I Want to Escape From My Skin
For what feels like forever, I've tried to distract myself from everything that's happening. I try really hard to focus on something else, something happy or fun or just different, so that I won't think about all the broken things I don't know how to fix, but it all comes back when I have more than a few minutes to think. It's at least once each day, but most times I can control myself enough not to completely crack. This is so...so...so...not one of those times. Right now I'm losing my fucking mind so hard that all I want to do in the world is get away from it; I don't want to be anywhere in particular, with anyone special, but I do want to go far, far away.
I am sick. I don't know why. Doctors I've seen space any vistits months apart and I can't go to anyone else because I have student health insurance. I do know it makes me crampy and stabby and achy every second, literally, of the day, but because I'm not green or my head isn't swollen twice normal size, people are reluctant to believe me. Doctors included. So, yeah, I'm kind of dealing with it by myself and it's frustrating. I wish I could put a finish line on it, when someone will fix it, but I can't, and that's as bad as being sick because it feels endless. I start graduate school this fall, and it was supposed to be Js responsibility to find work and health insurance, but I begged for months of Drs visits for him to send out applications and it's just now being done. I'm petrified to not have insurance because, beyond exams, I need about ten bajillionmillion pills every month. Buying all of it without insurance will be impossible.
Meanwhile, this marriage is killer. I don't care if I'm not the #1 concern of other people, but not being his is fucking awful. Starting less than a month after that wedding, and then again every 2 or 3 months right up to 3/19/2006, he reminds me where I stand by doing something that breaks my heart so badly I can't stop crying, can't eat or sleep, can't concentrate, just can't really feel anything but sad for weeks. In front of people he's so quiet and nice versus my loud and evil that it seems the situation is always that way, but really I'm reacting to who he is when no one else is around. I'm always distracted when he isn't with me, scared he's up to it again, and of how bad this same God awful fight will be having to hear the same worthless promises.
I kept quiet for a year because each time was so horrible and drawn out it'd end with "one more chance", and because I wasn't ever around anyone I could talk to since I mest a majority of my friends through him, and ultimately he's the one they'd still hang around. I could've talked to Kristen and Kendra since we were, are, and would still be really great friends, but while we aren't estranged, we have grown into separate lives. When I finally told Kristen last week it was nice to have someone listen.
So, yeah, the past month broke me, I think. Act normal, feel like I'm dying, Act normal, feel like I'm dying, etc. It's really fucking hard when someone you love kills the part of you that's IN love with them. It's really fucking hard being sick when your insurance forces you to use a student health clinic whose doctors only know how to prescribe ZPACK antibiotics and cough syrup. No one can really swoop in and rescue me, or fix it all real fast. I'm aware. I just couldn't fucking stand holding it in anymore, and maybe for right now I'm not as tough as usual, so everybody be nice to me, k?
I am sick. I don't know why. Doctors I've seen space any vistits months apart and I can't go to anyone else because I have student health insurance. I do know it makes me crampy and stabby and achy every second, literally, of the day, but because I'm not green or my head isn't swollen twice normal size, people are reluctant to believe me. Doctors included. So, yeah, I'm kind of dealing with it by myself and it's frustrating. I wish I could put a finish line on it, when someone will fix it, but I can't, and that's as bad as being sick because it feels endless. I start graduate school this fall, and it was supposed to be Js responsibility to find work and health insurance, but I begged for months of Drs visits for him to send out applications and it's just now being done. I'm petrified to not have insurance because, beyond exams, I need about ten bajillionmillion pills every month. Buying all of it without insurance will be impossible.
Meanwhile, this marriage is killer. I don't care if I'm not the #1 concern of other people, but not being his is fucking awful. Starting less than a month after that wedding, and then again every 2 or 3 months right up to 3/19/2006, he reminds me where I stand by doing something that breaks my heart so badly I can't stop crying, can't eat or sleep, can't concentrate, just can't really feel anything but sad for weeks. In front of people he's so quiet and nice versus my loud and evil that it seems the situation is always that way, but really I'm reacting to who he is when no one else is around. I'm always distracted when he isn't with me, scared he's up to it again, and of how bad this same God awful fight will be having to hear the same worthless promises.
I kept quiet for a year because each time was so horrible and drawn out it'd end with "one more chance", and because I wasn't ever around anyone I could talk to since I mest a majority of my friends through him, and ultimately he's the one they'd still hang around. I could've talked to Kristen and Kendra since we were, are, and would still be really great friends, but while we aren't estranged, we have grown into separate lives. When I finally told Kristen last week it was nice to have someone listen.
So, yeah, the past month broke me, I think. Act normal, feel like I'm dying, Act normal, feel like I'm dying, etc. It's really fucking hard when someone you love kills the part of you that's IN love with them. It's really fucking hard being sick when your insurance forces you to use a student health clinic whose doctors only know how to prescribe ZPACK antibiotics and cough syrup. No one can really swoop in and rescue me, or fix it all real fast. I'm aware. I just couldn't fucking stand holding it in anymore, and maybe for right now I'm not as tough as usual, so everybody be nice to me, k?