(no subject)
It's been two years since that day she walked away from me. It's been two days since I walked away from her.
It was a long time ago. We were both young, suffering and in a hurry to be in love. We thought we'd found love in one another, but in reality we'd each found friends that understood. Over time, I fell in love while she realized her mistake. I spent the next two years trying to forget that day. To tell the truth, a few minutes is all I really remember clearly...it starts when we'd run into each other by chance in a crowded department store and ends when she walked away with his arm around her and they disappeared into the crowd together. I'm sure something followed, but I don't remember what, nor do I care to try to remember. Whatever it was, I survived with only the cheap engagement ring I gave to her to show for it. I don't care about the details now any more than I did at the time.
I spent the next year finding new ways to torture myself. It was my fault for not being good enough for her. Of course, that was why she left me, right? I was worthless. I didn't deserve her. It's strange how easy it is to bend logic and reason to your will when you're looking for an excuse to die, which in the end was all I really wanted at the time. I had nothing before her, but it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. I'm certain I ran the entire gauntlet of self-pity. I hated myself, tried to change myself, and sobbed into a wine glass when all else eventually failed. In the end, I realized that what began between us was coincidence that appeared to be love. I also realized that I truly had fallen in love, and that she just didn't feel the same way. I eventually got over it and moved on...mostly. More changes took place after that, but few involved her directly. Before her, I had nothing. When she came into my life, she was all that I had, and then without warning the one good thing I had was taken from me. It was hard getting used to having nothing to live for again. I spent a long time looking for an excuse to become a martyr for some reason or another. For a while, I tried to convince myself that I was just upset because I lost something. Even after all the time it took me to convince myself that things just didn't work between us, it took almost as long for me to admit again that I love her. That's right...love, not loved. To this day, I can't throw away what I feel for her. She was with another man while she was with me and eventually left me for him, and I was angry and hurt because of that. Despite that and the fact that she may not have opened up to me, I opened up to her and she willingly accepted all I had to give. Nobody else had ever done that for me. Even if she didn't love me, she did care.
Considering my line of work and the requisite travel, I suppose that it was only a matter of time before I ended up back in Vancouver. After I'd taken care of business, I found myself with the perfect opportunity to go back to where it all started, in that tiny port town at the end of the world. Nothing was there but fishermen and Americans that were running from something other than the law. It seemed like the perfect place for someone like me, but I'd run there once already. But like I said, love and not loved. I don't remember the excuse I came up with, but it didn't take long for me to find myself driving across the border. I wasn't surprised when I got there and nobody recognized me or even so much as acknowledged my existence. There's a lot of people out there with something to run from, and quite a few of the ones headed north passed the town to get there. The only ones that draw any attention are the ones that stay, and even they eventually move on and are forgotten. There wasn't much to see there except for the road to Vancouver, but I still enjoyed seeing the only place I'd called home, even if it was only for a couple of years. I was running along with everyone else, and stopped there looking for work. I was only going to stay for a few weeks to scrape some money together to keep moving, but it started feeling like home, and weeks turned into months...that was when I met her, and I never wanted to be anywhere else. She'd just escaped her own demons back in the States, and was looking for work. Everything after that was a blissful blur.
I found my way to an abandoned pier where we used to spend time together. It was still there with rotting boards and posts, defying it's own age and held together by nothing but fine craftsmanship and a prayer. I stood there at the edge watching the sun sinking into the ocean when I realized that all of my memories wouldn't bring her back to me. I knew that when she left me, it was because she didn't want to be with me anymore. Even if she'd still been there, that hadn't changed. Seeing her would only result in a relapse, just as even being in that place would eventually do when I realized she wasn't coming back. It was time to go. I turned to leave and saw her standing behind me and watching me in the distance. I didn't know she was there, nor did I expect her to be. I still wasn't surprised. My whole life, she was the only one that could watch me without drawing my attention...but it's never come as a surprise. I knew from the first time she did it that she was something special. After a few minutes of staring at each other and fighting back tears and emotions, we finally spoke. It turned out that she'd left with the man I saw her with that day and moved to Seattle. After a few months, she realized he was Mr. Wrong and it all fell apart, and she was stuck with nowhere else to go except to that same port town to start over once again. She told me that ever since she got back, all she thought about was me and what she'd put me through...and that she wished and prayed every single day that we'd have another chance together. She realized that she was afraid to love me, or something like that. Whatever she said doesn't make anymore sense now than it did when she said it. Whatever it was, it ended with her realizing that the only time she'd ever been happy was when she was with me, even all of those times she was sleeping with him. I don't even want to know how many times I wished that I could hear those words from her since she left me, for a variety of reasons. Still, I knew what it all boiled down to. She wanted me back as much as I wanted her, but it couldn't be. In all of the time since we parted ways, I'd realized quite a bit, but the one thing I knew above all else was that I couldn't let myself feel that way ever again if I was ever going to get over what happened. A bit drastic, maybe, but it was all I had, and in reality even after the shock wore off and I managed to get a grip on reality again, I didn't ever want to put myself through this kind of misery again. I was born into this world alone, and I wasn't about to start letting myself depend on anyone for anything then. I still love her, but I know that in time, it will pass. I told her all of that, and told her that I just wasn't capable of love anymore, even if it was her. I'm not sure if she completely understood, but I told her she would, and sooner than she thought. I reached beneath my shirt and pulled out the engagement ring I gave her all that time ago. I kept it tied around my neck ever since that day, but it had been months since I'd even thought about it. I took it off and gave it to her, and asked her to get rid of it for me. I couldn't do it myself, but I didn't know what to do with it anymore. I left her at that pier, and soon the town was nothing more than a point on the horizon in my rearview mirror, and for the last time.
Like I said, two days have passed. I made it as far as Olympia before I broke down and spent most of my time until now crying into a wine glass in a hotel room. I've been sitting in this Starbucks for an hour, waiting for another job offer to come in. I'm desperate for a distraction. I'm out of places to run to. Behind me, I can see someone's faint shadow being cast over me. I think this is the first time she's ever surprised me.
Comments: This started with an idea that hit me suddenly, and grew from there. I really want to keep going with this character and see what I can do with him.
It was a long time ago. We were both young, suffering and in a hurry to be in love. We thought we'd found love in one another, but in reality we'd each found friends that understood. Over time, I fell in love while she realized her mistake. I spent the next two years trying to forget that day. To tell the truth, a few minutes is all I really remember clearly...it starts when we'd run into each other by chance in a crowded department store and ends when she walked away with his arm around her and they disappeared into the crowd together. I'm sure something followed, but I don't remember what, nor do I care to try to remember. Whatever it was, I survived with only the cheap engagement ring I gave to her to show for it. I don't care about the details now any more than I did at the time.
I spent the next year finding new ways to torture myself. It was my fault for not being good enough for her. Of course, that was why she left me, right? I was worthless. I didn't deserve her. It's strange how easy it is to bend logic and reason to your will when you're looking for an excuse to die, which in the end was all I really wanted at the time. I had nothing before her, but it wasn't until after I lost her that I realized that. I'm certain I ran the entire gauntlet of self-pity. I hated myself, tried to change myself, and sobbed into a wine glass when all else eventually failed. In the end, I realized that what began between us was coincidence that appeared to be love. I also realized that I truly had fallen in love, and that she just didn't feel the same way. I eventually got over it and moved on...mostly. More changes took place after that, but few involved her directly. Before her, I had nothing. When she came into my life, she was all that I had, and then without warning the one good thing I had was taken from me. It was hard getting used to having nothing to live for again. I spent a long time looking for an excuse to become a martyr for some reason or another. For a while, I tried to convince myself that I was just upset because I lost something. Even after all the time it took me to convince myself that things just didn't work between us, it took almost as long for me to admit again that I love her. That's right...love, not loved. To this day, I can't throw away what I feel for her. She was with another man while she was with me and eventually left me for him, and I was angry and hurt because of that. Despite that and the fact that she may not have opened up to me, I opened up to her and she willingly accepted all I had to give. Nobody else had ever done that for me. Even if she didn't love me, she did care.
Considering my line of work and the requisite travel, I suppose that it was only a matter of time before I ended up back in Vancouver. After I'd taken care of business, I found myself with the perfect opportunity to go back to where it all started, in that tiny port town at the end of the world. Nothing was there but fishermen and Americans that were running from something other than the law. It seemed like the perfect place for someone like me, but I'd run there once already. But like I said, love and not loved. I don't remember the excuse I came up with, but it didn't take long for me to find myself driving across the border. I wasn't surprised when I got there and nobody recognized me or even so much as acknowledged my existence. There's a lot of people out there with something to run from, and quite a few of the ones headed north passed the town to get there. The only ones that draw any attention are the ones that stay, and even they eventually move on and are forgotten. There wasn't much to see there except for the road to Vancouver, but I still enjoyed seeing the only place I'd called home, even if it was only for a couple of years. I was running along with everyone else, and stopped there looking for work. I was only going to stay for a few weeks to scrape some money together to keep moving, but it started feeling like home, and weeks turned into months...that was when I met her, and I never wanted to be anywhere else. She'd just escaped her own demons back in the States, and was looking for work. Everything after that was a blissful blur.
I found my way to an abandoned pier where we used to spend time together. It was still there with rotting boards and posts, defying it's own age and held together by nothing but fine craftsmanship and a prayer. I stood there at the edge watching the sun sinking into the ocean when I realized that all of my memories wouldn't bring her back to me. I knew that when she left me, it was because she didn't want to be with me anymore. Even if she'd still been there, that hadn't changed. Seeing her would only result in a relapse, just as even being in that place would eventually do when I realized she wasn't coming back. It was time to go. I turned to leave and saw her standing behind me and watching me in the distance. I didn't know she was there, nor did I expect her to be. I still wasn't surprised. My whole life, she was the only one that could watch me without drawing my attention...but it's never come as a surprise. I knew from the first time she did it that she was something special. After a few minutes of staring at each other and fighting back tears and emotions, we finally spoke. It turned out that she'd left with the man I saw her with that day and moved to Seattle. After a few months, she realized he was Mr. Wrong and it all fell apart, and she was stuck with nowhere else to go except to that same port town to start over once again. She told me that ever since she got back, all she thought about was me and what she'd put me through...and that she wished and prayed every single day that we'd have another chance together. She realized that she was afraid to love me, or something like that. Whatever she said doesn't make anymore sense now than it did when she said it. Whatever it was, it ended with her realizing that the only time she'd ever been happy was when she was with me, even all of those times she was sleeping with him. I don't even want to know how many times I wished that I could hear those words from her since she left me, for a variety of reasons. Still, I knew what it all boiled down to. She wanted me back as much as I wanted her, but it couldn't be. In all of the time since we parted ways, I'd realized quite a bit, but the one thing I knew above all else was that I couldn't let myself feel that way ever again if I was ever going to get over what happened. A bit drastic, maybe, but it was all I had, and in reality even after the shock wore off and I managed to get a grip on reality again, I didn't ever want to put myself through this kind of misery again. I was born into this world alone, and I wasn't about to start letting myself depend on anyone for anything then. I still love her, but I know that in time, it will pass. I told her all of that, and told her that I just wasn't capable of love anymore, even if it was her. I'm not sure if she completely understood, but I told her she would, and sooner than she thought. I reached beneath my shirt and pulled out the engagement ring I gave her all that time ago. I kept it tied around my neck ever since that day, but it had been months since I'd even thought about it. I took it off and gave it to her, and asked her to get rid of it for me. I couldn't do it myself, but I didn't know what to do with it anymore. I left her at that pier, and soon the town was nothing more than a point on the horizon in my rearview mirror, and for the last time.
Like I said, two days have passed. I made it as far as Olympia before I broke down and spent most of my time until now crying into a wine glass in a hotel room. I've been sitting in this Starbucks for an hour, waiting for another job offer to come in. I'm desperate for a distraction. I'm out of places to run to. Behind me, I can see someone's faint shadow being cast over me. I think this is the first time she's ever surprised me.
Comments: This started with an idea that hit me suddenly, and grew from there. I really want to keep going with this character and see what I can do with him.