Cold...
God, I know this is going to go against what I tell others, and maybe labled as a hippocrit, but I am now getting emotional. haha. I just saw this movie where the gay kid falls in love with the str8 guy, and the str8 guy cares deeply about this homo, and its sappy. I am crying and emotional because all I can think of is Patrik. I miss him so much and right now hes been in my thoughts. God I wish he wouldn't have died. I need him right now so badly, and I will never get to be talk to him or feel his comfort. God, I am crying. hahaha. I normally wouldn't write this kind of stuff, cuz I don't like my defenses being down, but I don't care at this moment. I need to vent. I need Patrik. I am having a break down. I am about to graduate, and I know what I wanna do, but I am not sure on how to go about it. I mean I know how to, but resources like what city ect. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! As most of you know, money doesn't come easy to me, so when I get a new pair of clothes, I get happy, so thats what I am also looking at. I need a car that will never give me a problem, I don't wanna leave my friends, and I don't want to miss out on their happiness. I love my friends so much, It hurts to not see them happy. Hell I even buy my coworker Justine ice cream cuz it makes her happy. I just love to see people happy. The more and more I think about things the more I keep missing Patrik. I vowed to Patrik I would graduate college, and make him proud of me. I know hes looking out for me, because I should have died twice in two car wrecks, due to no seatbelt, but I felt a guiding force keeping me safely postioned, that I just have a few scars. I know thats him. I know everytime that I am doing something he wouldn't like I feel a weird chill come. His chill creates emotions in me that make me not do something, and so far they been helping. I wish he was here. I wish I could hold him like I use to. We were so comfortable. We were so tight together. He was my everything down to his last breath. I can't stop crying. He always made me feel beautiful and smart, and wonderful. I know people tell me I am, and yeah Dan I can "score" but its not the same. I miss having someone love me like he does. I know my friends love me, but I mean beyond friend/brotherly love. I want the love that when you kiss you feel the earth move around you. Time stops around you. I can't get Patrik out of my head, I wish I had him here. I know this is very depressing update, but I am sorry, i am just hurting and need to let it out. I see the good things, so I deserve to let the bad out. I am really sorry guys...:( I love you all. I am going to go to bed soon I think. See yah all tomorrow...