agonizing hours go by, and I'm free. I eat a highly overpriced meal, then I got home. To start my homework. Fun. I wait for probably 2 hours longer than I should have, and thing start of seemingly kinda hostile, but it warms up a little a guess. And then its gone. No warning. No coming back. And during the process of course, I realize what an idiot I am. Of course, its not like I could actually provide any value. Not with everybody else around. And I have to give the guy credit, Marco seems like a decent guy. But who the fuck knows. All I know is that I have one of those giant "FAIL" things imprinted on my very head. I dunno, I should've expected it. And I could still be completely wrong and just being a loathsome self-pitying ass. I hope that's the case, but its not like I'm actually gonna find out what I needed to know. I don't know, I just want this year to be over. That'd be good.
But I swear, somebody forgot to remind me to shoot myself this morning.