Classic Books Condensed
The Scarlet Letter
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
Evil Puritanical Society
Because you have committed adultery, you must wear an 'A'. Harlot! Harlot!
Hester Prynne
...
(The Evil Puritanical Society SNUBS Hester Prynne.)
Hester Prynne
...
(They call her NAMES.)
Hester Prynne
...
(They won't let her play any Evil Puritanical Society GAMES.)
Reverend Dimmesdale
I can't take it anymore. I did it.
THE END
The Odyssey
By Homer
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Odysseus
I rule.
Poseidon
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)
Odysseus
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)
THE END
The Hobbit
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Bilbo Baggins
Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.
Balin
We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.
Dwalin
I'm the happy one.
Fili
I'm the young one.
Kili
I'm the other young one.
Dori
I'm the funny one.
Nori
I'm the joyous one.
Ori
I'm the cute one.
Oin
I'm the jolly one.
Gloin
I'm the silly one.
Bifur
I'm the one with the funniest name.
Bofur
I'm the one with the looniest name.
Bombur
I'm the fat one.
Thorin
I'm the one with a distinct personality.
Gandalf
Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.
(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)
Bilbo Baggins
What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum
I don't know.
(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)
Smaug
I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.
(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the dragon, and it makes a MESS.)
Bilbo Baggins
I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.
THE END
The Collected Work of Stephen King
Ultra-Condensed by Mike Martinez
It was a nice day...........................AND THEN EVIL CAME!
THE END
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
By Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Ultra-Condensed by Rachele di Tullio
Ancient Mariner
I am creepy and old. Listen to me.
Wedding Guest
I'm late, but I'll listen.
Ancient Mariner
I killed an albatross. Then everyone died.
THE END
Heart of Darkness
By Joseph Conrad
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Mr. Marlow
I'm the good side of mankind, upstanding and respectable.
Mr. Kurtz
I'm the bad side of mankind, once honorable, now mired in depravity.
The Jungle
I'm the heart of mankind, home to sinister darkness and corruption.
(Mr. Kurtz dies. Mr. Marlow is reborn.)
THE END
The Lady or the Tiger
By Frank R. Stockton
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker
The Tiger!!
THE END
Walden
By Henry David Thoreau
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
Henry David Thoreau
A truly rich man doesn't have money but rather courage, truth, and an inner glory that transcends the passiveness of our physical beings. That's why I'm going to live in the boonies.
(Two years later...)
I'm getting the heck out of here and getting my pencil-making job back. Um. But what I said still goes.
THE END
More here:
http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/classics.shtml
hehehehe :)
By Nathaniel Hawthorne
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
Evil Puritanical Society
Because you have committed adultery, you must wear an 'A'. Harlot! Harlot!
Hester Prynne
...
(The Evil Puritanical Society SNUBS Hester Prynne.)
Hester Prynne
...
(They call her NAMES.)
Hester Prynne
...
(They won't let her play any Evil Puritanical Society GAMES.)
Reverend Dimmesdale
I can't take it anymore. I did it.
THE END
The Odyssey
By Homer
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Odysseus
I rule.
Poseidon
For your sin of pride, I curse you for all eternity.
(Unfazed, Odysseus boards his ship and sets SAIL for Greece, where his family is awaiting his RETURN from Troy. A STORM happens, and it drives them off course into the MEDITERRANEAN, where they come upon a strange LAND owned by the giant Cyclops POLYPHEMUS who eats some of the men ALL UP, but then they ESCAPE. Still lost, they run into the island of the sorceress CIRCE who turns some of Odysseus' men into ANIMALS, and it takes YEARS before they escape, and then they sail by some singing SIRENS, but they can't hear because they have STUFF in their ears. Then they come upon an island where there is a field of HERBS, and they all get HIGH, until Odysseus says it's time to GO. Then Odysseus' men let a WIND out of a BAG, and some more men DIE. And they sail on to HADES to talk to some DEAD people, and some more men DIE. And they steer the ship between the six headed monster SCYLLA and the torrential whirlpool CHARYBDIS, and Scylla makes some more men DIE, and Charybdis makes the rest of them DIE. Then the ship busts up into a JILLION pieces, but Odysseus is SAVED by the nymph Calypso who confines him to her ISLAND because she thinks he's HOT, and she wants his BODY. Then years later she lets him GO, but Poseidon is determined to terrorize him FURTHER. And then SUDDENLY Odysseus has an IDEA.)
Odysseus
Poseidon, I am sorry.
Poseidon
Ok, you can go home now.
(Odysseus goes home.)
THE END
The Hobbit
By J. R. R. Tolkien
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Bilbo Baggins
Ah, now for some peace and quiet. Oops, someone's at the door.
Balin
We're dwarves. I'm the merry one.
Dwalin
I'm the happy one.
Fili
I'm the young one.
Kili
I'm the other young one.
Dori
I'm the funny one.
Nori
I'm the joyous one.
Ori
I'm the cute one.
Oin
I'm the jolly one.
Gloin
I'm the silly one.
Bifur
I'm the one with the funniest name.
Bofur
I'm the one with the looniest name.
Bombur
I'm the fat one.
Thorin
I'm the one with a distinct personality.
Gandalf
Now that you're all here, let's go on a quest.
(They get captured by TROLLS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN. Then they get captured by ORCS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)
Bilbo Baggins
What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum
I don't know.
(They get captured by SPIDERS, and it is DANGEROUS, because they almost get EATEN.)
Smaug
I'm an evil dragon. Hiss hiss.
(Bilbo Baggins turns INVISIBLE, and then some obscure co-star SLAYS the dragon, and it makes a MESS.)
Bilbo Baggins
I'm going home. Peace and quiet, here I come.
THE END
The Collected Work of Stephen King
Ultra-Condensed by Mike Martinez
It was a nice day...........................AND THEN EVIL CAME!
THE END
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner
By Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Ultra-Condensed by Rachele di Tullio
Ancient Mariner
I am creepy and old. Listen to me.
Wedding Guest
I'm late, but I'll listen.
Ancient Mariner
I killed an albatross. Then everyone died.
THE END
Heart of Darkness
By Joseph Conrad
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard and David J. Parker
Mr. Marlow
I'm the good side of mankind, upstanding and respectable.
Mr. Kurtz
I'm the bad side of mankind, once honorable, now mired in depravity.
The Jungle
I'm the heart of mankind, home to sinister darkness and corruption.
(Mr. Kurtz dies. Mr. Marlow is reborn.)
THE END
The Lady or the Tiger
By Frank R. Stockton
Ultra-Condensed by David J. Parker
The Tiger!!
THE END
Walden
By Henry David Thoreau
Ultra-Condensed by Samuel Stoddard
Henry David Thoreau
A truly rich man doesn't have money but rather courage, truth, and an inner glory that transcends the passiveness of our physical beings. That's why I'm going to live in the boonies.
(Two years later...)
I'm getting the heck out of here and getting my pencil-making job back. Um. But what I said still goes.
THE END
More here:
http://rinkworks.com/bookaminute/classics.shtml
hehehehe :)