venting.
I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't let this out. So much shit has been on my mind lately and I've been so stressed. Nobody even has to read this.
I try to like myself, and I know I'm a good person but if that's true then why do people walk all over me and treat me like shit? I almost want to change some things about me like my paranoia and being a pushover and getting so easily pissy but I was saying this to my friend today at work and she was like why are you trying to change who you are? In a way she is right but I just don't feel like myself lately. I'm so edgy and half the time I have to hold it in because Im so afraid of snapping at people. The last two nights I have been sitting in my room crying and if I'm ever upset and a friend asks whats wrong Im like nothing Im tired, or sick, or just make up some excuse. I just feel like screaming all of the time. Yesterday I had SATs and I have no idea how I did but my parents say that if I get shitty scores then I have to "change my lifestyle" And yes, I do things they would dissaprove of but I feel like I have no self control anymore. Why can't I just fucking say no? I feel like staying in because pretty much all of my friends do drugs. I know they know that I smoke but it's so fucking hard to quit. I can't even fucking breathe half the time but I still do it. I can tell my parents have lost a lot of trust in me lately but hey I guess I deserve that...it isn't what I want though. I hate lying to them so much. My mom fell yesterday and nearly broke her leg and now my stepdad is getting all angry at her because she asks him to do stuff (the same stuff she would normally have done every other day) and it's like I had to leave from sitting out with them because I was so upset. I feel like saying you know shes depressed enough because she can hardly get around on crutches but do you have to make her feel 10 times worse? I feel like total shit today but I still have the fucking decency to be considerate. Last night I couldnt fall asleep til 5 in the morning because I lay there pathetically crying with all this shit on my mind and I can never get comfortable enough. Then I had work at 8 in the morning and I came home and tried to sleep but its like I can either deal with the loud ass air conditioner bothering the fuck out of me or try to fall asleep in the heat. I still haven't woken up but I have a shitload of homework. I can't even keep my mind on one thing for more than two seconds anymore without zoning out because some other shits on my mind. I feel like Im driving myself insane but I dont want to call anyone because thats not who I am. On top of all this Im sick with constant headaches, a tight chest, trouble breathing, nausea, and everything else that seems to go wrong. I find myself always clenching my teeth anymore to stop myself from crying. I hate being so sensitive cause I take everything to heart. Finals are coming up in school and I'm so not ready... I try to study and do my homework but I just can't. I smoke to get everything off my mind but it always seems to make things worse and I feel shitty lieing to my parents about it. My dad called last night. I miss him so much and he probably thinks I just dont like him or something because Im never over to se him but its because he still lets my stepmom live with him after all thats happened between them and she hates me now so if I go over she makes me feel like shit. I need my friends the most right now but I don't know how to tell them because I hate crying and when I start to think about all of this shit, and talk about it to people I cry so much more. I feel like sucha baby sometimes but I cant help it. Saturday night I called so many people and they were all either doing something or didnt answer. I feel like there is something wrong with me and I dunno what it is. AM I selfish? I know I make bad decisions but I guess Ill always be like that. I want to better myself but it seems so hard. Like why do I have to call everyone to hang out? Don't they ever want to chill with me? I feel so desperate sometimes but lately being with friends is the only thing that makes me the littlest bit happier. I think I've pretty much said most of the things bothering me. theres more but I dont think this is making me feel any better... so Im gonna stop.
I try to like myself, and I know I'm a good person but if that's true then why do people walk all over me and treat me like shit? I almost want to change some things about me like my paranoia and being a pushover and getting so easily pissy but I was saying this to my friend today at work and she was like why are you trying to change who you are? In a way she is right but I just don't feel like myself lately. I'm so edgy and half the time I have to hold it in because Im so afraid of snapping at people. The last two nights I have been sitting in my room crying and if I'm ever upset and a friend asks whats wrong Im like nothing Im tired, or sick, or just make up some excuse. I just feel like screaming all of the time. Yesterday I had SATs and I have no idea how I did but my parents say that if I get shitty scores then I have to "change my lifestyle" And yes, I do things they would dissaprove of but I feel like I have no self control anymore. Why can't I just fucking say no? I feel like staying in because pretty much all of my friends do drugs. I know they know that I smoke but it's so fucking hard to quit. I can't even fucking breathe half the time but I still do it. I can tell my parents have lost a lot of trust in me lately but hey I guess I deserve that...it isn't what I want though. I hate lying to them so much. My mom fell yesterday and nearly broke her leg and now my stepdad is getting all angry at her because she asks him to do stuff (the same stuff she would normally have done every other day) and it's like I had to leave from sitting out with them because I was so upset. I feel like saying you know shes depressed enough because she can hardly get around on crutches but do you have to make her feel 10 times worse? I feel like total shit today but I still have the fucking decency to be considerate. Last night I couldnt fall asleep til 5 in the morning because I lay there pathetically crying with all this shit on my mind and I can never get comfortable enough. Then I had work at 8 in the morning and I came home and tried to sleep but its like I can either deal with the loud ass air conditioner bothering the fuck out of me or try to fall asleep in the heat. I still haven't woken up but I have a shitload of homework. I can't even keep my mind on one thing for more than two seconds anymore without zoning out because some other shits on my mind. I feel like Im driving myself insane but I dont want to call anyone because thats not who I am. On top of all this Im sick with constant headaches, a tight chest, trouble breathing, nausea, and everything else that seems to go wrong. I find myself always clenching my teeth anymore to stop myself from crying. I hate being so sensitive cause I take everything to heart. Finals are coming up in school and I'm so not ready... I try to study and do my homework but I just can't. I smoke to get everything off my mind but it always seems to make things worse and I feel shitty lieing to my parents about it. My dad called last night. I miss him so much and he probably thinks I just dont like him or something because Im never over to se him but its because he still lets my stepmom live with him after all thats happened between them and she hates me now so if I go over she makes me feel like shit. I need my friends the most right now but I don't know how to tell them because I hate crying and when I start to think about all of this shit, and talk about it to people I cry so much more. I feel like sucha baby sometimes but I cant help it. Saturday night I called so many people and they were all either doing something or didnt answer. I feel like there is something wrong with me and I dunno what it is. AM I selfish? I know I make bad decisions but I guess Ill always be like that. I want to better myself but it seems so hard. Like why do I have to call everyone to hang out? Don't they ever want to chill with me? I feel so desperate sometimes but lately being with friends is the only thing that makes me the littlest bit happier. I think I've pretty much said most of the things bothering me. theres more but I dont think this is making me feel any better... so Im gonna stop.