How I became boring (and a lot happier)
I've started thinking recently about how much I used to pride myself on my openness. My life was one big open book, and anyone could walk up to me and flip through the pages. I'd tell people more than they wanted to know before they asked, and far more than was appropriate if they did dare pose a question. I had no secrets, no corners of my life that weren't exposed for public scrutiny.
Funny how I don't miss that.
I think having a public journal has started bringing back memories for me. I used to blog publicly all the time, about everything in my life, regardless of whether or not anyone needed (or wanted) to know those details. Then I got burned, and I shut myself away, but not in time. I later learned how easy it is to be tracked down on the internet, and how sometimes people really don't have anything better to do than become obsessed with people they really should just be leaving in peace.
I don't care so much about openness now. It's not that I'm closed off; anyone who knows me can tell you that's not true. But I no longer feel the need to shove my identity down the throat of everyone within a five mile radius. I've realized that complete strangers have no need to know certain things about me, and I don't feel any better for broadcasting certain facts. I've learned the value of privacy, both for myself and for my family.
There still isn't anything a friend could ask me that I wouldn't answer honestly. I still don't lie. But sometimes I keep secrets from people who aren't my closest friends. Not important secrets, but secrets nonetheless. That other mom I sometimes say hello to on the way to the park doesn't need to know my stance on the great existential questions, my personal philosophy on parenthood, or the fact that I think her hair dye makes her look like Tammy Faye. My classmate doesn't need to know my ethnic background, my opinions on higher learning, or that I think he's a pretentious jackass. I don't care if my father knows I hate him, if my neighbor knows I recycle, or if the complete stranger passing me on the street knows my sexual preference.
I used to think that my openness was an essential part of my character, but I now realize that I was wrong. Maybe it is for some people, but not for me. I'm happy just being who I am, and leaving people to get to know that person in their own time. Sometimes a person will know me for a while, and get a stark shock by a part of my personality or life that they didn't know about. It's the sort of thing that keeps interpersonal relationships interesting - a little bit of mystery.
Maybe this is also because I no longer focus on having such deep, close friendships. I don't have the time. A dear friend was kind enough recently to fly across the ocean to visit me for a week and a half, and I subjected her to many boring afternoons of child-chasing. That's who I am now - a busy mom who's happy to spend time with friends, but who just can't take the time out from being a mom to do it. I don't have the time to plaster myself all over the internet, all over the world, attempting to find lost soulmates or kindred spirits. I have time for those friends who want to pay me a visit during my daughter's naptime, who are happy to spend the evening in, chowing on my home-cooked meals and watching reruns of House.
I think I used to feel unfulfilled, and I was trying to fill my gaps with friends. I thought that if I was totally open, people would see all my eccentricities and think, "Wow, she's amazing, I want to be her best friend!" I don't want best friends anymore. I don't have the time or energy to be anyone else's "best friend," that label is too much work. I'm half of the entire universe to my daughter, and that's a big enough responsibility to keep me busy for quite some time to come.
I wish I knew more people who understood this, who appreciated the value of good conversation and an evening in. I spent so much time building friendships with eccentric people that when I became mainstream, we drifted along the way. My ideals haven't changed, my opinions haven't changed, I'm the same liberal crazy I always was. But now I'd rather talk politics and social inequalities over a cup of coffee while my daughter chases the dog around the house and carries in all her stuffed animals to share. That is my idea of a good time.
And I'm quite happy being just that boring.