The Portion Just So Happens To Be The Size Of My Fist
There hasn't been a blog, journal, diary, column or harshly scribbled suicide note that will have anything to do with what's about to take place in this square of text.
No, seriously, this is true. You'll see why.
Near-straddling a beeping and sweat-stained eliptical machine this morning, I couldn't help but understand why America is the fattest country to ever exist. I know, a lot of people have blamed the inherent "McDonaldization" of our food industry and socio-cultural attitudes (me-hungry-give-burger-fastfastfast!!!!) but we're missing the mark on what could actually turn out to be a serious conspiracy going on right under our Whopper-laden guts :
Fitness machines, from aerobic to muscle-building, seek to enslave the entirety of mankind.
I had never been active in gyms before (what I'm sure the Machines call "Slave Conditioning Centers") I started my current diet and work-out program so all I knew about these beasts of steel, plastic and sweaty dreams was that they A) made you perspire whilst going nowhere and lifting artificical weight and B) they were most likely not the next emerging threat to the human race. Well, we've all fallen into this trap (of course, as they wanted us to) and it may already be much too late.
So I can hear the naysayers "This isn't possible, they're just machines. " Yeah, just machines that nearly 50% of us come within 10 feet of every day. "Just machines" that we give critical information to (HELLO, weight? age? height?) without even considering that they are sentient creatures of malicious intent who probably intend to brainwash us into joining a half-cyborg army currently being amassed to topple each world government in 20:00 minutes at a Level 5 incline. Then, as we fall victim to the side-effects of this expert reprogramming (tight asses, lean muscle fibers, toned and sexy abs) we will spread to highly populated centers such as dance clubs, college campuses and drunken parties to flaunt our new cyborg-like good looks, recruiting normal, America-loving humans into themselves entering "gyms" and undergoing the same horrible process...while we stand by and nod, drooling as our brains empty through our pores and are absorbed by technology WE NO LONGER CONTROL.
So that's what I was thinking about this morning.
I took to get my car fixed today and recently got the callback from the place and the bill will be an ass-pounding $287.54, which has been offered to be paid by my parents. Still, it's a huge chunk of dough (out of context of fixing a car, possibly) that I don't like fleeing from anyone's wallet, much less my birthers. Having wheels again though will allow me to be mobile enough to retreat to a highly defensible location in the case of a zombie outbreak, so I suppose it's win-win.
In Business Law today someone retorted, after being prompted to say what they thought of the recent Judge Alito hearings, that it was "A bunch of grand-standing. " The guy scoffed at his own dripping wit and you could almost taste how clever he thought that sort of answer was. I'm no anything-buff (besides say, nerdery or jackassery, possibly) but having a radio tuner set explicitly to National Public Radio I decided to raise my hand and weigh in on the subject.
"I don't believe it was at all 'grand-standing', blah blah respect of precedent as ultimate blah blah Roe V. Wade blah blah. "
You get the gist. The point is that why the holy damned fuck would you raise your hand in course to answer a question just to be a douchebag? And why would I be a douchebag back by quoting him pompously in my addition? It's a mystery, to be sure. Not as pressing as the current enslavement crisis mentioned earlier, but something to chew on nonetheless.
I'll leave you all with your inspirational katamari picture.
Roll on and tune in again soon.
No, seriously, this is true. You'll see why.
Near-straddling a beeping and sweat-stained eliptical machine this morning, I couldn't help but understand why America is the fattest country to ever exist. I know, a lot of people have blamed the inherent "McDonaldization" of our food industry and socio-cultural attitudes (me-hungry-give-burger-fastfastfast!!!!) but we're missing the mark on what could actually turn out to be a serious conspiracy going on right under our Whopper-laden guts :
Fitness machines, from aerobic to muscle-building, seek to enslave the entirety of mankind.
I had never been active in gyms before (what I'm sure the Machines call "Slave Conditioning Centers") I started my current diet and work-out program so all I knew about these beasts of steel, plastic and sweaty dreams was that they A) made you perspire whilst going nowhere and lifting artificical weight and B) they were most likely not the next emerging threat to the human race. Well, we've all fallen into this trap (of course, as they wanted us to) and it may already be much too late.
So I can hear the naysayers "This isn't possible, they're just machines. " Yeah, just machines that nearly 50% of us come within 10 feet of every day. "Just machines" that we give critical information to (HELLO, weight? age? height?) without even considering that they are sentient creatures of malicious intent who probably intend to brainwash us into joining a half-cyborg army currently being amassed to topple each world government in 20:00 minutes at a Level 5 incline. Then, as we fall victim to the side-effects of this expert reprogramming (tight asses, lean muscle fibers, toned and sexy abs) we will spread to highly populated centers such as dance clubs, college campuses and drunken parties to flaunt our new cyborg-like good looks, recruiting normal, America-loving humans into themselves entering "gyms" and undergoing the same horrible process...while we stand by and nod, drooling as our brains empty through our pores and are absorbed by technology WE NO LONGER CONTROL.
So that's what I was thinking about this morning.
I took to get my car fixed today and recently got the callback from the place and the bill will be an ass-pounding $287.54, which has been offered to be paid by my parents. Still, it's a huge chunk of dough (out of context of fixing a car, possibly) that I don't like fleeing from anyone's wallet, much less my birthers. Having wheels again though will allow me to be mobile enough to retreat to a highly defensible location in the case of a zombie outbreak, so I suppose it's win-win.
In Business Law today someone retorted, after being prompted to say what they thought of the recent Judge Alito hearings, that it was "A bunch of grand-standing. " The guy scoffed at his own dripping wit and you could almost taste how clever he thought that sort of answer was. I'm no anything-buff (besides say, nerdery or jackassery, possibly) but having a radio tuner set explicitly to National Public Radio I decided to raise my hand and weigh in on the subject.
"I don't believe it was at all 'grand-standing', blah blah respect of precedent as ultimate blah blah Roe V. Wade blah blah. "
You get the gist. The point is that why the holy damned fuck would you raise your hand in course to answer a question just to be a douchebag? And why would I be a douchebag back by quoting him pompously in my addition? It's a mystery, to be sure. Not as pressing as the current enslavement crisis mentioned earlier, but something to chew on nonetheless.
I'll leave you all with your inspirational katamari picture.
Roll on and tune in again soon.