[ES21] Rules of Engagement
Been a while, hey? First fic in a long time. Standard disclaimer applies.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
Author: Ranier
Series: Eyeshield 21
Character/Pairing: Hiruma, Mamori
Summary: [Oneshot] The Deimon Bureau of Statistics and Preservation of Society takes an initiative.
Rules of Engagement
The following is a collection of rules intended to inform interested parties of the proper ways of engagement with both Hiruma Youichi and Anezaki Mamori of Deimon Devil Bats team (who shall henceforth be known as "The Captain" and "The Manager" respectively).
As such interested parties in this case may include but not limited to fellow members of the Deimon Devil Bats, students of Deimon High School, various education professionals (principal, vice-principal, teachers, janitors, security guards), members of other American Football teams, reporters, scouts, passersby, those in search and rescue, those in medical professions and law enforcement officers.
The objective of the rules is to decrease Deimon Devil Bats-related fatalities in midst of Japan's declining birthrate.
Disclaimer: We hereby are exempt from accountability for deaths or injuries of any kind, whether those be physical, mental or spiritual, from the use of this guide. We have collated our findings based on careful observations of the dynamics and routine of the two individuals with their surroundings over extended periods of time, but due to the extremely volatile nature of the captain we cannot assume any responsibilities.
Warning: do NOT attempt to engage the Captain without the manager's presence.
We hope that you will find this guide useful.
Deimon Bureau of Statistics and Preservation of Society,
Tokyo, November 9, 20XX
Regarding Seating Arrangement:
When one happens to be out with the captain and manager of Deimon Devil Bats, one must take care to notice the proper seating arrangement (unless, that is, one is a masochist and does not mind the occasional brush with death).
To elaborate, imagine a table at a diner that seats four persons. The hard-and-fast rule here is that one must never, ever sit beside the manager. Neither the seat to her left nor her right is to be touched (see Appendix A for explanation). Thus one is left with three options: to sit across her or across the captain or at another table altogether. Pick wisely.
In a moving vehicle (bus, car, train, plane, motorbike, chariot, etc.), one is advised to stay away as far as possible from the captain while at the same time encouraged to be in the proximate distance of the manager's care. Use best judgment.
While walking or moving in a formation, observe the formation shape and use the manager as a buffer. Do not enter the captain's blind spot. We repeat, do not enter the captain's blind spot. Make sure that he sees you or is aware of your presence at all times. Or else.
Regarding Communication:
When one's intention is to speak to the manager, ensure that one does not interrupt her conversation with the captain. That means when they're talking, calling, texting, or hand-signaling each other, one must strive to be patient and wait until the conversation is finished. According to experience, one may wait a long while and thus we recommend writing a letter instead (but do not hand the letter while they're still conversing). Any violation of this rule will result in varying degrees of pain.
Note: love letters to the manager are perfectly fine and will be dealt with respect. Avoid long phone conversations with the manager, if possible, to prevent mysterious disconnection of phone service in one's near future. Be brief; always take care to keep the manager's phone line open as much as possible and when one hears strange noises when talking on the phone with the manager, quickly excuse oneself and hang up.
When it's one's intention to speak to the captain, the above rule still applies, but do not attempt any missives whether it's by mail or electronic. It is best not to let the captain obtain any samples of one's handwriting or one's electronic footprints (actually, the captain is known to lift fingerprints and DNA samples off letters as well). Straightforward verbal conversation is recommended. Based on experience, there's no sense in delaying the inevitable although one's survival instincts may lead one to think otherwise.
The captain, surprisingly, is very receptive of thoughtful criticisms and suggestions; however, please note that this is only true for American Football. All other non-American Football matters may be discussed at one's own peril and ridicule.
Regarding Gratuities:
The manager will gladly accept any embodiment of kind wishes (a box of a dozen Kariya's premium creampuffs is preferred), but one must observe that the manager will not welcome any attempt of bribery that will put the Deimon Devil Bats at a disadvantage. Those who tried will be referred to the captain without fail.
The captain welcomes all manners of gratuities, especially highly sensitive information on key personnel. We have not been able to determine exactly who the key personnel are, but as far as we can tell the list includes former prime ministers and Diet members. As a rule of thumb, aim as high as one can. (Note: we do not condone blackmailing; we're simply stating the fact).
Regarding the Use of Force
Don't.
Except during a game of American Football, attacks or threats of attack against the manager and/or the captain will be met with resistance in the name of self-defense. Do not expect the retaliation to be proportional in force to the threat. One's property may be seized in the process and one may face an indeterminate period of detention or servitude.
Note: please be aware that all forms of retaliation will be legal and binding. See Appendix B for explanation and case studies.
Regarding Domestic Animals
Do not attempt to pet, feed or interact in any way with the canine companion of the captain. As a safety precaution, we recommend a distance of fifty meters or more from the animal. Keep small children and pets away as well.
Do not attempt to pet, feed or rescue the piglet companion of the canine. As a safety precaution, we recommend ignorance whenever one feels the piglet's life is in danger.
Regarding Firearms, Ammunition and General Weaponry
If one sees the captain handling any sort of weaponry, one has three choices: 1) Run as fast as one can, as far as possible from the source of menace; 2) Endure the barrage of attacks (survival encouraged but not guaranteed); 3) Pretend the weaponry does not exist, keep calm and carry on. The last choice is an acquired ability and should only be attempted if one feels confident enough one is not within the target range or one is suicidal.
Note: do NOT attempt to imitate the manager's defensive moves, which are more than just making use of any household or industrial cleaning equipment. Our team of researchers has concluded that the manager has an uncanny knack of predicting the projectiles' trajectories. In this very special and narrow case, she exhibits supernatural object recognition ability and reaction speed. We have not yet determined how long she can maintain such state, but one observation we had done in the past clocked in at 5 minutes and 47 seconds after an accident with a laptop and a precariously balanced cup of coffee.
If one sees the manager handling any sort of weaponry, do assume that the manager is not a threat and the captain is nearby. Then repeat the above instructions.
If one happens to stumble into storage of weaponry (arms silo, clubhouse, lockers, schoolbags, underpants, etc.), do ignore and move on for one's own safety.
Final Note
This is by no means a comprehensive guide encompassing all possible scenarios. We continually strive to improve the guide for public use, but any immediate changes to the guide will be published online at our homepage. We encourage our readers to subscribe to the live feed where we broadcast minute-by-minute reports of possible sites to avoid (see Appendix C for a map of Deimon Devil Bats training routes.) Remember-safety first!
Good luck.