Ugh! Miserable Tuesday!
I keep staring at the clock, knowing that I have to jump in the shower, dreading going to work, because this break would have been perfect without having to work. Sometimes I really don't like it. Sometimes I want to go back to being broke and carefree. I've only got 2 years ahead of me before shit like this is required, so why waste this two years getting a head start on being miserable? Yes, when I put it like that, it isn't very appealing, is it? Well, at least I've got a head start on a better starting pay else where when the time comes. I mean, Thomas would have started me at six dollars an hour, had I any experience.
This week I get my paycheck, and alas, there will be nothing on there since I called off last week. I know I shouldn't have, but I wish they would make me work on a Tuesday or Wednesday... one of those days where my body is less expended from the week. Why a Friday? It's too much sometimes.
I've been talking continually with Matt since yesterday. All I've gotten is heartache. He confirmed what I already figured- that he's not supposed to have contact with me at all. He says his parents don't trust him either, but in the end, it's not going to be him suffering. In the end, he'll be able to date whoever he wants... except me. That means I'm suffering more, I think. If they didn't trust him so much, it would be a big deal that he was talking to Cassidy and Casey and other girls online last night, but because he was talking to me... you get it. And then, when things like that occur, it makes me hate myself for being so stupid. It brings me back to that day, where he was telling me to lie. If I had known that his father didn't know that we actually had sex, I would have lied for him. For me. For us. But again, where would THAT have gotten me?
Maybe, in the end, there's no right answer. Maybe, no matter how everything happened, I'd still be here. Or maybe worse off. I've got to learn to accept that I can't have him again. But something keeps me holding- I don't know what. It's like when your best friend betrays your trust and destroys the life around you and your reputation, and you're angry, but you want nothing more than to just be friends again. Well, in a sense, we've betrayed each other, and I want to hold onto anything left, but it's impossible.
At this rate, I'll have grays in my twenties.
Kristena
This week I get my paycheck, and alas, there will be nothing on there since I called off last week. I know I shouldn't have, but I wish they would make me work on a Tuesday or Wednesday... one of those days where my body is less expended from the week. Why a Friday? It's too much sometimes.
I've been talking continually with Matt since yesterday. All I've gotten is heartache. He confirmed what I already figured- that he's not supposed to have contact with me at all. He says his parents don't trust him either, but in the end, it's not going to be him suffering. In the end, he'll be able to date whoever he wants... except me. That means I'm suffering more, I think. If they didn't trust him so much, it would be a big deal that he was talking to Cassidy and Casey and other girls online last night, but because he was talking to me... you get it. And then, when things like that occur, it makes me hate myself for being so stupid. It brings me back to that day, where he was telling me to lie. If I had known that his father didn't know that we actually had sex, I would have lied for him. For me. For us. But again, where would THAT have gotten me?
Maybe, in the end, there's no right answer. Maybe, no matter how everything happened, I'd still be here. Or maybe worse off. I've got to learn to accept that I can't have him again. But something keeps me holding- I don't know what. It's like when your best friend betrays your trust and destroys the life around you and your reputation, and you're angry, but you want nothing more than to just be friends again. Well, in a sense, we've betrayed each other, and I want to hold onto anything left, but it's impossible.
At this rate, I'll have grays in my twenties.
Kristena