Desert's on Fire
Last summer I went to futureme.org and wrote myself a letter in which I would recieve on my 21st birthday:
Dear FutureMe,
This is being sent on august 8th, 2005 but you arent recieving it until your 21st bday on june 19th, 2006. Its been almost a year but more importantly you just finished your first year of college and you hit a major turning point(agewise) in your life. XXX till XXI? Is this the case? or did you stay true to yourself? Are you proud of the decisions you made and the steps you took in your life? What was the first year of school like? How scared were you when you first got there? what do you feel like now that you have been back home for a few weeks? Is your home still in connecticut? What happened in your family over the coarse of a year? Where is timmy now? More importantly, where is michael? Are you mad at yourself for the way you pushed him out of your life? What happened with davey over this year? Is he all talk? Is home where the heart is? How is the teen center now? what happened to all the old friends and aquintances? Do you feel you've changed? If so was it for the better or the worse? Do you think you followed the right path? Are you taking care of yourself now? Whats love? Who do you love? What is your major going to be? Who are you close to now and why? so whats Uarts like? Dorm life? If you could label yourself at this very second what would the label say? and last but certainly not least. Are you happy?
I hope things worked out in a manner in which you feel good about. You've worked hard. Dont second guess yourself. You are filled with so much love in your heart and I know things got rough but dont ever let anything take that away from you. Your mother loves you, even though you dont believe it your father does, and your friends love you. You are a beautiful person outside and in and not because you need to make yourself believe that (I no you dont believe it at all.) Very important people have said you were a beautiful person and I think you should trust them because they would never lie to you about something like that. Tell your mother you love her. Dont be afraid anymore. I love you and I'm happy you werent scared anymore to face life finally.
here forever and always,
yourself
And here is my reply:
Dear GhostofMe,
Today I turned 21 but it felt like any other day. XXX and even stronger about it. I stayed truer and truer to myself as the days passed. Many decisions I am very proud of and my life has reached a point that I dont think I would know who I was if I wasnt where I am. My past really does feel as if it is a ghost ship set sail. The first year of school was hell. In a good and a bad sense. I was reborn somewhere where I actually knew no one and in my rebirth I came out a hermit. I faced a lot of hard truths about certain people in my life and about my own emotions. At first I wasnt scared when I got to philly but I felt like a little ant in a giant anthill. The nights were the scariest parts because thats when I had to face myself. I have been very disgruntled since I've been home because as I suspected my life here has deteriorated and connecticut is my home but that home is fading and I have to make my own somewhere else. My family has been through many ups and downs. My father is still the same person. Timmy is going to try and become an electrician and hes been a manager at monroe muffler in stratford. My cousin danny is following the path of many down drug addiction but michael is far beyond that. Michael is addiction. His life is completely consumed by it. He helped create sleepless nights for me through out my entire first year of college and I'm sure there will be many more. He went to rehab and lived in a sober house but fucked that all up for that douche bag. Now hes back to his same antics and hes even worst. Hes betrayed all of my trust and hes pretty much dead to me.At first I was upset that I was angry at him and tried to push him from my life but I tried to except him back into it and I even went to see him at his rehab. Hes ultimately pushed me out of his life. Dave proved to be all talk but amusing talk at that. Im better off that way. Home is definately where the heart is and my heart is with the heart of others. I ache when I am away from the people I love but I need to be away so I can further my life. No pain, no gain. The teen center is the teen center, it pretty much is a center for shows but all that is important is it gives kids a place to go and have fun whether its sitting around or having a show.
A lot of old friends and aquintances have fallen behind and I dont see or hear from many of them. La familia is still around and kicking but I've gotten closer to some and others have pretty much removed themselves from my life. A very unexpected thing happen though, Andy. He has taken a very major role in my life and without him I dont know where my head would be. I thank him for that dearly and I admire him for everything he stands for. I have changed substancially. I cant say if its for the better or for the worst but its part of growing up and it is me. I changed for me. I definately followed the right path and I'm starting to take care of my self. Love is the most important emotion I can even think of and without it you are just a vessel. I love my mother, I love la familia, I love those I cherish, I love my pets, I love my 3d teacher elsa johnson, I love the few people willing to take chances, shit as of the other day I love al gore. Ultimately I love life even though I have felt as if love has escaped mine at times.
I am majoring in Sculpture and doing a concentration in Art Therapy. I'm not very close to many people at school, but surprisingly I will be living with julia and I feel a great bond with her. Uarts is a great school I'm just not very fond of the people there (besides the Sculpture department.) The dorms sucked and I am very glad I dont have to live in them next year. If I could label myself at this very second other than putting the title misunderstood I think I would stick with the reoccuring theme of my life: Enigma.
And last but not least am I happy? Well that is a loaded question if I do say so myself. I have happy moments in my life but I am far from happiness but that is because I have become a perfectionist. I am searching for ultimate happiness. I am happy when I have a paint brush or a chisel in my hand, I am happy when I have good company, music makes me happy, its a matter of finding happiness that will fill every other occasion of my life.
Oh GhostofMe, The fear is overwhelming but I try to face the fear everyday. I know you dont always believe me when I say this but somedays I do find the beauty you told me to look for. Its hard but every once in a while I see the glimmer of it. I've done more than second guess myself but its time that changes. No more questioning my own intentions, I know where I am and the future will hold something important. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning but this love is the thing that keeps me afloat and I wont let anything cloud that love anymore. I will lift the vail of smoke and accept the sorrows. I will smile at them and understand that I cannot let them weigh my life anymore. You are my voice of reason and I will love you for that dearly. Never leave me for I will be lost without you.
Sincerely,
Megan Elizabeth McWade
Dear FutureMe,
This is being sent on august 8th, 2005 but you arent recieving it until your 21st bday on june 19th, 2006. Its been almost a year but more importantly you just finished your first year of college and you hit a major turning point(agewise) in your life. XXX till XXI? Is this the case? or did you stay true to yourself? Are you proud of the decisions you made and the steps you took in your life? What was the first year of school like? How scared were you when you first got there? what do you feel like now that you have been back home for a few weeks? Is your home still in connecticut? What happened in your family over the coarse of a year? Where is timmy now? More importantly, where is michael? Are you mad at yourself for the way you pushed him out of your life? What happened with davey over this year? Is he all talk? Is home where the heart is? How is the teen center now? what happened to all the old friends and aquintances? Do you feel you've changed? If so was it for the better or the worse? Do you think you followed the right path? Are you taking care of yourself now? Whats love? Who do you love? What is your major going to be? Who are you close to now and why? so whats Uarts like? Dorm life? If you could label yourself at this very second what would the label say? and last but certainly not least. Are you happy?
I hope things worked out in a manner in which you feel good about. You've worked hard. Dont second guess yourself. You are filled with so much love in your heart and I know things got rough but dont ever let anything take that away from you. Your mother loves you, even though you dont believe it your father does, and your friends love you. You are a beautiful person outside and in and not because you need to make yourself believe that (I no you dont believe it at all.) Very important people have said you were a beautiful person and I think you should trust them because they would never lie to you about something like that. Tell your mother you love her. Dont be afraid anymore. I love you and I'm happy you werent scared anymore to face life finally.
here forever and always,
yourself
And here is my reply:
Dear GhostofMe,
Today I turned 21 but it felt like any other day. XXX and even stronger about it. I stayed truer and truer to myself as the days passed. Many decisions I am very proud of and my life has reached a point that I dont think I would know who I was if I wasnt where I am. My past really does feel as if it is a ghost ship set sail. The first year of school was hell. In a good and a bad sense. I was reborn somewhere where I actually knew no one and in my rebirth I came out a hermit. I faced a lot of hard truths about certain people in my life and about my own emotions. At first I wasnt scared when I got to philly but I felt like a little ant in a giant anthill. The nights were the scariest parts because thats when I had to face myself. I have been very disgruntled since I've been home because as I suspected my life here has deteriorated and connecticut is my home but that home is fading and I have to make my own somewhere else. My family has been through many ups and downs. My father is still the same person. Timmy is going to try and become an electrician and hes been a manager at monroe muffler in stratford. My cousin danny is following the path of many down drug addiction but michael is far beyond that. Michael is addiction. His life is completely consumed by it. He helped create sleepless nights for me through out my entire first year of college and I'm sure there will be many more. He went to rehab and lived in a sober house but fucked that all up for that douche bag. Now hes back to his same antics and hes even worst. Hes betrayed all of my trust and hes pretty much dead to me.At first I was upset that I was angry at him and tried to push him from my life but I tried to except him back into it and I even went to see him at his rehab. Hes ultimately pushed me out of his life. Dave proved to be all talk but amusing talk at that. Im better off that way. Home is definately where the heart is and my heart is with the heart of others. I ache when I am away from the people I love but I need to be away so I can further my life. No pain, no gain. The teen center is the teen center, it pretty much is a center for shows but all that is important is it gives kids a place to go and have fun whether its sitting around or having a show.
A lot of old friends and aquintances have fallen behind and I dont see or hear from many of them. La familia is still around and kicking but I've gotten closer to some and others have pretty much removed themselves from my life. A very unexpected thing happen though, Andy. He has taken a very major role in my life and without him I dont know where my head would be. I thank him for that dearly and I admire him for everything he stands for. I have changed substancially. I cant say if its for the better or for the worst but its part of growing up and it is me. I changed for me. I definately followed the right path and I'm starting to take care of my self. Love is the most important emotion I can even think of and without it you are just a vessel. I love my mother, I love la familia, I love those I cherish, I love my pets, I love my 3d teacher elsa johnson, I love the few people willing to take chances, shit as of the other day I love al gore. Ultimately I love life even though I have felt as if love has escaped mine at times.
I am majoring in Sculpture and doing a concentration in Art Therapy. I'm not very close to many people at school, but surprisingly I will be living with julia and I feel a great bond with her. Uarts is a great school I'm just not very fond of the people there (besides the Sculpture department.) The dorms sucked and I am very glad I dont have to live in them next year. If I could label myself at this very second other than putting the title misunderstood I think I would stick with the reoccuring theme of my life: Enigma.
And last but not least am I happy? Well that is a loaded question if I do say so myself. I have happy moments in my life but I am far from happiness but that is because I have become a perfectionist. I am searching for ultimate happiness. I am happy when I have a paint brush or a chisel in my hand, I am happy when I have good company, music makes me happy, its a matter of finding happiness that will fill every other occasion of my life.
Oh GhostofMe, The fear is overwhelming but I try to face the fear everyday. I know you dont always believe me when I say this but somedays I do find the beauty you told me to look for. Its hard but every once in a while I see the glimmer of it. I've done more than second guess myself but its time that changes. No more questioning my own intentions, I know where I am and the future will hold something important. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning but this love is the thing that keeps me afloat and I wont let anything cloud that love anymore. I will lift the vail of smoke and accept the sorrows. I will smile at them and understand that I cannot let them weigh my life anymore. You are my voice of reason and I will love you for that dearly. Never leave me for I will be lost without you.
Sincerely,
Megan Elizabeth McWade