(no subject)
So let's do this thing.
My father is here and, as per usual, I find myself swallowing everything I would say to him. Instead of just being honest, I make passive aggressive jabs, daring him to give me a reason to say what I feel. He's smarter than that, though. He only makes his moves when he has me alone, and I've been careful for that never to happen.
A couple of weeks ago, after I emailed him information on the book, he emailed back saying how proud of me he was, and how he was going around town selling the book for me. I was delighted. Elated. Giddy with the praise. It's been so long, I had forgotten the pattern.
Almost as soon as he sat down in my living room, he started mocking me about it, and when I told him I'd ordered him one of the mugs and t-shirts the Publisher was selling (with the book cover on front) he actually laughed in my face. He hasn't stopped sharing his disappointment that I have written a vampire novel, though I have honestly stopped caring that he's being a twit about it. I mean, I wish I'd sold something "serious" but this is what caught someone's attention, and this is my big break. I have to take it for what it is worth and try to make something happen with it. (And big thank you to Pamela D and Elspeth for helping me manage some perspective.)
The pattern with my father is that he would praise me for something, then spend however long it took chipping that validation away, until I crashed and fell back into desperation for his praise. It worked so well. But I'm a 40 year old woman now, and I have made an exceptionally good life for myself in spite of him.
I'm not upset with him for being who he is. I do feel angry that he still pretends he was a super father, and I do feel angry that his wife only knows his side of the story, but really, those things don't matter. I know my truth.
I am upset with me for behaving this way. I feel that I should either tell him how much seeing him bothers me, and ask him never to come again, or I should just let all this crap go. I feel that I should be operating on a much higher moral ground than I am.
But the thing is, I do still crave that missing "father". I guess for as long as he is alive, I'll feel that pull, and want some part of him near me. And I honestly enjoy and like his wife. I don't WANT to tell them to go away and never come back.
I guess I want to be allowed to act like a brat and punish him, and have him at hand so I can enjoy his proximity while I do it. And when I put it that way, I realize I want to treat him the way he treated me all my life. He wanted me present for his whims, no matter what they were, but otherwise, did not want me at all.
Maybe I'll get my daddy issues worked out before I'm 50. That would be nice.
My father is here and, as per usual, I find myself swallowing everything I would say to him. Instead of just being honest, I make passive aggressive jabs, daring him to give me a reason to say what I feel. He's smarter than that, though. He only makes his moves when he has me alone, and I've been careful for that never to happen.
A couple of weeks ago, after I emailed him information on the book, he emailed back saying how proud of me he was, and how he was going around town selling the book for me. I was delighted. Elated. Giddy with the praise. It's been so long, I had forgotten the pattern.
Almost as soon as he sat down in my living room, he started mocking me about it, and when I told him I'd ordered him one of the mugs and t-shirts the Publisher was selling (with the book cover on front) he actually laughed in my face. He hasn't stopped sharing his disappointment that I have written a vampire novel, though I have honestly stopped caring that he's being a twit about it. I mean, I wish I'd sold something "serious" but this is what caught someone's attention, and this is my big break. I have to take it for what it is worth and try to make something happen with it. (And big thank you to Pamela D and Elspeth for helping me manage some perspective.)
The pattern with my father is that he would praise me for something, then spend however long it took chipping that validation away, until I crashed and fell back into desperation for his praise. It worked so well. But I'm a 40 year old woman now, and I have made an exceptionally good life for myself in spite of him.
I'm not upset with him for being who he is. I do feel angry that he still pretends he was a super father, and I do feel angry that his wife only knows his side of the story, but really, those things don't matter. I know my truth.
I am upset with me for behaving this way. I feel that I should either tell him how much seeing him bothers me, and ask him never to come again, or I should just let all this crap go. I feel that I should be operating on a much higher moral ground than I am.
But the thing is, I do still crave that missing "father". I guess for as long as he is alive, I'll feel that pull, and want some part of him near me. And I honestly enjoy and like his wife. I don't WANT to tell them to go away and never come back.
I guess I want to be allowed to act like a brat and punish him, and have him at hand so I can enjoy his proximity while I do it. And when I put it that way, I realize I want to treat him the way he treated me all my life. He wanted me present for his whims, no matter what they were, but otherwise, did not want me at all.
Maybe I'll get my daddy issues worked out before I'm 50. That would be nice.