(no subject)
I'm in Colorado right now. I wanted to do a big huge going away post and get people's addresses and numbers and stuff before I left, but of course I was lazy and kept putting it off and then I spent my last day in NY in a much better way than sitting in front of the computer.
Every day I've spent out here so far -- whether it be on the road, sleeping under the stars in New Mexico, standing knee deep in compost or manure, or listening to my stupid Ipod lying on a hammock in the mountains -- has been one of intense soul searching.
I've realized that I didn't have as strong of a sense-of-self as I thought that I did, and I'm really confused right now. Leaving home was the right thing to do, I need this time to think and reflect and grow -- but I have to admit, it has been sort of scary and rough at times.
But moments like those have been equally spaced out with moments of pure joy, excitement, and wonder. I love the west. I love the desert. I love the mountains. I love the trees. I love the stars and the huge, huge, huge blue sky. There are definitely people I left behind that I wish I could share this with, but I know it's something I need to do alone.
I've been living by myself in a teepee, and it's been really good for me to learn how to gather all the sticks and pine needles and chop the logs and stuff to build a fire in there and just kind of learn how to take care of myself in the woods. I'm rediscovering and reforging a connection to the earth that was so just...not there back in NY.
There are two people, a husband and wife, who own the land and they're kind of working toward building a sustainable educational place there. I'm still really awkward and quiet around them, but they're good people. Part of this challenge for me has been to balance my hermit time with the communal aspect of living in a place like this. I still feel like I'm not getting enough time to myself, but I guess I'd probably feel that way no matter what I was doing.
There's no running water or electricity -- we can power a few things with a solar panel though. We have to haul water from a spring and boil it to drink it. No computer, cell phone reception, or TV. No showers. And I know a lot of you might be rolling your eyes and thinking that it sounds ridiculous or like I'm living in filth, but you know what? I've never been happier and never felt cleaner in my life.
This isn't subway filth and city pollution on my hands -- this is good, clean, mother Earth.
I want to take this time to apologize to anyone I've interacted with over the past year and a half. The person you were talking to wasn't really me. It was definitely part of me, the part that was most easily expressed because it was bullying the gentler, more honest part, but it wasn't what you should have had to deal with. Any time I was just really fucking negative or awful or cruel or just...you know.. UGH -- I'm sorry.
I'm not going to come back until I'm changed. I'm out here to figure this shit out, figure out who I am, and learn to live with myself. I can't live with anyone else before I learn to do that, and that was a big part of the problem. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or who the fuck I am, but I'm finally starting to feel like I can enjoy that process and the road to figuring that out.
The next time I see you, I want to be somoeone I feel good about. I want to radiate enough light to bring other people along the path with me. I want to live a life based on joy, a life based on courage, and a life without fear.
I hope things are going awesome for everyone else.
Every day I've spent out here so far -- whether it be on the road, sleeping under the stars in New Mexico, standing knee deep in compost or manure, or listening to my stupid Ipod lying on a hammock in the mountains -- has been one of intense soul searching.
I've realized that I didn't have as strong of a sense-of-self as I thought that I did, and I'm really confused right now. Leaving home was the right thing to do, I need this time to think and reflect and grow -- but I have to admit, it has been sort of scary and rough at times.
But moments like those have been equally spaced out with moments of pure joy, excitement, and wonder. I love the west. I love the desert. I love the mountains. I love the trees. I love the stars and the huge, huge, huge blue sky. There are definitely people I left behind that I wish I could share this with, but I know it's something I need to do alone.
I've been living by myself in a teepee, and it's been really good for me to learn how to gather all the sticks and pine needles and chop the logs and stuff to build a fire in there and just kind of learn how to take care of myself in the woods. I'm rediscovering and reforging a connection to the earth that was so just...not there back in NY.
There are two people, a husband and wife, who own the land and they're kind of working toward building a sustainable educational place there. I'm still really awkward and quiet around them, but they're good people. Part of this challenge for me has been to balance my hermit time with the communal aspect of living in a place like this. I still feel like I'm not getting enough time to myself, but I guess I'd probably feel that way no matter what I was doing.
There's no running water or electricity -- we can power a few things with a solar panel though. We have to haul water from a spring and boil it to drink it. No computer, cell phone reception, or TV. No showers. And I know a lot of you might be rolling your eyes and thinking that it sounds ridiculous or like I'm living in filth, but you know what? I've never been happier and never felt cleaner in my life.
This isn't subway filth and city pollution on my hands -- this is good, clean, mother Earth.
I want to take this time to apologize to anyone I've interacted with over the past year and a half. The person you were talking to wasn't really me. It was definitely part of me, the part that was most easily expressed because it was bullying the gentler, more honest part, but it wasn't what you should have had to deal with. Any time I was just really fucking negative or awful or cruel or just...you know.. UGH -- I'm sorry.
I'm not going to come back until I'm changed. I'm out here to figure this shit out, figure out who I am, and learn to live with myself. I can't live with anyone else before I learn to do that, and that was a big part of the problem. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or who the fuck I am, but I'm finally starting to feel like I can enjoy that process and the road to figuring that out.
The next time I see you, I want to be somoeone I feel good about. I want to radiate enough light to bring other people along the path with me. I want to live a life based on joy, a life based on courage, and a life without fear.
I hope things are going awesome for everyone else.