Thanksgiving
We survived the wedding in Chicago, returned home, and I started my new job. It's been a slow start, and I have to admit that I have mixed feelings. I found out that my former company deducted $25K as a surprise from my 401K match for not sticking around for 3 years, so that was shitty. I'm still working through many open tickets with IT support to actually be able to access required resources from home, but have also visited on-site a few times. I'm not yet focused and clear on what I should be doing, and my boss was out of town for the holiday week, but I'm hoping to sincerely dive in on Monday. I do actually enjoy getting out of the house, as Mark has been driving me absolutely nuts with his VC meetings - it has been physically and mentally draining and my patience is constantly worn thin. I want to be happy for him and support him, but at the same time, I'm very disappointed and frustrated about how he's taken this as carte blanche to completely neglect being a considerate partner and his own health.
I've been working through some feelings lately - feelings like I've wasted away this year because of COVID - feelings like I've been held back waiting for Mark. Now he's talking about taking another year before graduating medical school to run his company. Is that fair to me? He didn't even ask. Lately I have been thinking that he brings out both the best and worst in me.
I've been sticking to a daily abs routine for the past week. I also achieved near HFO today, which felt pretty amazing. I want to work at it some more ^_^*
This was my first Thanksgiving spent with neither of our families, thanks to COVID. I felt guilty going to hang out with a few friends, self-conscious about my cooking, and about how Carlo couldn't join. I dropped him off a sweet potato pie, and then brought both sweet potato pie and mac and cheese to the dinner at Lee's house. I went into the dinner being pissed at Mark because he inconsiderately kept me up and I got little sleep. We left dinner early to do Drinksgiving with his family over Zoom, but they very quickly gave up. After going to bed, I woke up from 2-4:30AM randomly, and spent the time both attacking myself and having a sort of transcendental experience. I felt guilty for barely speaking with my family. I also felt guilty for not complimenting Robin when she approached me suddenly and intensely during dinner.
I'm currently reading both "The First 90 Days" and "Dance Dance Dance" (the latter by Murakami). The protagonist is 34yo, and I received it as a birthday present from Carlo. The first magical part occurred, and tbh, it unsettled me a good amount (predictably, nonetheless). The character is told they are transforming as a result of losing parts of themselves, and in turn losing access to something else. It brings up these fears I have related to my new job, that I've squandered my "shot" and potential, and will forever be relegated to a meaningless existence.