Defense Against Mediocrity
Nationals has been a huge roller coaster ride of emotion. But I've really been trying to make the best of it.
I'll start with Ragnar and Ptown, 2 weekends ago. Last minute, our runner Mike had to drop, because apparently his boyfriend was the driver of the Amtrak train that derailed and killed lots of people outside of Philly. Our van just ended up absorbing his miles, which brought my mileage up to ~26. I managed to maintain about a 6:40 pace over the course of the race, and had an exhilarating final leg, where the nearest person was like 10 minutes behind me, and I ran 9.5 mi to be the first to cross the finish line. It was a great team of people, we had good chemistry, and getting in so early enabled us to rest up and really enjoy Ptown for a change. We went to tea dance, and then dinner, and then ended up dancing shirtless at Purgatory. The week after I pigged out a lot, and of course got sad about gaining weight.
Went to a gay climbing night with kc. Also went to seniors dinner with Mark at Thelonius. Also got excited about Bayesian fingerprints as a potential improvement on my paper - though somewhat obscure and still low impact, it was something I felt to be true, and ended up being reported in the literature around 2006 by some smarter people than I.
My flight was delayed 2.5 hours on Thursday afternoon, and I wasn't able to connect to the wifi at the airport to get work done. But eventually, Michael picked me up from the airport, and he, Ola, and I went out to the gay clubs. We had a fun night, had a decent asian dinner, and saw a few of the other Boston folks out. I was surprised and impressed with the nightlife in Columbus. I left Mark behind to cook the final finals week breakfast, what had felt to be a more draining task than usual, over the course of the week.
I remember expressing reservations several times preceding Nationals. Reservations that were largely validated - I am essentially a benchwarmer for my team, and got to play <40% of the games. Our captain is also playing less, but I was vocal at one point, criticizing their failure to consider the kinds of sacrifices that some of us made to get here. Mark is at two weddings this weekend without me.
I was experiencing the kind of soul-crushing dark feelings that I typically experience when I get very very sick. Dark thoughts that extend well beyond volleyball - about how I embody mediocrity in the majority of tasks I do - at how little I've accomplished over the many years I've been playing volleyball. At how selfish I'm being in being here, and how unattractive I am compared to everyone else, and how egotistical I'm being in thinking I deserve any other fate. And then I'd try to lock all of that away, and just focus on being a good, supportive teammate. And I was able to do that a bunch of times, though when I'd get tired or bored or sad or frustrated at how sucky my teammates were being, they'd come back out.
Particularly frustrating during pool play were two circumstances where I should've been allowed to play because we were playing low-level opponents, but wasn't able to go in, because people sucked too much. We definitely lost a match that we shouldn't have. At another point, I had to go in as a middle, for 3 whole points, because Tom was away getting coffee - and then we lost that set, so I wasn't able to go in for the second set. I only played 2 sets and 3 points of 8 pool play sets today. I yelled at Michael that when we're up by 10 points, there should be room for the second line to go in. If I hear that anyone is tired tomorrow, I will not have patience for it.
For bracket play, it was conveyed to me that I would be a "serving specialist" for one of the middles. I got dramatic and angry - when it was finally my turn to go in, (with a scowl on) I served 6 points in a row, many were not successfully returned, but they were also going out of bounds. I only missed 1 serve of 10, and had a few passes, but I was still angry and disappointed. I'll never be good enough.
We started at 8AM today, and finished at 8:40PM. We ordered sushi takeout, drank together in the room, and eventually Tom and I made it out to Axis. Within 30 minutes, he was making out with a guy on the dance floor while I played wingman. On the walk, and several times over the course of the day we shared our feelings and frustration. But I just felt like the whole thing is hopeless. Even if we win this tournament, which I'm not sure we'll even be able to do, I won't feel like I deserved this. This matters to Benji way more than it matters to me, and I can't help but wonder whether I would've been happier in a different situation, e.g. playing for Brandon's team. But why do I need to feel so critical/needed/instrumental? Again being so egotistical.
I'm so angry at so many things. So angry that I'm staying up 'til 2AM typing here instead of getting some badly needed sleep. Also, I have been strongly limiting my food consumption with the hopes of losing some extraneous weight.
I feel fat and unattractive. I notice my hair thinning.
And Mark didn't answer my phone call.
And no one made out on the dance floor with me.
But Benji, Joey, and Chris were all uprated to BB.
EDIT: We won. Right before the last match when we were warming up, JayJ nailed me in the eye with a hard, shanked pass. I couldn't see straight for the first set, but went in anyway and got off one serve if I remember correctly. The second match, I pulled Michael aside and told him to put Tom in in my place so that he could at least step onto the court for the match, but he didn't. Tom was so upset that he left the gym and went on a run. If I had been a stronger person, I might have forcefully substituted him in in my place. I don't really remember the match, I was dazed and confused. But the match before I had an INSANE dig/safe from the floor, was so great, I had a huge smile on!
Attending the banquet was fun, and they had a bit about celebrating people who had been attending nationals for decades which really lended some gravitas to the whole thing. Had a lot of fun staying out at the club late afterward with the team. Was a mess all of Monday. Had a quick guy over for fun and passed out. Ordered Rod Dee and watched some Kimmy Schmidt. Mark came home around 11PM.
I'll start with Ragnar and Ptown, 2 weekends ago. Last minute, our runner Mike had to drop, because apparently his boyfriend was the driver of the Amtrak train that derailed and killed lots of people outside of Philly. Our van just ended up absorbing his miles, which brought my mileage up to ~26. I managed to maintain about a 6:40 pace over the course of the race, and had an exhilarating final leg, where the nearest person was like 10 minutes behind me, and I ran 9.5 mi to be the first to cross the finish line. It was a great team of people, we had good chemistry, and getting in so early enabled us to rest up and really enjoy Ptown for a change. We went to tea dance, and then dinner, and then ended up dancing shirtless at Purgatory. The week after I pigged out a lot, and of course got sad about gaining weight.
Went to a gay climbing night with kc. Also went to seniors dinner with Mark at Thelonius. Also got excited about Bayesian fingerprints as a potential improvement on my paper - though somewhat obscure and still low impact, it was something I felt to be true, and ended up being reported in the literature around 2006 by some smarter people than I.
My flight was delayed 2.5 hours on Thursday afternoon, and I wasn't able to connect to the wifi at the airport to get work done. But eventually, Michael picked me up from the airport, and he, Ola, and I went out to the gay clubs. We had a fun night, had a decent asian dinner, and saw a few of the other Boston folks out. I was surprised and impressed with the nightlife in Columbus. I left Mark behind to cook the final finals week breakfast, what had felt to be a more draining task than usual, over the course of the week.
I remember expressing reservations several times preceding Nationals. Reservations that were largely validated - I am essentially a benchwarmer for my team, and got to play <40% of the games. Our captain is also playing less, but I was vocal at one point, criticizing their failure to consider the kinds of sacrifices that some of us made to get here. Mark is at two weddings this weekend without me.
I was experiencing the kind of soul-crushing dark feelings that I typically experience when I get very very sick. Dark thoughts that extend well beyond volleyball - about how I embody mediocrity in the majority of tasks I do - at how little I've accomplished over the many years I've been playing volleyball. At how selfish I'm being in being here, and how unattractive I am compared to everyone else, and how egotistical I'm being in thinking I deserve any other fate. And then I'd try to lock all of that away, and just focus on being a good, supportive teammate. And I was able to do that a bunch of times, though when I'd get tired or bored or sad or frustrated at how sucky my teammates were being, they'd come back out.
Particularly frustrating during pool play were two circumstances where I should've been allowed to play because we were playing low-level opponents, but wasn't able to go in, because people sucked too much. We definitely lost a match that we shouldn't have. At another point, I had to go in as a middle, for 3 whole points, because Tom was away getting coffee - and then we lost that set, so I wasn't able to go in for the second set. I only played 2 sets and 3 points of 8 pool play sets today. I yelled at Michael that when we're up by 10 points, there should be room for the second line to go in. If I hear that anyone is tired tomorrow, I will not have patience for it.
For bracket play, it was conveyed to me that I would be a "serving specialist" for one of the middles. I got dramatic and angry - when it was finally my turn to go in, (with a scowl on) I served 6 points in a row, many were not successfully returned, but they were also going out of bounds. I only missed 1 serve of 10, and had a few passes, but I was still angry and disappointed. I'll never be good enough.
We started at 8AM today, and finished at 8:40PM. We ordered sushi takeout, drank together in the room, and eventually Tom and I made it out to Axis. Within 30 minutes, he was making out with a guy on the dance floor while I played wingman. On the walk, and several times over the course of the day we shared our feelings and frustration. But I just felt like the whole thing is hopeless. Even if we win this tournament, which I'm not sure we'll even be able to do, I won't feel like I deserved this. This matters to Benji way more than it matters to me, and I can't help but wonder whether I would've been happier in a different situation, e.g. playing for Brandon's team. But why do I need to feel so critical/needed/instrumental? Again being so egotistical.
I'm so angry at so many things. So angry that I'm staying up 'til 2AM typing here instead of getting some badly needed sleep. Also, I have been strongly limiting my food consumption with the hopes of losing some extraneous weight.
I feel fat and unattractive. I notice my hair thinning.
And Mark didn't answer my phone call.
And no one made out on the dance floor with me.
But Benji, Joey, and Chris were all uprated to BB.
EDIT: We won. Right before the last match when we were warming up, JayJ nailed me in the eye with a hard, shanked pass. I couldn't see straight for the first set, but went in anyway and got off one serve if I remember correctly. The second match, I pulled Michael aside and told him to put Tom in in my place so that he could at least step onto the court for the match, but he didn't. Tom was so upset that he left the gym and went on a run. If I had been a stronger person, I might have forcefully substituted him in in my place. I don't really remember the match, I was dazed and confused. But the match before I had an INSANE dig/safe from the floor, was so great, I had a huge smile on!
Attending the banquet was fun, and they had a bit about celebrating people who had been attending nationals for decades which really lended some gravitas to the whole thing. Had a lot of fun staying out at the club late afterward with the team. Was a mess all of Monday. Had a quick guy over for fun and passed out. Ordered Rod Dee and watched some Kimmy Schmidt. Mark came home around 11PM.