[FIC] Apologize (YunJae)
FANDOM: TVXQ
TITLE: Apologize
AUTHOR: Rangiku.Charlize
GENRE: AU, Drama, Angst, Romance
RATING: PG
PAIRING: YunJae, Jaeho
SUMMARY: Jae had made a lot of mistakes in his life but none as important or flawed as letting Yunho go.
WARNINGS: Um…a bit of angst…but it gets better; I don’t really know what else
DISCLAIMER: The usual. I do not own, though I wish I did.
AN: I was scrolling through my iPod the other day and I figured why not make a few fics based on songs? I’m sure you all know this song, it’s vastly overplayed and over now though…but I still love it. (Apologize - Timbaland feat. One Republic)
Jaejoong wanted to sigh again but found he did not have the heart to. He glanced around the bar with hooded eyes that had developed dark circles beneath them. He was almost thirty and had yet to find a solid job other than the bartending that he had always found himself coming back to. Something about pouring the drinks helped him to stay off and away from them. Watching other people destroy themselves and being the one serving them their release had never been good for his conscience, but had still helped him. He mixed another vodka slime before fighting his thoughts and memories that threatened to swell back into him. Things that were best left forgotten had been creeping up on him lately. He was unsure of the reasons but whenever he had the time to spare, the memories and accusations would come back to him as if being hit by a tidal wave.
It was the reason why he hadn’t been getting much sleep for the past few months. He would find things to occupy himself to keep the regret from exploding inside of his heart and constricting his chest until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He had talked to Junsu about it and he had cooked enough food to feed an army to distract himself. Yet it still wasn’t enough. Writing no longer satisfied his need as he always found himself writing music, and the fact didn’t do any good to his already broken soul.
He watched the doors to the bar open and he watched as a tall man entered. A slender hand and a once strong body crossed the threshold. He glanced up and was abruptly thrown five years into the past, his memories swirling around him.
The fights, the screaming, the anger. It all came back to him and Jaejoong fought himself to get the emotions back in to order. They swirled out of control as he choked on a sob. Breathing deeply, he knew this was not the place for this, but the familiar face had broken his resolve. He remembered the night he had walked away from his love, his friends, and his life. His chest constricted at the thought.
Three years later, he had received a letter in the mail. By then, he had only been keeping a monthly, if that, communication with Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin. His recalled the utter feeling of abandonment, anger, and despair all at once when he had opened the letter for the first time. It was a wedding invitation.
An invitation, to Yunho’s wedding.
Jaejoong hadn’t gone. He’d since then died his hair blonde and moved to Tokyo, his link to Yunho being deteriorated by the year as he spoke less and less to his once dear friends.
Jaejoong watched as the man he loved stumbled in and take a seat at his bar. Eyeing him carefully, Yunho’s head dropped onto his folded arms. “Beer, please,” He mumbled. Jaejoong glanced around and looked back to his old friend. It was obvious that he was drunk. Jae was unsure of how he had even found his way to a bar in the state he was in.
He checked the clock on the wall and found it was nearly only midnight. His shift ended at three in the morning. Turning to his bartending partner he tapped his shoulder. “You think I could take the rest of the night off?” Jaejoong asked him, a serious look set on his face.
“Yeah, go for it, its dead tonight,” was the nonchalant answer. Jae looked around once again and found that he was right. Nodding once, he untied his apron and said his goodbyes.
He rounded the bar and brought himself closer to Yunho. Nudging him once, the latter tilted his head up and slurred words escaped his mouth, “You got my beer?”
Jae’s nose scrunched at his foul breath. It was obvious that Yunho was so drunk he couldn’t recognize his surroundings. “Come on, up we go.” Hooking one of Yunho’s arms around his shoulder, he hauled his heavy weight onto his body and turned to the door.
“Oh, are we going somewhere?” Yunho chuckled. Waving once at the single bartender, Jae proceeded out of the back door.
Yunho was singing about something or another and Jae rolled his eyes, glad that his apartment was close by. He didn’t know what to make of this situation. A man he had left years ago was now back in his presence, drunk off his ass. He wondered what had happened to him. Yunho, after all, had never been much of a drinker. Jaejoong happened to know that better than anyone. The only reassuring aspect of his circumstances was that Yunho hadn’t seemed to lose or gain weight since he’d last seen him, or held him in his arms… Jaejoong shook the thoughts away.
It didn’t take him long to get to his building, and he was forever thankful that there was an elevator. Struggling to enter his apartment, Jaejoong dumped the taller man onto his own bed. Taking a deep breath, slowing his labored breathing, the blond dropped to the carpeted floor and leant back against the bed.
He stared at the ceiling for a few moments before turning back to the man in his presence. The soft snoring alerted him of his status, asleep and safe. Jaejoong wouldn’t want it any other way. Of course, he wished it were in different conditions, but some things couldn’t be helped. Glancing around, Jaejoong found that he wasn’t tired. Kneading his sore neck, he dragged himself to his feet and headed towards his kitchen, where he made a cup of tea, slowly and carefully as to not wake the other up, before moving to the balcony.
Sipping his tea, Jae sat down on a wooden stool and let the wind hit his face. Why was he here? Of all places, why did Yunho turn up in Tokyo? It had been months since he last contacted Junsu, Changmin, or even Yoochun for that matter. They couldn’t have told him where he was. But thinking about it now, Jaejoong thought that maybe they didn’t have to.
Looking back on the years he spent without them, he found himself wondering what he had achieved from running away. He hadn’t gained anything from denying his feelings, and all he felt when Yunho was married was remorse and jealousy. A few days after he had skipped his best friend’s, once lover’s, wedding, all he felt was guilt.
It still weighed on his heart like stone casing…preventing it from beating.
Placing his cup down, he drew his small blanket closer in around himself and looked at the stars. If there was ever a wish he wanted to be granted, he would have wanted to go back in time and change his actions. He would have forced himself to have the courage to tell Yunho those three little words that he had never said out of shame.
But all this thinking of wishes had him falling deeper into a pit of darkness, where he knew eventually nothing was possible...because wishes didn’t always come true. Feeling the tears well in his eyes, Jaejoong lifted a hand to cover his sobs. If only he had told him back then. If only he wasn’t so shy, so shamed, so stubborn. If only…
“If only”s had never done people any good.
Wiping a tear from his face and sniffling, he placed his empty mug onto the stone balcony. It landed with a soft clink. Glancing back into his kitchen, Jae sought the time. It was almost five in the morning. Surprised by this, he had spent almost four hours outside. He wondered when his toes had gone numb and the blond turned to find that the sun had started to rise. Leaning his arms on the railing, his forehead rested against the metal bars, his eyes intently watching the ball of fire rise.
There was a thump from inside the apartment but Jaejoong took no head because all the hidden emotions were suddenly pouring out of him as the sun’s light burned his eyes. His vision was being blurred by his tears. He felt them running down his face and he couldn’t stop the choked sobs that escaped him. Why had he let him go? Why had he simply turned away from him? How had he done it? He felt his heart tearing from the regret and he wanted to close himself up and never come out, knowing that his decisions were some that he could not simply take back. He had long ago lost the will to live, but the sudden appearance of his love triggered something in him and unlocked his hope. Hope that left him helpless and bleak.
Nothing good could from this hope.
The sliding glass door was suddenly thrown open and there was a loud gasp and then: “Jae!” Jaejoong spun at the sound of his name and his heart abruptly stopped beating, his mind leaving, replaced with jumbled words and blanks.
A single name left his lips in a breathy sigh, “Yunho…”
The other man was groggy, probably hung over to a point where his head was pounding, maybe still a little drunk. In any case, the silence stretched between them. Jaejoong’s gaze turned to the floor before he looked into the wind. The sun was clearing the horizon, casting its orange light over the grey buildings.
“Jae, where have you been?” Yunho asked, his voice soft and being carried by the wind. He heard Yunho step forward, his bare feet coming into view and the younger man took in the scene as well.
He didn’t answer for a moment, “…around…” He hoped Yunho wouldn’t say he had been looking for him. The remorse it would have caused would have been too much for his already fractured soul to handle. Yunho was staring at him and Jae swallowed a sob before he asked his own question. “Why are you here? Where’s your…wife?”
There was another silence and Yunho answered quietly, “We’ve been divorced for a few months now…” Jaejoong’s gaze turned to him quickly, confusion written over his face. Yunho was watching the sun, and after a snort he said, “I’m sure you would understand…why.” His head dropped, a dark mane of hair following it. The younger man’s face was covered by the hair but as he turned back towards the sun, tears were shining in his eyes, “I couldn’t bring myself to love her…”
Jaejoong’s body quavered violently and an unexpected headache was brought on. “Jae…I could never have loved anyone after…you left me.” The blunt sentence caught him off guard and Jaejoong wanted to run away in shame. He wanted to hang his head low, maybe move to a remote area and live in exile as punishment…hopefully he would go crazy and forget about this heartbreaking problem. But no, he had to face it. Now that Yunho was here, in front of him, still as handsome as ever, he had to expose the thoughts that had been rehearsed in his head for the past five years.
Jaejoong bit his lip and glanced to his feet in thought. The clock ticked away as the silence stretched. “I’m…” He began, but stopped when he couldn’t find the right words. Trying once more, Jaejoong looked at him, “I know…” and Yunho’s head turned. Their eyes met for the first time in many years and Jae’s tears over flowed. They were the same eyes he loved all those years ago, so full of life and love… He wiped away his tears and said, “I know it’s probably too late now…to…” Jaejoong wanted to turn away his eyes, but found he couldn’t, so he swallowed before forcing his thoughts out, “To apologize.”
Yunho was studying him quietly before he stepped closer. Jae saw the tears trail down his love’s cheek before his vision was suddenly full of a large shoulder. He found himself in a familiar embrace that had his stomach flipping and the nervousness rose into his throat. “Why?” Jaejoong’s fingers clutched onto the fabric that was Yunho’s shirt and his heart swelled until he thought it would explode. “It’s never too late, Jae.”
Burying his face into the crook of Yunho’s neck he clutched him closer, “I’m sorry,” He sobbed, “I’m so sorry, Yunho…” His voice lowered to a shaky whisper, “Can you ever forgive me?”
Jae didn’t know what Yunho’s reaction would be…but the other’s body had begun to tremble ever so slightly. “Jae…”
“Just-please…” Jae sobbed, “Give me another chance?” He breathed deeply and began to rant, “I know you just divorced and I know I was never right or how I should be, I just…”
“BooJae,” Jaejoong stopped hurriedly at the sound of his old nickname. He’d never realized how much he missed it. “It’s okay,” He heard a muffled sob, “Just come back to me, okay? Come back home, where everyone’s waiting for you…”
Jaejoong couldn’t reply, his hand on his mouth to keep his crying quiet even though it had little to none affect. He eventually managed to form a nod before collapsing into Yunho’s arms.
And Yunho was there, he would hold him up. Even after everything he had been through, after all the problems Jae had brought on him, he was still there…and Jaejoong couldn’t find a way to thank him enough. His crying slowed as his heart began to soar, the stone cage around it shattering to pieces. “Yunho?” He wiped his nose before turning his head up.
There was a hum from above and he continued in a broken tone, “I love you.”
Maybe it would work out this time.
No…not maybe…
He would make sure it would work out this time. He wouldn’t let his life go again.
TITLE: Apologize
AUTHOR: Rangiku.Charlize
GENRE: AU, Drama, Angst, Romance
RATING: PG
PAIRING: YunJae, Jaeho
SUMMARY: Jae had made a lot of mistakes in his life but none as important or flawed as letting Yunho go.
WARNINGS: Um…a bit of angst…but it gets better; I don’t really know what else
DISCLAIMER: The usual. I do not own, though I wish I did.
AN: I was scrolling through my iPod the other day and I figured why not make a few fics based on songs? I’m sure you all know this song, it’s vastly overplayed and over now though…but I still love it. (Apologize - Timbaland feat. One Republic)
Jaejoong wanted to sigh again but found he did not have the heart to. He glanced around the bar with hooded eyes that had developed dark circles beneath them. He was almost thirty and had yet to find a solid job other than the bartending that he had always found himself coming back to. Something about pouring the drinks helped him to stay off and away from them. Watching other people destroy themselves and being the one serving them their release had never been good for his conscience, but had still helped him. He mixed another vodka slime before fighting his thoughts and memories that threatened to swell back into him. Things that were best left forgotten had been creeping up on him lately. He was unsure of the reasons but whenever he had the time to spare, the memories and accusations would come back to him as if being hit by a tidal wave.
It was the reason why he hadn’t been getting much sleep for the past few months. He would find things to occupy himself to keep the regret from exploding inside of his heart and constricting his chest until he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He had talked to Junsu about it and he had cooked enough food to feed an army to distract himself. Yet it still wasn’t enough. Writing no longer satisfied his need as he always found himself writing music, and the fact didn’t do any good to his already broken soul.
He watched the doors to the bar open and he watched as a tall man entered. A slender hand and a once strong body crossed the threshold. He glanced up and was abruptly thrown five years into the past, his memories swirling around him.
The fights, the screaming, the anger. It all came back to him and Jaejoong fought himself to get the emotions back in to order. They swirled out of control as he choked on a sob. Breathing deeply, he knew this was not the place for this, but the familiar face had broken his resolve. He remembered the night he had walked away from his love, his friends, and his life. His chest constricted at the thought.
Three years later, he had received a letter in the mail. By then, he had only been keeping a monthly, if that, communication with Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin. His recalled the utter feeling of abandonment, anger, and despair all at once when he had opened the letter for the first time. It was a wedding invitation.
An invitation, to Yunho’s wedding.
Jaejoong hadn’t gone. He’d since then died his hair blonde and moved to Tokyo, his link to Yunho being deteriorated by the year as he spoke less and less to his once dear friends.
Jaejoong watched as the man he loved stumbled in and take a seat at his bar. Eyeing him carefully, Yunho’s head dropped onto his folded arms. “Beer, please,” He mumbled. Jaejoong glanced around and looked back to his old friend. It was obvious that he was drunk. Jae was unsure of how he had even found his way to a bar in the state he was in.
He checked the clock on the wall and found it was nearly only midnight. His shift ended at three in the morning. Turning to his bartending partner he tapped his shoulder. “You think I could take the rest of the night off?” Jaejoong asked him, a serious look set on his face.
“Yeah, go for it, its dead tonight,” was the nonchalant answer. Jae looked around once again and found that he was right. Nodding once, he untied his apron and said his goodbyes.
He rounded the bar and brought himself closer to Yunho. Nudging him once, the latter tilted his head up and slurred words escaped his mouth, “You got my beer?”
Jae’s nose scrunched at his foul breath. It was obvious that Yunho was so drunk he couldn’t recognize his surroundings. “Come on, up we go.” Hooking one of Yunho’s arms around his shoulder, he hauled his heavy weight onto his body and turned to the door.
“Oh, are we going somewhere?” Yunho chuckled. Waving once at the single bartender, Jae proceeded out of the back door.
Yunho was singing about something or another and Jae rolled his eyes, glad that his apartment was close by. He didn’t know what to make of this situation. A man he had left years ago was now back in his presence, drunk off his ass. He wondered what had happened to him. Yunho, after all, had never been much of a drinker. Jaejoong happened to know that better than anyone. The only reassuring aspect of his circumstances was that Yunho hadn’t seemed to lose or gain weight since he’d last seen him, or held him in his arms… Jaejoong shook the thoughts away.
It didn’t take him long to get to his building, and he was forever thankful that there was an elevator. Struggling to enter his apartment, Jaejoong dumped the taller man onto his own bed. Taking a deep breath, slowing his labored breathing, the blond dropped to the carpeted floor and leant back against the bed.
He stared at the ceiling for a few moments before turning back to the man in his presence. The soft snoring alerted him of his status, asleep and safe. Jaejoong wouldn’t want it any other way. Of course, he wished it were in different conditions, but some things couldn’t be helped. Glancing around, Jaejoong found that he wasn’t tired. Kneading his sore neck, he dragged himself to his feet and headed towards his kitchen, where he made a cup of tea, slowly and carefully as to not wake the other up, before moving to the balcony.
Sipping his tea, Jae sat down on a wooden stool and let the wind hit his face. Why was he here? Of all places, why did Yunho turn up in Tokyo? It had been months since he last contacted Junsu, Changmin, or even Yoochun for that matter. They couldn’t have told him where he was. But thinking about it now, Jaejoong thought that maybe they didn’t have to.
Looking back on the years he spent without them, he found himself wondering what he had achieved from running away. He hadn’t gained anything from denying his feelings, and all he felt when Yunho was married was remorse and jealousy. A few days after he had skipped his best friend’s, once lover’s, wedding, all he felt was guilt.
It still weighed on his heart like stone casing…preventing it from beating.
Placing his cup down, he drew his small blanket closer in around himself and looked at the stars. If there was ever a wish he wanted to be granted, he would have wanted to go back in time and change his actions. He would have forced himself to have the courage to tell Yunho those three little words that he had never said out of shame.
But all this thinking of wishes had him falling deeper into a pit of darkness, where he knew eventually nothing was possible...because wishes didn’t always come true. Feeling the tears well in his eyes, Jaejoong lifted a hand to cover his sobs. If only he had told him back then. If only he wasn’t so shy, so shamed, so stubborn. If only…
“If only”s had never done people any good.
Wiping a tear from his face and sniffling, he placed his empty mug onto the stone balcony. It landed with a soft clink. Glancing back into his kitchen, Jae sought the time. It was almost five in the morning. Surprised by this, he had spent almost four hours outside. He wondered when his toes had gone numb and the blond turned to find that the sun had started to rise. Leaning his arms on the railing, his forehead rested against the metal bars, his eyes intently watching the ball of fire rise.
There was a thump from inside the apartment but Jaejoong took no head because all the hidden emotions were suddenly pouring out of him as the sun’s light burned his eyes. His vision was being blurred by his tears. He felt them running down his face and he couldn’t stop the choked sobs that escaped him. Why had he let him go? Why had he simply turned away from him? How had he done it? He felt his heart tearing from the regret and he wanted to close himself up and never come out, knowing that his decisions were some that he could not simply take back. He had long ago lost the will to live, but the sudden appearance of his love triggered something in him and unlocked his hope. Hope that left him helpless and bleak.
Nothing good could from this hope.
The sliding glass door was suddenly thrown open and there was a loud gasp and then: “Jae!” Jaejoong spun at the sound of his name and his heart abruptly stopped beating, his mind leaving, replaced with jumbled words and blanks.
A single name left his lips in a breathy sigh, “Yunho…”
The other man was groggy, probably hung over to a point where his head was pounding, maybe still a little drunk. In any case, the silence stretched between them. Jaejoong’s gaze turned to the floor before he looked into the wind. The sun was clearing the horizon, casting its orange light over the grey buildings.
“Jae, where have you been?” Yunho asked, his voice soft and being carried by the wind. He heard Yunho step forward, his bare feet coming into view and the younger man took in the scene as well.
He didn’t answer for a moment, “…around…” He hoped Yunho wouldn’t say he had been looking for him. The remorse it would have caused would have been too much for his already fractured soul to handle. Yunho was staring at him and Jae swallowed a sob before he asked his own question. “Why are you here? Where’s your…wife?”
There was another silence and Yunho answered quietly, “We’ve been divorced for a few months now…” Jaejoong’s gaze turned to him quickly, confusion written over his face. Yunho was watching the sun, and after a snort he said, “I’m sure you would understand…why.” His head dropped, a dark mane of hair following it. The younger man’s face was covered by the hair but as he turned back towards the sun, tears were shining in his eyes, “I couldn’t bring myself to love her…”
Jaejoong’s body quavered violently and an unexpected headache was brought on. “Jae…I could never have loved anyone after…you left me.” The blunt sentence caught him off guard and Jaejoong wanted to run away in shame. He wanted to hang his head low, maybe move to a remote area and live in exile as punishment…hopefully he would go crazy and forget about this heartbreaking problem. But no, he had to face it. Now that Yunho was here, in front of him, still as handsome as ever, he had to expose the thoughts that had been rehearsed in his head for the past five years.
Jaejoong bit his lip and glanced to his feet in thought. The clock ticked away as the silence stretched. “I’m…” He began, but stopped when he couldn’t find the right words. Trying once more, Jaejoong looked at him, “I know…” and Yunho’s head turned. Their eyes met for the first time in many years and Jae’s tears over flowed. They were the same eyes he loved all those years ago, so full of life and love… He wiped away his tears and said, “I know it’s probably too late now…to…” Jaejoong wanted to turn away his eyes, but found he couldn’t, so he swallowed before forcing his thoughts out, “To apologize.”
Yunho was studying him quietly before he stepped closer. Jae saw the tears trail down his love’s cheek before his vision was suddenly full of a large shoulder. He found himself in a familiar embrace that had his stomach flipping and the nervousness rose into his throat. “Why?” Jaejoong’s fingers clutched onto the fabric that was Yunho’s shirt and his heart swelled until he thought it would explode. “It’s never too late, Jae.”
Burying his face into the crook of Yunho’s neck he clutched him closer, “I’m sorry,” He sobbed, “I’m so sorry, Yunho…” His voice lowered to a shaky whisper, “Can you ever forgive me?”
Jae didn’t know what Yunho’s reaction would be…but the other’s body had begun to tremble ever so slightly. “Jae…”
“Just-please…” Jae sobbed, “Give me another chance?” He breathed deeply and began to rant, “I know you just divorced and I know I was never right or how I should be, I just…”
“BooJae,” Jaejoong stopped hurriedly at the sound of his old nickname. He’d never realized how much he missed it. “It’s okay,” He heard a muffled sob, “Just come back to me, okay? Come back home, where everyone’s waiting for you…”
Jaejoong couldn’t reply, his hand on his mouth to keep his crying quiet even though it had little to none affect. He eventually managed to form a nod before collapsing into Yunho’s arms.
And Yunho was there, he would hold him up. Even after everything he had been through, after all the problems Jae had brought on him, he was still there…and Jaejoong couldn’t find a way to thank him enough. His crying slowed as his heart began to soar, the stone cage around it shattering to pieces. “Yunho?” He wiped his nose before turning his head up.
There was a hum from above and he continued in a broken tone, “I love you.”
Maybe it would work out this time.
No…not maybe…
He would make sure it would work out this time. He wouldn’t let his life go again.