It's hard to believe, that there's no way out for you and me...
There's some people that, no how matter how hard you try, you never truly get over. We think that it's something we're doing wrong, or that something's missing from our new relationships, if we can't let go of the past. But that's just the problem: there is no letting go. There is no moving on. All we can do is move foward, take one day at a time, and let the pain fade away. It becomes a part of all of us, and the challenege is learning to live with it. It's not about forgetting the people we used to love, it's about figuring out how to remember them. How to remember 'what was', in our hearts, but let the present rule our decisions. When you get too caught up in the past, you end up being unhappy. People tend to forget all of the reasons why their previous relationships didn't work, and only remember the times they were happy. It's almost poisonous, living like that. Believe me, I know.
There are days when all I think about is how much I fucked up. How much I ruined us. How much I ruined myself, to the point where I don't even recognize the person I have become. I just wanted to be different, to change myself so much that I wasn't me anymore. I thought if I became someone else, then my past wouldn't be mine anymore. That since I was a different person, all of the things that happened to the 'old me' wouldn't count anymore. But I was way wrong. At the end of the day, you are who you are, no matter what. All of these things may have made me feel better temporarily, but you can't run away from things. They always catch up to you.
I'm sorry that I blamed you for everything. I'm sorry for being so selfish, and for expecting more than any one person could possibly give. I'm sorry for loving you too much, to the point where I acted insane. I'm sorry, so sorry, for never realizing just how much you loved me. How much you did for me, and how much you would have done if I had only let you. I'm sorry for only caring about my own pain, and never recognizing all of the things that I did to you. All of the ways I hurt you just as much as you hurt me. I'm sorry that when you needed me to take a chance on you, I was too scared to take it. Mostly, I'm just sorry.
The past holds us back. But trying to pretend it never happened, or that it was different from what it really was, makes it even worse. It takes a long time to forgive the people you love for hurting you. It takes even longer to forgive yourself.
There are days when all I think about is how much I fucked up. How much I ruined us. How much I ruined myself, to the point where I don't even recognize the person I have become. I just wanted to be different, to change myself so much that I wasn't me anymore. I thought if I became someone else, then my past wouldn't be mine anymore. That since I was a different person, all of the things that happened to the 'old me' wouldn't count anymore. But I was way wrong. At the end of the day, you are who you are, no matter what. All of these things may have made me feel better temporarily, but you can't run away from things. They always catch up to you.
I'm sorry that I blamed you for everything. I'm sorry for being so selfish, and for expecting more than any one person could possibly give. I'm sorry for loving you too much, to the point where I acted insane. I'm sorry, so sorry, for never realizing just how much you loved me. How much you did for me, and how much you would have done if I had only let you. I'm sorry for only caring about my own pain, and never recognizing all of the things that I did to you. All of the ways I hurt you just as much as you hurt me. I'm sorry that when you needed me to take a chance on you, I was too scared to take it. Mostly, I'm just sorry.
The past holds us back. But trying to pretend it never happened, or that it was different from what it really was, makes it even worse. It takes a long time to forgive the people you love for hurting you. It takes even longer to forgive yourself.