September 30, 2006 11:05:33 PM
I found an envelop with my name on the porch today. The jingling that it made when I picked it up told me my keys had been returned to me. Two car keys and a house key. There was no note. The envelop was not signed. But I knew A had given back the keys to tell me that I had been erased.
Last night, A was roped into going out. Now, A has always told me that she will do whatever she is in the mood for-that she's cold and doesn't care about other people's feelings. She was bulletproof. I made a joke, "Ms. Blackheart got roped into something?" She couldn't believe that I would mean that. Well, I didn't. I was playing a little rough, but there was almost no malice. Then things went way downhill and she left without saying anything. She likes to do things like that. I leave a long explanation and an apology she never responded to. I read her away message, "save the drama for the stage!" That was it. She's been so sensitive lately. She responds to my comments with, "that hurt" or "that really really hurts." I left an away message myself, "there's nothing good about this night, but kiss my shiny yellow ass anyway. See ya, queen!" Then this afternoon I found the envelop.
I admit. I was out of line. But the above is just the last of many other similar conversations where I have always accepted the responsibility and held my tongue. I was a bit tired of assuming that I was wrong. I've always doted on her. I gave her my books to save her hundreds of dollars, the keys to my car so she could get around, the keys to my house to use the heavy bag or just hang out, and a $200 pool cue that was twice as nice as the one I bought myself. And I gave her even more in painful, self-effacing ways. Slowly, I was feeling like I had lost my spine, which I can't stand because I do not like it when I sense that a girl thinks that she has something on me. For this same reason, I won't look at, let alone hit on, a girl. Last night, I took a chance and did what it seemed only she was to do until then: I indulged in my emotions.
Was that wrong? Where was I supposed to draw the line? Shouldn't I balance accommodation against abuse?
---
From the beginning, it was trouble. Actually, at first, it was euphoric. Flirting, dancing, pool, darts, drinking. It was amazing. Then we opened our mouths and talked about feelings. She led me around the bend, but I still tried to be a good friend to her.
On her birthday, I spent the night in her bed. I thought this was great. The next night, she asks me what's on my mind while I'm sitting on the porch. I didn't answer, and she went home. I spilled in on IM instead. By the way, IM is very dangerous. I asked what last night was all about. She didn't reply. She signed off. The next day, Thursday, I avoided her. I avoided her on the porch. I avoided her when she came with Liz to see if we were going to the bar review pre-party. I avoided her at bar review. Friday, she would tell me that hurt her. And I asked her why. From the way the conversation ended the night before, I hope you understand my behavior. Somehow, that conversation made me think that she likes me. So things were good again. I was to call her to wake her up at 5PM. I did. A few minutes later, we had the disastrous conversation.
---
All of this brings me to a few things that have been bothering me for quite a while. First, I'm desperately lonely. Second, I'm frustrated with being a trustworthy person who's not worthy of a relationship. And finally, I'm tired of women who are impossible and continue to be impossible because society says women are naturally impossible, that it's okay to be that way, and that men should learn to handle a woman's caprice.
My last real relationship ended my sophomore year of college. That left me a real mess, but I've changed profoundly. Maybe some of that was just the natural result of growing up, but I still think that being dumped has had a huge influence on my development. Anyway, I learned to be okay by myself. I went to shows, movies, and other things alone. I drank and partied with huge groups. It's been half a decade and some change. I perfected distance and disinterest, but I got tired of it. I wanted to be human. Since then, I've been lonely. And for a long time, I've thought that nobody would be able to make that go away.
This summer, I met E. She was cute as hell and amazing witty. I decided it was time I grew a pair and tell a girl I liked her. On last night of the program, I stuck my neck out for E. She had an embarrassed smile on her face when she turned me down. I dove into a spiel about loneliness, girls, and boys who cheat on their girls. Why would anyone want to cheat on these wonderful people? Then she said it was intense and that she was going in. Any opportunity I may have had with her was destroyed by other men.
I still had that pair when I came back to the states. I put it on the chopping block for A, but it was the same old story. Maybe A and E read the same magazines. I, however, give some people the benefit of the doubt, although I'm not sure if that helps me or them. Anyway, twice in a row. Twice, I was told that I'm a great guy, that any girl would be lucky to have me, that they trust me, that my honesty is refreshing. But twice, I walked away empty handed. I don't even have a friendship with A anymore, and that kills me. E, who knows.
So what's my problem? Why am I alone?
Well, I have a problem with women. Actually, I have a problem with A. She's a woman of the finest cloth-intricate, delicate, and durable. I'm not so sure she's durable now, but I'm not sure I handled her wrong, either. Maybe I did. She may have thrown me for loops, but she never flat out said anything mean to me. I did. I'm realizing that I've made a horrible mistake. Frustration isn't an excuse. This is another problem. I always take blame upon myself. I don't know if I'm really wrong. Maybe everybody is wrong and that's okay. Is the only real wrong then just not being able to forgive people for their wrongs? I fucking hope so.
I'd like to think that I never would have crossed the line if she had just been upfront about everything. She played games with me. I played games with her. But I'm generally upfront about things. And once I told her about how I felt, I never went back on it. On that, she cruelly wronged me. But what does it matter? I've lost. Whether I'm right or wrong, I'm still alone.
---
R has told me I'm better off. I'm too good for A. Well, sometimes I think I'm alone because I'm too good for the world. I can be too generous, too rational, too understanding, too honest-too complaisant. I'm not so much an autonomous product of humanity, but a scalable service. This is slowly changing, I'm acting out more often these days (they call this personality, right?), but I'm not any more successful with relationships. I'm not sure where to go from here.
---
Hell, I'm not even sure why I like A. At first, she was a cool person to go out with-shoot pool, throw darts, dance, flirt, whatever. Actually, the pool probably got me. I love a girl that can play bar games. She was also highly competent. That's huge for me because I demand competence from everyone, myself, too. But now, those things don't seem so important. I still like her, but now I don't know why, especially after all the drama. This makes me wonder if I'll fall in love with any halfway decent girl because I'm so goddamned lonely. I fucking hope not, but I'm sure that's the truth. I hate the uncertainty these rationalizations create.
---
This exercise didn't come out as I expected, but at least it's now in writing. I've set something down and now I can build on it.
Last night, A was roped into going out. Now, A has always told me that she will do whatever she is in the mood for-that she's cold and doesn't care about other people's feelings. She was bulletproof. I made a joke, "Ms. Blackheart got roped into something?" She couldn't believe that I would mean that. Well, I didn't. I was playing a little rough, but there was almost no malice. Then things went way downhill and she left without saying anything. She likes to do things like that. I leave a long explanation and an apology she never responded to. I read her away message, "save the drama for the stage!" That was it. She's been so sensitive lately. She responds to my comments with, "that hurt" or "that really really hurts." I left an away message myself, "there's nothing good about this night, but kiss my shiny yellow ass anyway. See ya, queen!" Then this afternoon I found the envelop.
I admit. I was out of line. But the above is just the last of many other similar conversations where I have always accepted the responsibility and held my tongue. I was a bit tired of assuming that I was wrong. I've always doted on her. I gave her my books to save her hundreds of dollars, the keys to my car so she could get around, the keys to my house to use the heavy bag or just hang out, and a $200 pool cue that was twice as nice as the one I bought myself. And I gave her even more in painful, self-effacing ways. Slowly, I was feeling like I had lost my spine, which I can't stand because I do not like it when I sense that a girl thinks that she has something on me. For this same reason, I won't look at, let alone hit on, a girl. Last night, I took a chance and did what it seemed only she was to do until then: I indulged in my emotions.
Was that wrong? Where was I supposed to draw the line? Shouldn't I balance accommodation against abuse?
---
From the beginning, it was trouble. Actually, at first, it was euphoric. Flirting, dancing, pool, darts, drinking. It was amazing. Then we opened our mouths and talked about feelings. She led me around the bend, but I still tried to be a good friend to her.
On her birthday, I spent the night in her bed. I thought this was great. The next night, she asks me what's on my mind while I'm sitting on the porch. I didn't answer, and she went home. I spilled in on IM instead. By the way, IM is very dangerous. I asked what last night was all about. She didn't reply. She signed off. The next day, Thursday, I avoided her. I avoided her on the porch. I avoided her when she came with Liz to see if we were going to the bar review pre-party. I avoided her at bar review. Friday, she would tell me that hurt her. And I asked her why. From the way the conversation ended the night before, I hope you understand my behavior. Somehow, that conversation made me think that she likes me. So things were good again. I was to call her to wake her up at 5PM. I did. A few minutes later, we had the disastrous conversation.
---
All of this brings me to a few things that have been bothering me for quite a while. First, I'm desperately lonely. Second, I'm frustrated with being a trustworthy person who's not worthy of a relationship. And finally, I'm tired of women who are impossible and continue to be impossible because society says women are naturally impossible, that it's okay to be that way, and that men should learn to handle a woman's caprice.
My last real relationship ended my sophomore year of college. That left me a real mess, but I've changed profoundly. Maybe some of that was just the natural result of growing up, but I still think that being dumped has had a huge influence on my development. Anyway, I learned to be okay by myself. I went to shows, movies, and other things alone. I drank and partied with huge groups. It's been half a decade and some change. I perfected distance and disinterest, but I got tired of it. I wanted to be human. Since then, I've been lonely. And for a long time, I've thought that nobody would be able to make that go away.
This summer, I met E. She was cute as hell and amazing witty. I decided it was time I grew a pair and tell a girl I liked her. On last night of the program, I stuck my neck out for E. She had an embarrassed smile on her face when she turned me down. I dove into a spiel about loneliness, girls, and boys who cheat on their girls. Why would anyone want to cheat on these wonderful people? Then she said it was intense and that she was going in. Any opportunity I may have had with her was destroyed by other men.
I still had that pair when I came back to the states. I put it on the chopping block for A, but it was the same old story. Maybe A and E read the same magazines. I, however, give some people the benefit of the doubt, although I'm not sure if that helps me or them. Anyway, twice in a row. Twice, I was told that I'm a great guy, that any girl would be lucky to have me, that they trust me, that my honesty is refreshing. But twice, I walked away empty handed. I don't even have a friendship with A anymore, and that kills me. E, who knows.
So what's my problem? Why am I alone?
Well, I have a problem with women. Actually, I have a problem with A. She's a woman of the finest cloth-intricate, delicate, and durable. I'm not so sure she's durable now, but I'm not sure I handled her wrong, either. Maybe I did. She may have thrown me for loops, but she never flat out said anything mean to me. I did. I'm realizing that I've made a horrible mistake. Frustration isn't an excuse. This is another problem. I always take blame upon myself. I don't know if I'm really wrong. Maybe everybody is wrong and that's okay. Is the only real wrong then just not being able to forgive people for their wrongs? I fucking hope so.
I'd like to think that I never would have crossed the line if she had just been upfront about everything. She played games with me. I played games with her. But I'm generally upfront about things. And once I told her about how I felt, I never went back on it. On that, she cruelly wronged me. But what does it matter? I've lost. Whether I'm right or wrong, I'm still alone.
---
R has told me I'm better off. I'm too good for A. Well, sometimes I think I'm alone because I'm too good for the world. I can be too generous, too rational, too understanding, too honest-too complaisant. I'm not so much an autonomous product of humanity, but a scalable service. This is slowly changing, I'm acting out more often these days (they call this personality, right?), but I'm not any more successful with relationships. I'm not sure where to go from here.
---
Hell, I'm not even sure why I like A. At first, she was a cool person to go out with-shoot pool, throw darts, dance, flirt, whatever. Actually, the pool probably got me. I love a girl that can play bar games. She was also highly competent. That's huge for me because I demand competence from everyone, myself, too. But now, those things don't seem so important. I still like her, but now I don't know why, especially after all the drama. This makes me wonder if I'll fall in love with any halfway decent girl because I'm so goddamned lonely. I fucking hope not, but I'm sure that's the truth. I hate the uncertainty these rationalizations create.
---
This exercise didn't come out as I expected, but at least it's now in writing. I've set something down and now I can build on it.