(no subject)
So in the past and up to today and for the rest of my life I will struggle with wanting to be in control. I don't like the feel of having no control over how things go. This also goes hand in hand with me being an over achiever. I can "control" what grades I am going to get by "controlling" how much time I put into studying. Lately all I have been doing is studying. Seriously...I look like shit and feel like crap and you can ask anybody around here...they will tell you. I'll often resort to saying that I hate school and put on this "act" that I don't care anymore. (But we all obviously know that I do care or else I would not be getting that upset.) Anyway, I was reading the Bible before I went to bed (because that is what and how I TRY to live my life by so I figure I should read it once in a while) and I came across this veryse in Ecclesiastes. (One of my favorite books) Paraphrasing it says that why do we toil so hard and so much? And for what? In the end does it really matter? Is it really going to fill you up with peace and joy and satisfaction? Maybe for a short time but not forever. When we die, none of the things we have worked for will matter. What will matter is our heart and our soul and if we worked for God and if we showed love and compassion on our neighboors. (neighboors meaning everyone in the world.) Then it said, "what are you toiling for?" And I had to stop. I thought about it and it was like a brick just hit me upside the head. What am I working for? For a grade?? Yea I need a good GPA to go to grad school but I may not go to grad school. I don't know...it just seems like all my stressing and working untill I finally burned out was not worth it. I can do what I can do and that's all I can do.
So back to the control thing. I'm glad I am not in control. I am so 100% that God is in control. If I was...oh wow. Someone help me because I am a screw up. We all are. I would not trust myself to know what is the best thing for me. I am not capeable of making those decisions in emotional times. I don't know what is around the corner. I just find it much easier and comforting that I am not in control. That God, who loves me beyond imagination who has my best intrests at heart all of the time...who is never selfish or irrisponsible, who is always faithful and loayal, who sees me with no sin...has my life in control. It's a sigh of relief.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Widges
P.S. Widges is me...it's an inside joke from econ that none of you would find even remotely funny even if I did tell you, but if you want to know then ask and I will be more than happy to share.
So back to the control thing. I'm glad I am not in control. I am so 100% that God is in control. If I was...oh wow. Someone help me because I am a screw up. We all are. I would not trust myself to know what is the best thing for me. I am not capeable of making those decisions in emotional times. I don't know what is around the corner. I just find it much easier and comforting that I am not in control. That God, who loves me beyond imagination who has my best intrests at heart all of the time...who is never selfish or irrisponsible, who is always faithful and loayal, who sees me with no sin...has my life in control. It's a sigh of relief.
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Widges
P.S. Widges is me...it's an inside joke from econ that none of you would find even remotely funny even if I did tell you, but if you want to know then ask and I will be more than happy to share.