i know you well enough to know you never loved me,,,,
okay so i stayed up all last night and i realized a lot. I started thinking about my past and theres just some things that really still bother me. And then i think thats why i do the things i do sometimes and i hate myself for it......but, im going to school......ill talk more about it later. But, i love jake and i was ALMOST a crazy stupid psychotic gf..and im sorry. but, like i said ill add more later.....i realized i dont have time now..lol...this is real depressing and mostly for me so, you probbaly won;t understand it all and it's all jumbled thoughts and past experiences that don;t get explained and it's over all hard to follow unless you are me...so, don;t mind.
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so i went to school and it turns out i had a presidents forum field trip thing! Which was hillarious because the people were SO clueless and just...not intelligent whatsoever!...and lucky me, it brought up discussions about abuse, casual sex, drinking, kindness, leadership, ect.ect. I'm like, this is perfect. I stayed up all night thinking about a lot of those things! YAY
Basically im just confused about life right now. I don;t know what i want. Then, thinking about everything that has happened throughout highschool last night....not just in schoool but during those years..it's amazing what can happen. Then i compare those things to present experiences..i liked to think i changed for the best, but im not so sure anymore. I know that I've handled things well and I am so proud of myself since I made so many good decisions with the aide of...me.But,I rely on people a lot more now for help....of course I recently started being able to do so...but then i think, what happens when i don't have this option? I guess last night i just layed there and felt sorry for myself and i started remembering all the shit that has happened to me. I know that a lot of people that probably went through worse experiences and I have it great...but I don;t know anything else... so the things I went through have affected me. I just wish someone was there for me then because now it's like, there's no reason to bring it up, it's been dealt with....but sometimes I want to tell my friends so that they understand why i am the way i am.It's like, I want someone to break down on..but then I really don't.I'm a huge believer that the things that you go through affect how you are now. And i hate the way i am now....i want to blame everyone else but i know its not their faults completely. i know it's what you make of situations. Take, relationships for an example...i suck at them...but im so dependant on them. anyone who knows me knows that i haven't gone a week or so without being with a guy in one way or another. I don;t want to be that way...now i dont need to worry about that. i guess what makes mine and jakes relationship hard is im used to having someone with me when ever i want them there. And now i can't and that specific thing affects me so much sometimes and it aggrivates me.Besides that my relationships have been soo fucked up in the past anyways. I was thinking about it and so many bad things came out of them..and nobody ever said anything to me to try to help. The most encouragement i got was, "he treats u like shit"...my reply, "yup."..subject dropped.Then thinking more im thinking, how can all these things happen to me? it has to be my fault somehow. Then thinking more about every person..i think i hurt someone who hurt me..make sense? lol...i treated that person like shit and worshipped them at the same time..and then blamed them for everything. looking back i think he might;ve actually cared...i ruined that..i was the one that made him leave. the way he did it was wrong, our relationship was NOT good at all, but i think if i could go back and re-do it we might've actually been able to have a great one. Now, it doesn;t matter because i don;t want them..im happy with jake. i really am. its just hard and sometimes i compare it to past people...and sometimes it reminds me of one in particular...and it scares me to death. then i realize that thats just me. I keep thinking, long term relationship...yea..look at how well that went with terry...i didn;t see everything that hapened then coming..so whats going to happen now? i can't handle that again. i just can;t. but i know it's two completely different people so ill drop it.
it bothers me that people never said anything with certain things i did. It wasn;t like they didn;t know....infact, my friends and family all just made things worse. I mean, I'd get the worst comments ever and they were from the people i trusted..."this ones trish bc shes a whore." best friend talking about some pics on her book of monkeys..."what is that little cat scratches....why don;t you make them more impressive..or better yet, just slit your fucking wrists." ex-boyfriend...real sweet.The sad thing is, all i wanted to do was die..just so that he'd miss me....i hate the fact that i actually tried so many times to give him that satisfaction...too deep so im not going into that on this... "why are your eyes red? You're on ccoke aren;t you? i know you're on drugs. youll never make it anywhere." mom...as im picking up her beer cans and she doesnt have a job....i mean, people just kept telling me things like this over an over!!! I NEVER talked to anybody about it..i literally had noone to tell! theres so many things that people just don;t know..that they just assume and i hate it. My sisters are crazy and such bitches, but they have always had someone to tell things too. i keep it all inside and then when i think about one little thing, it all comes out and i don;t know how to handle it. Then i blame people for things that they shouldnt be blamed for. I just compare things now to things that happened before. And if they are the least bit similar i freak out and try to get rid of it..or think about getting rid of it. And then i break down and it's hard to get back to the state of happiness i was at. It's confusing i know. And im obviously not good at just sitting down and typing out what im thinking..my thoughts are always jumbled..i would have to rewrite everything to make it make sense and go in some type of order. But, this is my lj so i guess it doesnt matter.........it actually kinda helps me to type things out and then look at them later...but ill be weirded out when people ask me about it. lol. I don;t really care though. pretty much im confused about life and i don;t know how to fix myself...i want too..i just don;t know how and then that makes me hate myself even more. and i know everyone feels this way at times.
thats all im going to talk about....it was a lot.....i hope you didn;t actually read all of it! lol...but if you did..sorry..it's depressing. but everyone has problems , i just decided to semi-type mine online..lol. LATER!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~FUNNY STUFF!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...dude! i told kroupa id make all his qoutes or w/e in my profile.they wont fit.....so heres the one for today: mine and kroups convo:
i dunno is there ne hott girls that work there
trishthedish6312: i dont find them hot......but, i dont have a penis
kreeper2107: ya u do
trishthedish6312: .where the fuck do i hide it then?
kreeper2107: up ur ass
.
.and also, frank's qoute he wanted in here as well, "alec, you have a lot to learn...and i shall teach you with my HUGE penis!" -alecs facial expression, "oh god no!"....
jill"i punched my bf in the boner" "sounds horny" "i thought tappers felt good."
.
and best art room time
"oh man trish, i just want pb"
"i have this sandwich if u give me one doll-hair"
"okay.." gives dollar and starts to eat. about 5 minutes later.....
"trish, can i borrow a dollar?"
"no, kroup i dont have any money."
"oh ok...{a bit later}.this sandwich is amazing!"
-later that period-
"jill you spelled sandwich wrong. its s-a-n-w-t-t-c-h-e-s"
ahhhhh behold...the power of drugs!
French class! :read the jock strap comment in the profile first of all! but just recently, Kroupa stole trishs last few glorious little snack stix things...trish only wants half of the last one..kroupa acts as if he is going to feed it to her "airplane style" like a little child. Trish=excited to eat the food and not have to use hands. Kroupa turns away last minute and shoves it in his mouth.
Trish, "Kroupa...your airplane fucking sucks."
Kroupa, "It had an engine failure. It had to go to the nearest airport!"
Also, to add to the movies when i bit Kroupa..I bit him right in the guns. Thats right, I ruined his calibur.
trishthedish6312: i wish i was there!
kreeper2107: im kiddin im not goin hahaha got u good u fucker
Redefining FTP{originally fuck the police}.....kroupa hearts FTP.{written by kroup on my notebook}
Trish, "what? you love FTP...?? whats that..kroupa loves fucking the pope?"
Join the "Kroupa makes a difference to Trish" club. Project Love sponsered! lmao!, everybodys doing it!
..later! i LOVE JAKE.....and everythings okay now! Im so happy i have someone to talk to now about everything!...is it weird that we think the same things at the same time pretty much? Fucking WE ARE PERFECT!!! i love you baby!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
so i went to school and it turns out i had a presidents forum field trip thing! Which was hillarious because the people were SO clueless and just...not intelligent whatsoever!...and lucky me, it brought up discussions about abuse, casual sex, drinking, kindness, leadership, ect.ect. I'm like, this is perfect. I stayed up all night thinking about a lot of those things! YAY
Basically im just confused about life right now. I don;t know what i want. Then, thinking about everything that has happened throughout highschool last night....not just in schoool but during those years..it's amazing what can happen. Then i compare those things to present experiences..i liked to think i changed for the best, but im not so sure anymore. I know that I've handled things well and I am so proud of myself since I made so many good decisions with the aide of...me.But,I rely on people a lot more now for help....of course I recently started being able to do so...but then i think, what happens when i don't have this option? I guess last night i just layed there and felt sorry for myself and i started remembering all the shit that has happened to me. I know that a lot of people that probably went through worse experiences and I have it great...but I don;t know anything else... so the things I went through have affected me. I just wish someone was there for me then because now it's like, there's no reason to bring it up, it's been dealt with....but sometimes I want to tell my friends so that they understand why i am the way i am.It's like, I want someone to break down on..but then I really don't.I'm a huge believer that the things that you go through affect how you are now. And i hate the way i am now....i want to blame everyone else but i know its not their faults completely. i know it's what you make of situations. Take, relationships for an example...i suck at them...but im so dependant on them. anyone who knows me knows that i haven't gone a week or so without being with a guy in one way or another. I don;t want to be that way...now i dont need to worry about that. i guess what makes mine and jakes relationship hard is im used to having someone with me when ever i want them there. And now i can't and that specific thing affects me so much sometimes and it aggrivates me.Besides that my relationships have been soo fucked up in the past anyways. I was thinking about it and so many bad things came out of them..and nobody ever said anything to me to try to help. The most encouragement i got was, "he treats u like shit"...my reply, "yup."..subject dropped.Then thinking more im thinking, how can all these things happen to me? it has to be my fault somehow. Then thinking more about every person..i think i hurt someone who hurt me..make sense? lol...i treated that person like shit and worshipped them at the same time..and then blamed them for everything. looking back i think he might;ve actually cared...i ruined that..i was the one that made him leave. the way he did it was wrong, our relationship was NOT good at all, but i think if i could go back and re-do it we might've actually been able to have a great one. Now, it doesn;t matter because i don;t want them..im happy with jake. i really am. its just hard and sometimes i compare it to past people...and sometimes it reminds me of one in particular...and it scares me to death. then i realize that thats just me. I keep thinking, long term relationship...yea..look at how well that went with terry...i didn;t see everything that hapened then coming..so whats going to happen now? i can't handle that again. i just can;t. but i know it's two completely different people so ill drop it.
it bothers me that people never said anything with certain things i did. It wasn;t like they didn;t know....infact, my friends and family all just made things worse. I mean, I'd get the worst comments ever and they were from the people i trusted..."this ones trish bc shes a whore." best friend talking about some pics on her book of monkeys..."what is that little cat scratches....why don;t you make them more impressive..or better yet, just slit your fucking wrists." ex-boyfriend...real sweet.The sad thing is, all i wanted to do was die..just so that he'd miss me....i hate the fact that i actually tried so many times to give him that satisfaction...too deep so im not going into that on this... "why are your eyes red? You're on ccoke aren;t you? i know you're on drugs. youll never make it anywhere." mom...as im picking up her beer cans and she doesnt have a job....i mean, people just kept telling me things like this over an over!!! I NEVER talked to anybody about it..i literally had noone to tell! theres so many things that people just don;t know..that they just assume and i hate it. My sisters are crazy and such bitches, but they have always had someone to tell things too. i keep it all inside and then when i think about one little thing, it all comes out and i don;t know how to handle it. Then i blame people for things that they shouldnt be blamed for. I just compare things now to things that happened before. And if they are the least bit similar i freak out and try to get rid of it..or think about getting rid of it. And then i break down and it's hard to get back to the state of happiness i was at. It's confusing i know. And im obviously not good at just sitting down and typing out what im thinking..my thoughts are always jumbled..i would have to rewrite everything to make it make sense and go in some type of order. But, this is my lj so i guess it doesnt matter.........it actually kinda helps me to type things out and then look at them later...but ill be weirded out when people ask me about it. lol. I don;t really care though. pretty much im confused about life and i don;t know how to fix myself...i want too..i just don;t know how and then that makes me hate myself even more. and i know everyone feels this way at times.
thats all im going to talk about....it was a lot.....i hope you didn;t actually read all of it! lol...but if you did..sorry..it's depressing. but everyone has problems , i just decided to semi-type mine online..lol. LATER!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~FUNNY STUFF!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
...dude! i told kroupa id make all his qoutes or w/e in my profile.they wont fit.....so heres the one for today: mine and kroups convo:
i dunno is there ne hott girls that work there
trishthedish6312: i dont find them hot......but, i dont have a penis
kreeper2107: ya u do
trishthedish6312: .where the fuck do i hide it then?
kreeper2107: up ur ass
.
.and also, frank's qoute he wanted in here as well, "alec, you have a lot to learn...and i shall teach you with my HUGE penis!" -alecs facial expression, "oh god no!"....
jill"i punched my bf in the boner" "sounds horny" "i thought tappers felt good."
.
and best art room time
"oh man trish, i just want pb"
"i have this sandwich if u give me one doll-hair"
"okay.." gives dollar and starts to eat. about 5 minutes later.....
"trish, can i borrow a dollar?"
"no, kroup i dont have any money."
"oh ok...{a bit later}.this sandwich is amazing!"
-later that period-
"jill you spelled sandwich wrong. its s-a-n-w-t-t-c-h-e-s"
ahhhhh behold...the power of drugs!
French class! :read the jock strap comment in the profile first of all! but just recently, Kroupa stole trishs last few glorious little snack stix things...trish only wants half of the last one..kroupa acts as if he is going to feed it to her "airplane style" like a little child. Trish=excited to eat the food and not have to use hands. Kroupa turns away last minute and shoves it in his mouth.
Trish, "Kroupa...your airplane fucking sucks."
Kroupa, "It had an engine failure. It had to go to the nearest airport!"
Also, to add to the movies when i bit Kroupa..I bit him right in the guns. Thats right, I ruined his calibur.
trishthedish6312: i wish i was there!
kreeper2107: im kiddin im not goin hahaha got u good u fucker
Redefining FTP{originally fuck the police}.....kroupa hearts FTP.{written by kroup on my notebook}
Trish, "what? you love FTP...?? whats that..kroupa loves fucking the pope?"
Join the "Kroupa makes a difference to Trish" club. Project Love sponsered! lmao!, everybodys doing it!
..later! i LOVE JAKE.....and everythings okay now! Im so happy i have someone to talk to now about everything!...is it weird that we think the same things at the same time pretty much? Fucking WE ARE PERFECT!!! i love you baby!