Trying, though struggling, to stay positive.
"The pain associated with Endometriosis is the most difficult symptom to cope with for most women. For many, the pain they suffer severely interferes with every day life."
This journal was long ago originally created for me to pour forth feelings, doubts and questions that I had back when I was in a polyamorous relationship. That life is long gone now and not missed in the least. Yes, of course I still miss Aidan (mostly because there was no closure). But I don't miss the hassle of being poly. My monogamous relationship with Crys has taken me to such a new level of love that I never believed exsisted. I never thought that it was possible to find someone who loved as devotingly as I do. But I have. I have never in my life of dating ever thought to myself that I could actually spend the rest of my life with someone, happily. I've always had doubts about who they were and whether or not I could deal with them for more than a while, let alone for the rest of my life. Which is why I've never been married.
I feel and know with the entirety of my being that I could happily spend the rest of my life with Crys. Why? Because I know that she, with the entirety of her being, would happily do the same. I've never felt that kind of certainty, that kind of equal exchange of connection in every way. It was either I loved my partner more than they love me, or vice versa. I am so extremely blessed for the gift given to me in finding this relationship. I am thankful every day for her, my family, my children.
In November, my company finally laid off our entire department due to outsourcing. Of course, you don't typically view a lay-off as a blessing. But I have come to see that it has been just that. I can't begin to fathom how in the world I would be able to hold any job right now with the pain this disease has caused me on a daily basis. Most of you have never even heard of this disease. So, most of you don't know that people with it in general only have about 5 to 10 "good" days per month. Can you imagine feeling horrible pain out of nearly every day of your life? I couldn't either before this began. I am lucky that this isn't life threatning. There's a chance I will have a hysterectomy and then there's a slight chance that will fix it all. Or there's a chance that I may have to continue on like this. I am feeling pretty lost right now.
In general, I am happy. And I do so feel blessed for all the many wonderful people and things in my life. But how am I to cope with this? How are the one's who have to be around me every day supposed to cope with this? My daughter? Crys?
This journal will most likely now be turned into a diary of this disease. Not really for anyone's sake but my own.
This journal was long ago originally created for me to pour forth feelings, doubts and questions that I had back when I was in a polyamorous relationship. That life is long gone now and not missed in the least. Yes, of course I still miss Aidan (mostly because there was no closure). But I don't miss the hassle of being poly. My monogamous relationship with Crys has taken me to such a new level of love that I never believed exsisted. I never thought that it was possible to find someone who loved as devotingly as I do. But I have. I have never in my life of dating ever thought to myself that I could actually spend the rest of my life with someone, happily. I've always had doubts about who they were and whether or not I could deal with them for more than a while, let alone for the rest of my life. Which is why I've never been married.
I feel and know with the entirety of my being that I could happily spend the rest of my life with Crys. Why? Because I know that she, with the entirety of her being, would happily do the same. I've never felt that kind of certainty, that kind of equal exchange of connection in every way. It was either I loved my partner more than they love me, or vice versa. I am so extremely blessed for the gift given to me in finding this relationship. I am thankful every day for her, my family, my children.
In November, my company finally laid off our entire department due to outsourcing. Of course, you don't typically view a lay-off as a blessing. But I have come to see that it has been just that. I can't begin to fathom how in the world I would be able to hold any job right now with the pain this disease has caused me on a daily basis. Most of you have never even heard of this disease. So, most of you don't know that people with it in general only have about 5 to 10 "good" days per month. Can you imagine feeling horrible pain out of nearly every day of your life? I couldn't either before this began. I am lucky that this isn't life threatning. There's a chance I will have a hysterectomy and then there's a slight chance that will fix it all. Or there's a chance that I may have to continue on like this. I am feeling pretty lost right now.
In general, I am happy. And I do so feel blessed for all the many wonderful people and things in my life. But how am I to cope with this? How are the one's who have to be around me every day supposed to cope with this? My daughter? Crys?
This journal will most likely now be turned into a diary of this disease. Not really for anyone's sake but my own.