A User's Guide To 80's Hair Metal Ballads.
Sometime during the late 1980's, cheesy LA glam rock bands realized that the most genuis thing a stupid cock rock band could do was to write a sappy, sentimental love ballad. Actually, KISS realized this in the late 70's with their (only, I think?) top ten mega-hit ballad "Beth". For some reason, it took another ten years before their latex-clad descendants would fully realize the marketing potential of this gimmick. The results speak for themselves: most of the 80's hair bands had forgettable "rocker" singles, but almost every one of them (seriously, like EVERY one of them...it's amazing if you really dig into it) had a hit (or at least quasi-hit) record using this gimmick.
There are a few rules to the metal ballad phenomenon. The primary rule is this: The song has to stand out in sharp juxtoposition to the rest of the album and/or the band's entire output. For every love ballad in a band's repotoire, there should be at least 8 fast, loud songs about sex/drugs/rocknroll/etc. The crux of the Glam Metal Ballad philosophy rests on the understanding that the song is a three minute novelty item and is vastly dissimiliar to the rest of the groups material. I guess the psychological reasoning behind that would work out somewhat like this: when sexed out, drugged out "bad boys" decide to get weepy, they must really mean it. As oppossed to say, Billy Joel, who's constantly writing ballads and must therefore be suspect of fradulent sentimentality.
Note that this works both ways, because whenever Billy Joel (or Elton John, or whoever) writes a "rock song" (example: "We Didn't Start The Fire"), it usually becomes a big hit. Bottom line is that people like the unexpected. Although doing the unexpected is now so expected that it's really just expected. So really the cool thing to do would be to do EXACTLY what people want out of you.
But I digress. There is a secondary rule to the metal ballad: it should stay a soft ballad for the duration of the song. If a song starts out soft and that gets heavy, it isn't called a ballad. That's just called having dynamics. As an example, "Stairway To Heaven" is not really a ballad, per say. The song starts off quiet and then ends as a typical 70's bombastic Led Zeppelin song. "Tangerine", however, would be a ballad. Don't ask me how I know so much about Led Zeppelin's catalog. I don't want to talk about it.
This, of course, is a loose rule. There are always exceptions.
Themes for ballads usually revolve around love (duh), or the lonliness of being on the rode. Lonliness Of The Road ballads usually wind themselves back to being love songs, anyways. Bad childhoods and rocker girls who o.d. on drugs are also good themes. If you're really pushing it, like glam's savior Brett Michaels, you might tackle religious faith and/or politics in your songs. This, obviously, comes off as really stupid. So it's best to just stick with songs about girls.
1.) L.A. Guns- "The Ballad of Jane"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zE-PrvCZs4&feature=related
What's stupider? The fact that the lead singer is walking around bare-chested while clutching flowers, or the violin section at the end of the song? Here we have a ballad of the "girl gone bad" variety. Our protagonist Jane has ended up "a shame" due to vague, unexplained circumstances. Unlike those clean cut, well-rounded nice boys in L.A. Guns, right? I dunno why the band is playing next to a pool, but I guess it works. I also don't know why the guitar player feels the need to play a fill every five seconds of the song, but I guess that works, too.
2.) Poison- "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiEpLI5exrU
The epitome of the entire genre, baby! Was it something he said, or something he did? Did the words not come out right? We'll never know. As much as I (and it would seem, every idiot on earth) enjoy this song, Poison did commit the ultimate glam ballad sin by double-dipping with this tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe71zCA5xFQ&feature=related
"Something To Believe In". This song really pushes it. For one thing, you're only really allowed one hit ballad. For another, this song is fucking ridiculous. Vietnam vets? Homeless people? Bret Michaels was on a serious head trip at this point. Stick to songs about groupies, my mascara-and-ripped-Levi's wearing friend!
3.) Cinderalla- "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUA0ai0XxRU
These bands sure were sage-like founts of insight into the human condition. Every rose has its thorn? You don't know what you've got until it's gone? Speak to me from the mountain top, Buddah. Your profound wisdom is blowing my mind.
Cinderalla are one of those bands who divided hair rock fans of the era. The guy's voice was so extremely fucking ridiculous that you either loved them or hated them. One thing's for sure: this love ballad was their only real hit. The singer made enough money off this song to afford a lifetime of outdoor pianos and Steven Tyler outfits.
Then again, money isn't everything. Hey, wait a second. That's a pretty deep thought. Money isn't everything? Great song idea. Does anyone have a pound of hairspray, a leather cod-piece, and an aucostic guitar? 1987 is soooooo gonna be our year.
4.) Lita Ford (featuring Ozzy Osbourne)- "Close My Eyes Forever"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loyTCkV06xQ
As much as lovingly poke fun at these twits, it's hard for me to put Lita Ford in the same category as Winger, Cinderalla, etc. I mean, she was in The Runaways for God's sake. She was also (little known fact) asked to be the guitar player in Kiss after Ace Frehely left. Which she turned down. So she at least has some pretty serious credibility. Plus, look at those hoop earrings. I'd like to see Kathleen Hannah or the chick from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's pull that off.
That being said, Lita Ford didn't have a hit until this swank metal ballad. Unlike the rest of these songs, this one is actually kinda good. Plus this song essentially reserected Ozzy Osbourne's flailing post-Randy Rhodes solo carear. Once again, the rockers ask the deep questions. If you close your eyes forever, will it all remain unchanged. I dunno, Lita, but that's heavy.
5.) White Lion- "When The Children Cry"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkvGpfGzgT4
Yet another 80's glammer that tries to take on subject matter that is a bit too heavy for guys who wear make-up. In this case, the fate of the entire human race. Like they say, "when the children cry, let em' know we tried". What White Lion "tried" to do is beyond me, but I'm sure it had something to do with hair spray, denim jackets, and a rehab center in West Hollywood. Thanks for the legacy, guys! We won't let the next generation forget what you've done for us.
6.) Guns n' Roses- "Patience"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEzuC5UoM8g
This was really a shocker. It came out right after "Apetite For Destruction". Who knew Axl was so sensitive? Who knew he could whistle? Who knew Duff could count to four? Wonders never cease. Seriously, though, this one is actually pretty good. One thing I never understood is why Axl felt the need to do weird snake-like sex moves with his hips throughout the video for a melodramatic love song, but whatever. Anyways, smashing neon hotel room telephones and playing with snakes in bed whilst models vie for your attention must have been the primary fantasies of suburban males in the late 80's, cuz this video was huge.
7.) Tuff - "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GC-9NBhxTxw
When I first saw this, I thought it was a satire of the very genre I'm talking about; alas, Tuff were a real band. A really, really stupid band. This song takes the cake as far as cliched lyrics. Sadly, this band did not make it very big. Although they had fabulous hair cuts.
8.) Motely Crue- "Home Sweet Home"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4457H6Gxd8
Who can't relate to this song? Seriously, every time I'm on a huge tour bus playing for stadiums full of screaming fans, all I can think about is going back home for a little peace and quiet. It's such agony being a rich rock star. I wish a band would write a song about this dilemma, as it is so universal and applies to almost everyone. And I wish they would put a cheesy piano part at the end. Wait, Motely who? I must look into this, asap.
9.) Kiss- "Forever"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KxeI2oKNN4&feature=related
Only Kiss could copy the bands that copied what Kiss had already done ten years ago. Leave it to these guys to both lead the pack AND follow it at the same time. Here we have Kiss's shitty, Michael Bolton-penned love song "Forever", which is so lame even I don't like it (and I just made four LJ posts about Kiss).
10.) Slaughter- "Fly To The Angels"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n09QVCD5KVo&feature=related
Oh, you thought Slaughter could only talk about being up all night and sleeping all day? Foolish 1989-era MTV viewer! You've yet to see the emotional depths this band is capable of. You've YET to fly to the angels! Btw, did NASA build this guy's drum kit? Fucking ridiculous.
There are a few rules to the metal ballad phenomenon. The primary rule is this: The song has to stand out in sharp juxtoposition to the rest of the album and/or the band's entire output. For every love ballad in a band's repotoire, there should be at least 8 fast, loud songs about sex/drugs/rocknroll/etc. The crux of the Glam Metal Ballad philosophy rests on the understanding that the song is a three minute novelty item and is vastly dissimiliar to the rest of the groups material. I guess the psychological reasoning behind that would work out somewhat like this: when sexed out, drugged out "bad boys" decide to get weepy, they must really mean it. As oppossed to say, Billy Joel, who's constantly writing ballads and must therefore be suspect of fradulent sentimentality.
Note that this works both ways, because whenever Billy Joel (or Elton John, or whoever) writes a "rock song" (example: "We Didn't Start The Fire"), it usually becomes a big hit. Bottom line is that people like the unexpected. Although doing the unexpected is now so expected that it's really just expected. So really the cool thing to do would be to do EXACTLY what people want out of you.
But I digress. There is a secondary rule to the metal ballad: it should stay a soft ballad for the duration of the song. If a song starts out soft and that gets heavy, it isn't called a ballad. That's just called having dynamics. As an example, "Stairway To Heaven" is not really a ballad, per say. The song starts off quiet and then ends as a typical 70's bombastic Led Zeppelin song. "Tangerine", however, would be a ballad. Don't ask me how I know so much about Led Zeppelin's catalog. I don't want to talk about it.
This, of course, is a loose rule. There are always exceptions.
Themes for ballads usually revolve around love (duh), or the lonliness of being on the rode. Lonliness Of The Road ballads usually wind themselves back to being love songs, anyways. Bad childhoods and rocker girls who o.d. on drugs are also good themes. If you're really pushing it, like glam's savior Brett Michaels, you might tackle religious faith and/or politics in your songs. This, obviously, comes off as really stupid. So it's best to just stick with songs about girls.
1.) L.A. Guns- "The Ballad of Jane"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9zE-PrvCZs4&feature=related
What's stupider? The fact that the lead singer is walking around bare-chested while clutching flowers, or the violin section at the end of the song? Here we have a ballad of the "girl gone bad" variety. Our protagonist Jane has ended up "a shame" due to vague, unexplained circumstances. Unlike those clean cut, well-rounded nice boys in L.A. Guns, right? I dunno why the band is playing next to a pool, but I guess it works. I also don't know why the guitar player feels the need to play a fill every five seconds of the song, but I guess that works, too.
2.) Poison- "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiEpLI5exrU
The epitome of the entire genre, baby! Was it something he said, or something he did? Did the words not come out right? We'll never know. As much as I (and it would seem, every idiot on earth) enjoy this song, Poison did commit the ultimate glam ballad sin by double-dipping with this tune:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe71zCA5xFQ&feature=related
"Something To Believe In". This song really pushes it. For one thing, you're only really allowed one hit ballad. For another, this song is fucking ridiculous. Vietnam vets? Homeless people? Bret Michaels was on a serious head trip at this point. Stick to songs about groupies, my mascara-and-ripped-Levi's wearing friend!
3.) Cinderalla- "You Don't Know What You've Got (Till It's Gone)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUA0ai0XxRU
These bands sure were sage-like founts of insight into the human condition. Every rose has its thorn? You don't know what you've got until it's gone? Speak to me from the mountain top, Buddah. Your profound wisdom is blowing my mind.
Cinderalla are one of those bands who divided hair rock fans of the era. The guy's voice was so extremely fucking ridiculous that you either loved them or hated them. One thing's for sure: this love ballad was their only real hit. The singer made enough money off this song to afford a lifetime of outdoor pianos and Steven Tyler outfits.
Then again, money isn't everything. Hey, wait a second. That's a pretty deep thought. Money isn't everything? Great song idea. Does anyone have a pound of hairspray, a leather cod-piece, and an aucostic guitar? 1987 is soooooo gonna be our year.
4.) Lita Ford (featuring Ozzy Osbourne)- "Close My Eyes Forever"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loyTCkV06xQ
As much as lovingly poke fun at these twits, it's hard for me to put Lita Ford in the same category as Winger, Cinderalla, etc. I mean, she was in The Runaways for God's sake. She was also (little known fact) asked to be the guitar player in Kiss after Ace Frehely left. Which she turned down. So she at least has some pretty serious credibility. Plus, look at those hoop earrings. I'd like to see Kathleen Hannah or the chick from the Yeah Yeah Yeah's pull that off.
That being said, Lita Ford didn't have a hit until this swank metal ballad. Unlike the rest of these songs, this one is actually kinda good. Plus this song essentially reserected Ozzy Osbourne's flailing post-Randy Rhodes solo carear. Once again, the rockers ask the deep questions. If you close your eyes forever, will it all remain unchanged. I dunno, Lita, but that's heavy.
5.) White Lion- "When The Children Cry"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkvGpfGzgT4
Yet another 80's glammer that tries to take on subject matter that is a bit too heavy for guys who wear make-up. In this case, the fate of the entire human race. Like they say, "when the children cry, let em' know we tried". What White Lion "tried" to do is beyond me, but I'm sure it had something to do with hair spray, denim jackets, and a rehab center in West Hollywood. Thanks for the legacy, guys! We won't let the next generation forget what you've done for us.
6.) Guns n' Roses- "Patience"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEzuC5UoM8g
This was really a shocker. It came out right after "Apetite For Destruction". Who knew Axl was so sensitive? Who knew he could whistle? Who knew Duff could count to four? Wonders never cease. Seriously, though, this one is actually pretty good. One thing I never understood is why Axl felt the need to do weird snake-like sex moves with his hips throughout the video for a melodramatic love song, but whatever. Anyways, smashing neon hotel room telephones and playing with snakes in bed whilst models vie for your attention must have been the primary fantasies of suburban males in the late 80's, cuz this video was huge.
7.) Tuff - "I Hate Kissing You Goodbye"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GC-9NBhxTxw
When I first saw this, I thought it was a satire of the very genre I'm talking about; alas, Tuff were a real band. A really, really stupid band. This song takes the cake as far as cliched lyrics. Sadly, this band did not make it very big. Although they had fabulous hair cuts.
8.) Motely Crue- "Home Sweet Home"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S4457H6Gxd8
Who can't relate to this song? Seriously, every time I'm on a huge tour bus playing for stadiums full of screaming fans, all I can think about is going back home for a little peace and quiet. It's such agony being a rich rock star. I wish a band would write a song about this dilemma, as it is so universal and applies to almost everyone. And I wish they would put a cheesy piano part at the end. Wait, Motely who? I must look into this, asap.
9.) Kiss- "Forever"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KxeI2oKNN4&feature=related
Only Kiss could copy the bands that copied what Kiss had already done ten years ago. Leave it to these guys to both lead the pack AND follow it at the same time. Here we have Kiss's shitty, Michael Bolton-penned love song "Forever", which is so lame even I don't like it (and I just made four LJ posts about Kiss).
10.) Slaughter- "Fly To The Angels"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n09QVCD5KVo&feature=related
Oh, you thought Slaughter could only talk about being up all night and sleeping all day? Foolish 1989-era MTV viewer! You've yet to see the emotional depths this band is capable of. You've YET to fly to the angels! Btw, did NASA build this guy's drum kit? Fucking ridiculous.