Being married
Okay I'm back now, finally got my ass to a computer and since Russ is at work, I thought I'd kill time.
It's Heather's birthday today, the big 1-4. I keep forgetting she's no longer a child. I don't even live with her and I feel the need to constantly protect her. Does this ever go away?
Ever since I moved out, she's put Stacey and Tracey and Kinsey before family. She likes me and Russ, oh yes, because we'll do anything we can for her. But she chooses the theater people before me, always. Even now, I'm waiting for her to finish her dinner with them so that I can take her out. What a life.
I still work at McDonald's, but not 55 hours a week anymore. I make a fair 65-70 hours a week. I'm surprised they didn't fire me or Russ after they found out about the marriage. I thought they would.
And school is okay. I stay mostly to myself, but I always have people asking to see my ring, or a picture of Russ. They don't talk badly, but they do talk, and I hear them sometimes, and I wish I didn't. My grades are outstanding because Russ wouldn't have it any other way.
Do I like being married? Yes and no. We celebrated our one-month yesterday by eating at CiCi's. Why CiCi's? Because we have bills. Financial commitments. Excess debt. Basically, reasons why we can't spend too much, at all.
I really do like being away from home. It's hard sometimes though, honestly, and I can't get it through my head that I'm not going back, ever. This thought doesn't plague me, but it just feels like the goodness will end one day, and I'll be back on Lucia Drive, with mom bitching at me again.
Oh mom, I've talked to her twice since I got married. She's basically disowned me, but that is something I'll have to accept. She can't accept that she signed the paperwork now. She didn't even attend the ceremony. She flaked out last minute. Her first-born giving her life to another person, and she couldn't be there for twenty minutes. Mom will always be selfish.
I definitely don't miss CCT, and I don't miss church, but I do miss theater in general. I'm taking the class, but it's not as great as last years. Of course, I didn't like last year's much either, did I?
I feel selfish talking about myself, but this is my journal, so I will continue...
Russ is wonderful, as I had expected, but we are both stressed out. We've both got baggage, his being so much worse than mine. And the fact he's been married before always makes me wonder. Do I act like her? Do I fuck like her? Pardon the bluntness, but these questions are so demeaning to my confidence. Did he kiss her more? Did he love her more? He actually admitted that he regretted leaving her, only because of his kids, but you know what this did to me. Was she better? Was what they had more convenient? I'm sure it's not convenient to be married to someone who can't even get a cell phone because she's too young. These things plague me always.
And I finally got my license, which is great. The Escort was a lemon, tehy sold it to me undrivable, and they won't reimburse me for it, even though I could go after them for the money. The car cost me $750 with repairs and tags and crap, only $250 of that was their fault, but I'm so tired of being screwed.
It's only a matter of time before I leave McDonald's.
I found out today that I qualify for early graduation, which is great, because I want to get out earlier. I love TD and it's my forever joy, but I just can't sit here and wait if I don't have to. I need to get done with college and start a career. I can't afford to be educated forever. I can't even afford college.
The worst part about being married I guess is that you can't be selfish anymore. The only things I don't share are my girly feminine products- we even swap work uniforms, which I need to go wash I guess. But it's okay, being married, I just don't recommend it to other people my age. Suddenly, if we have a day off together, last minute he tells me about plans he made for us. We've had conflicts about that. Everyone expects us both, and that's great, but I just want a day all to myself, with him. That's all.
The end... for now.
It's Heather's birthday today, the big 1-4. I keep forgetting she's no longer a child. I don't even live with her and I feel the need to constantly protect her. Does this ever go away?
Ever since I moved out, she's put Stacey and Tracey and Kinsey before family. She likes me and Russ, oh yes, because we'll do anything we can for her. But she chooses the theater people before me, always. Even now, I'm waiting for her to finish her dinner with them so that I can take her out. What a life.
I still work at McDonald's, but not 55 hours a week anymore. I make a fair 65-70 hours a week. I'm surprised they didn't fire me or Russ after they found out about the marriage. I thought they would.
And school is okay. I stay mostly to myself, but I always have people asking to see my ring, or a picture of Russ. They don't talk badly, but they do talk, and I hear them sometimes, and I wish I didn't. My grades are outstanding because Russ wouldn't have it any other way.
Do I like being married? Yes and no. We celebrated our one-month yesterday by eating at CiCi's. Why CiCi's? Because we have bills. Financial commitments. Excess debt. Basically, reasons why we can't spend too much, at all.
I really do like being away from home. It's hard sometimes though, honestly, and I can't get it through my head that I'm not going back, ever. This thought doesn't plague me, but it just feels like the goodness will end one day, and I'll be back on Lucia Drive, with mom bitching at me again.
Oh mom, I've talked to her twice since I got married. She's basically disowned me, but that is something I'll have to accept. She can't accept that she signed the paperwork now. She didn't even attend the ceremony. She flaked out last minute. Her first-born giving her life to another person, and she couldn't be there for twenty minutes. Mom will always be selfish.
I definitely don't miss CCT, and I don't miss church, but I do miss theater in general. I'm taking the class, but it's not as great as last years. Of course, I didn't like last year's much either, did I?
I feel selfish talking about myself, but this is my journal, so I will continue...
Russ is wonderful, as I had expected, but we are both stressed out. We've both got baggage, his being so much worse than mine. And the fact he's been married before always makes me wonder. Do I act like her? Do I fuck like her? Pardon the bluntness, but these questions are so demeaning to my confidence. Did he kiss her more? Did he love her more? He actually admitted that he regretted leaving her, only because of his kids, but you know what this did to me. Was she better? Was what they had more convenient? I'm sure it's not convenient to be married to someone who can't even get a cell phone because she's too young. These things plague me always.
And I finally got my license, which is great. The Escort was a lemon, tehy sold it to me undrivable, and they won't reimburse me for it, even though I could go after them for the money. The car cost me $750 with repairs and tags and crap, only $250 of that was their fault, but I'm so tired of being screwed.
It's only a matter of time before I leave McDonald's.
I found out today that I qualify for early graduation, which is great, because I want to get out earlier. I love TD and it's my forever joy, but I just can't sit here and wait if I don't have to. I need to get done with college and start a career. I can't afford to be educated forever. I can't even afford college.
The worst part about being married I guess is that you can't be selfish anymore. The only things I don't share are my girly feminine products- we even swap work uniforms, which I need to go wash I guess. But it's okay, being married, I just don't recommend it to other people my age. Suddenly, if we have a day off together, last minute he tells me about plans he made for us. We've had conflicts about that. Everyone expects us both, and that's great, but I just want a day all to myself, with him. That's all.
The end... for now.