Oct 24, 2006 01:41
Do any of us really know who we are? I feel like I don't understand myself, when I do something I don't understand or feel or think about something I can't explain it bothers me. We have our perceptions of ourselves and what other people see. Do those perceptions ever line up, do we know what really motivates us to do things? I like to think that I want to help my friends with their problems because I care about them so much, could I possibly be driven by a deep seated need for conflict in my life? I don't know why I would even bother to question these things but I am.
I know my decision to be a religious studies major has proven to be head scratching to some people. Have I ever shown you a side of myself that would seem to support that decision? I would never claim to be a deeply religious person, and I don't openly express my religious views because I think that religion is more of a personal matter. I don't turn to religion simply because of a book that tells me an omnipotent being somewhere out there loves me and tells me so. I turn to religion (and most of them have this) because it provides an example of (and even if its all made up) people who are good in the face of everything and I some day hope to be that kind of person. I could cite some examples of when I've tried to do this and either failed or succeeded and I know I'll never be able to be the way I want because its not part of human nature. No one will ever be perfect, life is a struggle to be the best person you can, and I take my guidance from religion.
Am I a good person...simply being nice and believing in a higher power doesnt make you a good person. It takes things like taking care of fellow people, be it giving a friend a shoulder to cry on, or to the less fortunate on Brown Street who I can't say no to for the life of me even if I really don't have any spare money. I know that this may seem like a pointless rambling even sound self-critical; but for some reason I don't understand I don't feel like a good person right now. Is my perception of myself simply shallow and overly critical? Do I really succeed in my attempts to help people or can my good intentions turn into more pain and misery? If I do figure out who I am will I like what I find. Do your perceptions of me lead you to think I'm a good person? Have we ever held a deep conversation about anything that gave you insight into who I am? Does the way I act betray something about my interior person that is hidden behind the face I project to the world? Can you say that you know me well, could I say I know you well?
I could ramble on for even more lines but I need to go to bed, so good morning, day or night depending on when you read this.