...the quiet of night...
Most of the time, I busy myself with things to keep me from thinking about myself.
It doesn't mean that I don't think at all. I think about other things. How I like a song. What my strategy is in this game that I'm playing. Having involved conversations with friends online. Kicking back with friends and geeking out. Focusing on my workpile at the job. Thinking about the book I'm reading, fiction or non. Burying myself in some sexual fetish satiation (sorry, TMI, I'm sure.)
The problem is that most of the time, thinking about myself turns dark. It delves into the places where my weakness lies. My lack of confidence. My desire to, 90% of the time, not venture out of my comfort zone. The truth that I feel qualified to do the job I'm doing, and nothing else, ergo why try and look for another job? The fact that I've never been able to successfully finish a single semester of college.
And of course, there's my problem. I don't want to focus on the negative. I want to be less stressed, I don't want meaningless sympathy from others. I want to fix the problem. It's not as if I want a whole lot more than I have. Just a little more. A little more money, a living situation where I'm not dependant on my roomate, a work schedule that allows me to socialize like normal people.
If only I had a plan. If only I could make a plan, have a drive, a goal, something to actually work towards, that doesn't seem pie in the sky. If only I knew where to look, get my foot in the door...I would be unstoppable, if only I could get started.
And everyone sees it. My newest friends, the ones I've known barely a year, see this about me so clearly because I'm a transparent, sensitive, 'nice guy'. They admire the good in me, but they also see the lack of confidence that I seem to wear like a shroud.
I wrote this, in the hope thoughts might come, that a lightbulb would go on, and I could understand what it is I need to do. And in the end, I suppose I do know what I need to do: I need to reach out for help. I'm not going to manage to solve this in my own head. I never do. I always need the feedback, the insight, the support from others.
...that's really all I have to say. It's the end of the day, and I should go to bed before I drown in vaciliation and doubt. Night, y'all.
It doesn't mean that I don't think at all. I think about other things. How I like a song. What my strategy is in this game that I'm playing. Having involved conversations with friends online. Kicking back with friends and geeking out. Focusing on my workpile at the job. Thinking about the book I'm reading, fiction or non. Burying myself in some sexual fetish satiation (sorry, TMI, I'm sure.)
The problem is that most of the time, thinking about myself turns dark. It delves into the places where my weakness lies. My lack of confidence. My desire to, 90% of the time, not venture out of my comfort zone. The truth that I feel qualified to do the job I'm doing, and nothing else, ergo why try and look for another job? The fact that I've never been able to successfully finish a single semester of college.
And of course, there's my problem. I don't want to focus on the negative. I want to be less stressed, I don't want meaningless sympathy from others. I want to fix the problem. It's not as if I want a whole lot more than I have. Just a little more. A little more money, a living situation where I'm not dependant on my roomate, a work schedule that allows me to socialize like normal people.
If only I had a plan. If only I could make a plan, have a drive, a goal, something to actually work towards, that doesn't seem pie in the sky. If only I knew where to look, get my foot in the door...I would be unstoppable, if only I could get started.
And everyone sees it. My newest friends, the ones I've known barely a year, see this about me so clearly because I'm a transparent, sensitive, 'nice guy'. They admire the good in me, but they also see the lack of confidence that I seem to wear like a shroud.
I wrote this, in the hope thoughts might come, that a lightbulb would go on, and I could understand what it is I need to do. And in the end, I suppose I do know what I need to do: I need to reach out for help. I'm not going to manage to solve this in my own head. I never do. I always need the feedback, the insight, the support from others.
...that's really all I have to say. It's the end of the day, and I should go to bed before I drown in vaciliation and doubt. Night, y'all.