// Just leave me your wake to remember you by...
I have not updated this thing in FOREVER. Lots has happened since my last update. I had my first real boyfriend; he was amazing. I still love him alot. But we aren't a thing anymore. I'm in a state of trying to regain a level of friendship with him, I do care about him terribly. I love him so much. It's complicated and not something I want to talk about. heh In other relatinship news... I Love. heh
There is soooooo much I could talk about. The past months have been exciting. .... but I'm just gonna pretend that I told you about all the crazy adventures. And skip to this weekend. heh
FRIDAY EVENING
Well... Friday wasn't so great until I left C21, for the very last time. They kicked me out. They've known I'm older then the age limit for a while. I never hid my age; never lied to anyone there. AL knew my age, so did Ryan, Maria, Andrew.... every volunteer that would ask knew that I was old. They also knew that I didn't cause any trouble or anything, that I didn't boot for people at all, that's why he let me keep attending. ... but one friday (two weeks ago-ish) they 'discussed it' after youth closed. They came to the conclusion somehow that I'm not allowed there anymore. Neither is Nathan. Maria was the one who told me. She was all like 'I hate to be the one to tell you this but you can't come anymore' and ... I dunno. It was her who brought it up at the meeting because she added me to Facebook and saw my age, and she knew I had dated Ty who is only 15. I can see why they'd have a problem with that. But me and Ty met through different means and I had never gone there with the intention to hook up. I just went to be with my friends because that's the only time I get to see them. But that's the past.
Anyways... it's okay. I mean I felt as though I lost all my friends but I don't hate C21 for this decision. I accept it. It's the rules. ... all my friends have a problem with it; everyone was mad and angry and there was hatred in their hearts... which is not good. I was crying.... I was hurt alot at the time because I'm not a bad person, and it made me feel like a bad person... so I was crying alot; Steph cried too. But all I can do is accept it... and move on, I guess. =3
It's not the end of my love for my friends; there is no end to love. It'll be fine. I'll still see them since now my fridays are gonna be filled with more fun unrestricted partying and stuff, like the old me. It'll be better for Ty too, because me being there... I know it was awkward. I was giving him space and time... I wanted to hug him and be his friend everytime I saw him, but he needed time. ...now I've sorta... lost any moment I could have had to be his friend. And I was really really hurt that I couldn't say goodbye to him for the final time. He was the only person I really wanted to say goodbye to. And now I'll never get the chance. I know me and him are not 'friends' anymore... but I really wanted to say goodbye to him because we're probably not ever going to hang out again. That's okay, and I accept his feelings. As long as he accepts mine; I love him irregardless of our dissassociation. =3 I always will.
...love is always going to exist; I need not cling to the lost moments.
I will miss seeing everyone there though.
FRIDAY NIGHT
After C21 I went to a party and did a cap of E. At first I was freaking out and totally tripping... because it was coke E and was really messing with me. Team FLASHING DILDOS were drawing with 3D chalk and I was tripping out harsh. heh The sidewalk was talking to me, asking me 'What is the circumfrence of a moose?' and I stood there for like 20 minutes freaked out, not realizing that someone had drawn it. I actually thought the sidewalk was trying to tell me something. The lights across the street were separating into different colours. And time was getting totally distorted. Nothing was connecting chronologically properly.
Then Derick somehow got me to do a second red E cap which ended up being amazing. The second cap calmed me after a while, and relaxed me and I had an amazing revelating ephiphany. To start, I started to feel dead. Like I really felt helpless and dead; Like, I really thought I was dead. BUT then I started thinking about how hurt I've been feeling in the past... and then I started thinking about love and how much more powerful it is. ...and then I was okay with being dead; it was okay because there was love in the universe. I realized... that in the end... love overpowers hatred; and in the end all that's going to be left is love. It was such a beautiful release of energy from inside my heart. ...the drug opened my heart that night. It cleansed and cleared all the hurt feelings in my heart. The past doesn't matter. Love is ever present and is all that will remain forever. I still feel the love that I openly embraced that night. It gave me a new motto for life...
Love is Timeless; it exists in a state that is ever present. The moments past and lost don't matter because love is always going to exist; I don't need to cling to the lost past. ... as long as you have love, and share love, and express love... I think the universe will come to a balance. ^_^;
My heart feels really balanced now. A state of Equilibrate Karma; love is positive no matter what. <3
Now note that it was more to do with the emotion then actual sex; about the love / Hate contrast. The only thing that matters in the universe, is going to be love. And expressing love... in all it's forms is good no matter what. I was thinking about things... about how everyone deserves love, and how it can never be a bad thing. It doesn't have to be a sexual love, just a caring love. I love so many people. I even told Derick I love him. I told them I love George. <3 I do. George and Derick are my best friends.
I was talking a lot outloud to Derick and Lorissa... and then I was like BOOM! Love is the answer to everything! Sexual orientation, sexual gender, physical appearance, lifestyle choices, hatred, hurt, pain... it doesn't matter; we are all connected by love in the end. Love is the solution to everything for the present. I just want everyone who needs love to feel loved and I have so much love to give. I could kiss or hug anyone. I want to show everyone that there is love in our world. It's amazing. I have this loving outlook on things right now. I just need to let everyone know that I love them. Even people who have hurt me, or been hurt by me in the past.
The crazy thing is, I'm totally not high anymore, even though I sound like a crazy hippy. hahahaha I just changed my thinking, my thoughts, my feelings, and my outlook on life. I'm not hurt over the past anymore. Everything is okay. Still, I'm not going to be doing E or anything frequently. So don't worry about that. heh
SATURDAY EVENING
Me and Derick went to the mall, we hung out for a while then Derick caught the bus back to go see Crystal, and I walked over to Candice's. It was Amy's birthday and when I got there everyone was already drunk basically. or at least tipsy. .... Dylan said some hateful things about my BFF Derick and I had to get out of there. Hatred is not good at all. So Bobby, and Connie, and I walked to McDonald's and then I left to go to a hippy concert at McCAllum. I met up with Team FLASHING DILDOS again, and we wandered around downtown doing stuff. then we went in the concert. The first band was awesome, but the second band was garbage. And the hippies were dancing and smacking us with their dread locks. LOL Then I had to leave to meet up with Derick, Crystal, and Lorissa. I got a sparkler. ^_^ It was cool. Then Derick and I walked around my neighborhood and then hung out at a baseball feild across from Yale for a LONG time. Derick was hillarious. ^_^ But I started getting cold and tired so we went home. It was a nice night after I left Candice and Dylan's house.
Next weekend if there is a party, I still have my mango delicious Barcardi that tastes like popsicles. Or as Derick would say, "Sailor moon drinking Sunny Delight?!" hehehehe<3 It should also be fun. ^_^
There is soooooo much I could talk about. The past months have been exciting. .... but I'm just gonna pretend that I told you about all the crazy adventures. And skip to this weekend. heh
FRIDAY EVENING
Well... Friday wasn't so great until I left C21, for the very last time. They kicked me out. They've known I'm older then the age limit for a while. I never hid my age; never lied to anyone there. AL knew my age, so did Ryan, Maria, Andrew.... every volunteer that would ask knew that I was old. They also knew that I didn't cause any trouble or anything, that I didn't boot for people at all, that's why he let me keep attending. ... but one friday (two weeks ago-ish) they 'discussed it' after youth closed. They came to the conclusion somehow that I'm not allowed there anymore. Neither is Nathan. Maria was the one who told me. She was all like 'I hate to be the one to tell you this but you can't come anymore' and ... I dunno. It was her who brought it up at the meeting because she added me to Facebook and saw my age, and she knew I had dated Ty who is only 15. I can see why they'd have a problem with that. But me and Ty met through different means and I had never gone there with the intention to hook up. I just went to be with my friends because that's the only time I get to see them. But that's the past.
Anyways... it's okay. I mean I felt as though I lost all my friends but I don't hate C21 for this decision. I accept it. It's the rules. ... all my friends have a problem with it; everyone was mad and angry and there was hatred in their hearts... which is not good. I was crying.... I was hurt alot at the time because I'm not a bad person, and it made me feel like a bad person... so I was crying alot; Steph cried too. But all I can do is accept it... and move on, I guess. =3
It's not the end of my love for my friends; there is no end to love. It'll be fine. I'll still see them since now my fridays are gonna be filled with more fun unrestricted partying and stuff, like the old me. It'll be better for Ty too, because me being there... I know it was awkward. I was giving him space and time... I wanted to hug him and be his friend everytime I saw him, but he needed time. ...now I've sorta... lost any moment I could have had to be his friend. And I was really really hurt that I couldn't say goodbye to him for the final time. He was the only person I really wanted to say goodbye to. And now I'll never get the chance. I know me and him are not 'friends' anymore... but I really wanted to say goodbye to him because we're probably not ever going to hang out again. That's okay, and I accept his feelings. As long as he accepts mine; I love him irregardless of our dissassociation. =3 I always will.
...love is always going to exist; I need not cling to the lost moments.
I will miss seeing everyone there though.
FRIDAY NIGHT
After C21 I went to a party and did a cap of E. At first I was freaking out and totally tripping... because it was coke E and was really messing with me. Team FLASHING DILDOS were drawing with 3D chalk and I was tripping out harsh. heh The sidewalk was talking to me, asking me 'What is the circumfrence of a moose?' and I stood there for like 20 minutes freaked out, not realizing that someone had drawn it. I actually thought the sidewalk was trying to tell me something. The lights across the street were separating into different colours. And time was getting totally distorted. Nothing was connecting chronologically properly.
Then Derick somehow got me to do a second red E cap which ended up being amazing. The second cap calmed me after a while, and relaxed me and I had an amazing revelating ephiphany. To start, I started to feel dead. Like I really felt helpless and dead; Like, I really thought I was dead. BUT then I started thinking about how hurt I've been feeling in the past... and then I started thinking about love and how much more powerful it is. ...and then I was okay with being dead; it was okay because there was love in the universe. I realized... that in the end... love overpowers hatred; and in the end all that's going to be left is love. It was such a beautiful release of energy from inside my heart. ...the drug opened my heart that night. It cleansed and cleared all the hurt feelings in my heart. The past doesn't matter. Love is ever present and is all that will remain forever. I still feel the love that I openly embraced that night. It gave me a new motto for life...
Love is Timeless; it exists in a state that is ever present. The moments past and lost don't matter because love is always going to exist; I don't need to cling to the lost past. ... as long as you have love, and share love, and express love... I think the universe will come to a balance. ^_^;
My heart feels really balanced now. A state of Equilibrate Karma; love is positive no matter what. <3
Now note that it was more to do with the emotion then actual sex; about the love / Hate contrast. The only thing that matters in the universe, is going to be love. And expressing love... in all it's forms is good no matter what. I was thinking about things... about how everyone deserves love, and how it can never be a bad thing. It doesn't have to be a sexual love, just a caring love. I love so many people. I even told Derick I love him. I told them I love George. <3 I do. George and Derick are my best friends.
I was talking a lot outloud to Derick and Lorissa... and then I was like BOOM! Love is the answer to everything! Sexual orientation, sexual gender, physical appearance, lifestyle choices, hatred, hurt, pain... it doesn't matter; we are all connected by love in the end. Love is the solution to everything for the present. I just want everyone who needs love to feel loved and I have so much love to give. I could kiss or hug anyone. I want to show everyone that there is love in our world. It's amazing. I have this loving outlook on things right now. I just need to let everyone know that I love them. Even people who have hurt me, or been hurt by me in the past.
The crazy thing is, I'm totally not high anymore, even though I sound like a crazy hippy. hahahaha I just changed my thinking, my thoughts, my feelings, and my outlook on life. I'm not hurt over the past anymore. Everything is okay. Still, I'm not going to be doing E or anything frequently. So don't worry about that. heh
SATURDAY EVENING
Me and Derick went to the mall, we hung out for a while then Derick caught the bus back to go see Crystal, and I walked over to Candice's. It was Amy's birthday and when I got there everyone was already drunk basically. or at least tipsy. .... Dylan said some hateful things about my BFF Derick and I had to get out of there. Hatred is not good at all. So Bobby, and Connie, and I walked to McDonald's and then I left to go to a hippy concert at McCAllum. I met up with Team FLASHING DILDOS again, and we wandered around downtown doing stuff. then we went in the concert. The first band was awesome, but the second band was garbage. And the hippies were dancing and smacking us with their dread locks. LOL Then I had to leave to meet up with Derick, Crystal, and Lorissa. I got a sparkler. ^_^ It was cool. Then Derick and I walked around my neighborhood and then hung out at a baseball feild across from Yale for a LONG time. Derick was hillarious. ^_^ But I started getting cold and tired so we went home. It was a nice night after I left Candice and Dylan's house.
Next weekend if there is a party, I still have my mango delicious Barcardi that tastes like popsicles. Or as Derick would say, "Sailor moon drinking Sunny Delight?!" hehehehe<3 It should also be fun. ^_^