RP LOG with imgrounded | Wading through the delusion

[randybyname]

Randy knew she was shaken, and it didn't have anything to do with what she had affectionately come to term the "phantom pregnancy". When she had gotten home from the hospital after witnessing the aftermath of the accident, she had cried herself stupid in the car before even making it back inside. She lost track of how long she sat there, and it was probably the early hours of the morning before she pulled herself together and dragged herself inside. She didn't shower, she didn't eat, she just crawled into bed and hugged Peter's pillow until she managed to fall asleep from sheer exhaustion. The talk with Lachlan had been nice, and she even found herself agreeing to meet with him again the following morning for a coffee so they could continue their talk when RJ decided to puke all over Lachlan's shirt and he had to go home to change. Peter must've gotten home a short while after her that night, but she wasn't aware when he did, just that instead of prying his pillow out of her grip and disturbing her, it seemed he just opted to share hers. When she woke up again in the morning, he was once again gone and back at work. It would be a miracle if he didn't keel over from lack of sleep.


After going three rounds with the toilet bowl, convenietly ignoring why that would be, she had shoved on some jeans, a hat and a hoode, not having the energy to make much more effort. She met with Lachlan for coffee, and was shocked when he allowed her to ask him questions about the shooting and actually freely answered her, especially about the PTSD, which she was studying for her final assessment at college. And then she nearly fell off her seat when she got the guts to ask him to be her case study, and he agreed. She went back home around lunch time feeling tired, but a bit more better in spirits. But somewhere between watches Beaches on the TV and taking a call from Mel, Randy's mood took another low-flying swing downwards. Head once again in the toilet bowl, she found herself crying on the bathroom floor over the fact Aiden was hurt and Pat was hurt and that the little lost puppy on the washing liquid add was lost. She also had a desperate urge to eat mocha ice cream with strawberry topping even though her stomach was churning. She was shuffling down the stairs in her pyjamas, hair a mess, eyes red and puffy from crying, wiping her nose on some soggy toilet paper and navigating her way to the kitchen when the front door opened and then closed, and Peter's voice called out her name.

Before Randy had a chance to react, or dive under a table and hide in her horrifying state, he appeared at the bottom of the stairs and she just froze like a deer caught in headlights, the toilet paper clutched in her hand like a lifeline. Where had the bloody time all gone?! She sniffled, and tried her best to tell herself she looked aweome, maybe her body listening and miraculously tranforming itself into poised, groomed psychologist-to-be rather than wife of Swamp Thing. Instead of something witty and interesting coming out of her mouth, though, a sob caught in her throat and renewed tears splashed down her cheeks. It was just like Mel on the phone, who had started crying when a sad song came on her iPod. "I'm not crying!" she sobbed pointless and then hid her eyes with the shredded toilet paper.

Peter's arms were full of take-out, a brown paper bag from the pharmacy, and a bunch of flowers for Randy. He dropped them all as soon as she started to cry again, and moved up the stairs to meet her halfway. His arms wrapped around her as he cradled the back of her head, and pulled her against him protectively. The conversation with Nathan was still fresh in his mind, but he hadn't been expecting to come home and find his girlfriend hiding behind shredded toilet paper.

His heart automatically ached for her, and he just wanted to do anything to stop Randy being upset, but he was almost too scared to ask what had happened. Peter kissed the top of her head as he pulled back a little, and smoothed his hand over her hair as he looked at her. Even like this she was beautiful to him. He couldn't help it, every time he saw a different side of her he just seemed to fall further in love. Even when she was being mental. "Then what's with the leaking?"

"Because I look like shit and I hate looking like shit," Randy said tearfully, trying to push the tears away but more just insisted on coming. She huffed wetly in annoyance, only the response caused her to need to blow her nose which just trashed the toilet paper even more. She proceeded to bury her face in his shoulder, risking the horrifying indignity of getting snot all over his shirt and then snaked her arms around his waist. For a long few moments she just stood there, a couple more small sobs catching in her throat as she tried to fight off the weird emotions crawling around inside her. "I sound like Kermit the Frog!" she finally added in another teary wail.

"Okay, see, that really does make things awkward because I don't want to be accused of having sexual fantasies about Kermit the Frog." After a moment he smirked lightly and rubbed his hand against her back. "But I know it's not easy being green. And you don't look like shit. You look beautiful. Just a little watery, that's all." Peter took his hand away briefly to pat his pockets and pulled out a wad of napkins he'd grabbed from the Chinese place just in case, and offered them to her. "You gonna talk to me about what's going on?"

Another sob caught in her throat, but only because now she was wallowing in self-pity, she may as well wade there for a little longer. "I'm green!" she agreed tearfully. She took the napkins and wiped her nose, watching him over the top of them as she tried to sniffle back the tears. She took the wad of napkins away, puffing out her cheeks as she tried to regain her composure. "Everything is just so sad! It is. It's really sad, and everyone hurts, like that REM song... that song..." She looked at him, more tears spilling down her cheeks just at the mention of it. "And you know what? Puppies should have homes, they all should. There should be big puppy houses where they can live so none of them get that lost look like on the ad!"

Peter frowned a little as he watched her, trying to keep up while he brushed his thumb against her cheek to try and wipe away some of her tears. "You know what, you're right. There should be big puppy houses." He nodded a little, even if he still wasn't quite sure which ad she was talking about. It felt like a lifetime since he'd been able to just sit and watch TV and enjoy it. Most nights if it was the two of them, and they were watching something, Peter was asleep before he realised. Randy was the first person in a long time to make him relaxed enough to actually sleep. Now he was guilty for passing out on Randy until she nudged him awake. "So everything is... sad. Is there a reason why everything was sad? I saw Nate at the hospital today. Just before I left. He told me about Pat and Aiden, about you being there."

Randy's eyes searched over Peter's face, wondering initially what Nathan knew, and what he didn't know. He knew the whole situation was just huge from all angles, it was hard to wrap even a normal person's head around it, let alone one as messed up as hers. She nodded, a small frown appearing on her face. "I saw them. I was there to bring you dinner and I was waiting for the chick at the desk to give you a message, only I don't think you ever got it. It all exploded before anything could happen. I saw you there, taking instructions from the doctor... Riley, wasn't it? I saw both of them. Aiden first and he was all..." She turned a little green, a small gag catching in her throat as she remember the sheer amount of blood. She pressed the napkins to her mouth trying to contemplate if she was going to throw up again, but she fought it, even if when she spoke again, her voice was a little hoarse. "I haven't ever seen anything like that before... at least, not since Matty... when he... there was just some bad memories coming back."

Peter swallowed. Truth was he'd seen far too many horrible things. He was almost desensitised to the sight of that much blood, and the idea bothered him. Doctors and nurses were trained to handle horrific sights, but it could still get to them emotionally. There was still some initial shock. Only Peter rarely bat an eyelid these days. Sylar had a lot to answer for. His own Dad had a lot to answer for. He had never wanted Mel to see anything like it, but now he was too late. He tilted his head as he arched his eyebrow slightly. "Since Matty what? I'm so sorry you were there, baby. I would never... If I'd have known, I would have got you out."

"Matty got me out. I was just... I know it sounds screwed, but once I was watching, it was like I couldn't stop. Like watching a scary movie but you are waiting for the end to try and reassure yourself it'll have a happy ending. Does that make sense." Randy started to feel drained again and moved to drop down on the step, wringing the napkins in her hand. "When Matty was sixteen, we were only fourteen, he got messed up. Drugs. Heavy, heavy drugs. He changed, almost to a scary point. We hardly saw him. Then we got a call that he had been rushed to hospital with an overdose of a bad hit of ecstacy. We went there, and he had been throwing up blood, they were trying get his heart to start again. He had a heart attack or something, I can't remember. It wasn't the same with Aiden and Pat, but things just twig in your head, you know? Matty cleaned up and he was okay once he recovered. But that time of our lives really sucked."

Peter sat down on the step next to her, and put his arm around her shoulders to hug her close to him. He kissed the top of her head before he rest his cheek against it. "Yeah, it makes sense. It happens with accidents all the time, so of course it happens with the emergency room. We'd stop and stare too if it wasn't for the fact we have to help these people. It's morbid curiosity. You can't help it. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you." Peter stayed quiet as he listened to Randy, and squeezed her a little tighter before he reached out with his free hand to brush the backs of his fingers against her cheek. "Shit. That's... That's intense. I had no idea. I never would have pegged him for a drug user, or for doing anything to push you two away."

Randy started chewing on her thumb nail of her free hand and gave her head a small shake. "Neither did we. It was like he changed literally in the blink of an eye. One minute he was Matty, next he was telling our Dad to go fuck himself six ways from Sunday in a screaming match on our drive, looking like he was some sort of... zombie version of our brother. It all happened so quickly. When I think about it now, it seems like it all happened in just a few days, but it was more like a few months. Six, maybe? Give or take. We tried to help him and talk to him, but you know drug addicts. He wasn't listening, didn't want much to do with us, but he didn't know what he was doing. He fell in with the wrong crowd, one who had easy access to all the shit. It's so... terrifying how easily someone you love can slip away from you. You don't always have time to catch them before they fall, no matter how much you want to."

Peter nodded slowly. "Tell me about it. There's never enough time... Never enough ways to try and convince them that they're harming themselves. I still can't see it, but I guess we all have... moments. Dark moments. You understand that Aiden and Pat are going to be okay though, don't you? It's going to be a while, but they'll get through it. Aiden had a really close call. He had glass in his throat which was only half an inch or less from slicing his main artery. It was a lot of blood, but they gave him a transfusion and now his body's just recovering. He's in a coma, but sometimes it's needed. The body just has to stop."

"I know, to look at Matty, it's almost impossible to imagine. But the whole thing scared him shitless, and he worked hard to recover. We were so proud of him. He even went on to be a counsellor for young kids in the earlier stages of drug abuse, looking for rehabilitation. It's what helped him decide to be a nurse, too. It's a lot of why he's so protective of us, too. He knows there really are things out there that can hurt us, and he doesn't want us to go through what he did. He comes on strong, I know, but other than that bad time, he's always been the most amazing big brother. Once he chills, he'll be fine with you and Nathan. Once he knows your intentions are in the right place..." Randy swallowed again, wetting her lips. Her stomach was still really upset, but it was an odd sensation in that it didn't quite feel like any illness she had before. It was just a sensation of feeling sick, no other symptoms. "I-I know... I do, I guess. Lachlan explained some of the blood thing to me, he's a haematologist. He explained it from his own experience, though... and hearing about that really made me think about things, put some stock into what I have. I just didn't realise any of the thing with Pat and Aiden had hit me so hard until I got home. I just sat in the car and cried. I couldn't stop. Things looked intense, scary. Like, there was no way of even telling right then that Aiden was alive, let alone if he would stay that. Are you okay? I mean, when it's someone you sort of know, it's gotta be real hard."

"Me? I'm just tired, but don't worry about me..." Peter gave her shoulder a squeeze and almost started to laugh. She was the one in tears, and sick, and pregnant, and witnessing horrific scenes, and she was still asking him if he was okay. "There's, ah... There's something else I really need to talk to you about, though. I just wasn't planning on coming home and finding you green. My intentions are in the right place, so he can trust me on that. I don't ever want to hurt you if I can help it. Just wish I could have protected you from being hurt by other things. You should have said something, Randy. You should have told me you saw all that. Still, if you did actually talk to Lachlan about it then that's a good thing. I don't want you feeling like you need to keep it all to yourself."

Randy hugged her arm around her middle, hunching forward a little. "It wasn't intentional, I promise," she told him, searching over his face to make sure he was understanding. "We just haven't managed to fit on the same page since it happened. I've been so tired, and your shifts were all over the place. The only reason I didn't tell you was because I haven't had a chance. I was going to. I was. It was hard trying to put it in words, though. I didn't really talk much about it to Lachlan. He just did a lot of the talking and reassuring because he was experiencing it, too. Pat's his best mate, and I think he just naturally has the right words. I want to be like that one day, help people."

Peter leaned forward so he could catch her lips in a soft kiss before he pressed a kiss to her cheek, and then another one to the top of her head as he tucked her hair behind her ear. "It's okay. I'm actually glad I was here for this otherwise we might have just kept staying off the same page, and I don't want that. I really, really don't. I need us on the same page again, even if it means you're still busy with study, and my shifts are all over the place. I haven't had much chance to talk to him yet, but I can see that. He seems like a pretty wise man. It's rare to find these days." Peter gave her a soft smile. "You'll help people. You will. You helped me."

"I think he just loves life so much and is thankful every day for having a second chance. With a mantra like that, you gotta see the world differently. Too many people in this day and age have their heads up their asses. But if you nearly lose your life and see people you love suffering, you must just start to think differently. He believes in miracles. I'm thinking I need to take a leaf out of his book." Randy was feeling a small chill crawl over her, just probably from the fact she was tired and run down. She had a deep urge to put on her daggy pyjamas and frog socks, and get into bed, staying there for a whole day. She looked back at Peter with a small smile. "I haven't done anything. Probably driven you nuts more than anything. I tried to warn you I was an acquired taste. What do you need to talk to me about?"

"Hey, I happen to think I've acquired your taste," Peter replied softly. "I'm definitely looking to acquire any other tastes. I'm a green man now. Strictly into frogs. Which isn't mean to sound as insulting as I think it might. I ran into Nathan at the hospital," he started gently, watching her face. "He caught me at the end of my shift when I was trying to come home. We started talking, and I wasn't exactly open when we first started, and I was also exhausted, and he was talking about Mel, and you, and seeing you and trying to kiss you. And how you'd been behaving just like your sister. I might have slipped up..."

Randy's eyes were huge as she just looked at him like a deer caught in headlights. "Slipped up with what?!" she found herself squeaking. She barely remembered running into Nathan. She was sure she left her brain in the car when she got to the hospital. She knew she pushed him away though, she just hadn't meant for it to be so intensely. She just panicked a little when her twin's boyfriend's lips were getting extremely close to her face. Not that Nathan looked like a monkey's butt or anything. But Randy wouldn't ever betray Mel, not even by accident.

Peter bit down on his lip, his grip on her a little tighter. "Telling him you were... pregnant." He froze, waiting to see what was going to follow. He wanted to be prepared, because if he were honest, he really didn't know which way Randy's emotions were going to go. And if he was about to get kneed in the nuts, or have a sobbing girlfriend on his hands.

Despite all the craziness, Randy was still Randy under all of it. Her first reaction was to want to give him a healthy smack in the head, but she managed to refrain by squishing her hands down in between her knees. At first, she just glowered at him, her mouth hanging open as her brain fought to catch up with his statement. "You don't bloody know I'm pregnant for sure!" she finally exploded, unable to stop her voice raising a couple of octaves. "You can't just go around telling everyone I am when I might not even be! I don't go around telling people about your things! Do I? I haven't even told Mel!"

"I know!" Peter raised his hands with his palms facing her as he moved off the steps back down to the take-out bags. He fished out the brown paper bag from the pharmacy, and stayed standing as he held it out to her. "It just slipped out, okay? I kept my mouth shut all this time, but I was fucking exhausted, and it just... I couldn't help it. I don't even know how the hell you're keeping it to yourself, because I'm at my wit's end here. I can't even talk to you about it. You just change the topic, or ignore me. So I'm taking matters into my own hands, and if you need me to take a piss in front of you so you're able to pee on a stick, then I can do that."

Randy stood up, glaring at him as the 'not-pregnant' mood swing took another turn. "How often do fucking secrets slip out when you're exhausted?!" she snapped accusingly. "How would you like it if all your secrets slipped out when I'm fucking exhausted?! You don't think I'm allowed to take a little bit of time to get used to all this before we confirm it? That I maybe need some time to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do about being a pregnant whale during my final exams when I'm supposed to be kissing the ground that I'm finally graduating?! I'm not ready to be all happy and excited about this yet, because I'm just fucking terrified! And when do I ever bloody ignore you?!" she finally added, feeling herself well up as a niggle of hurt bit in her gut at him saying that.

Peter immediately sat back down beside her and pulled her against his chest. "Hey, hey... no, not like that. I just mean there's a little bit of selective hearing if I try and ask how you are in the mornings. I didn't mean a general ignoring. See? I really am dumb when I'm exhausted. And look, if you did let out some of my secrets why you were tired... I'd... be pissed for a little bit, but forgive you?" he offered quietly, his voice going up an octave in the hopes she would forgive him. "I just... Mel's pregnant. You might be pregnant. Nathan's got a head start in all this, I'm still floundering. I'm not expecting you to be happy right now, or much of anything. I just can't cope with the denial. You either are, or you aren't. We're either trying to figure out a game plan, or we don't need one. You still don't... if you can't keep it, I'd understand. I'd never ask you to give up your study, or the career. I'd be a stay at home Dad. I don't have a problem with that. The nursing isn't such a huge thing. I can live without for a little while, even until the kid's ten, or something. I've had my graduation, and my career. It's just a job. I love it, but at the end of the day it just stops me from sitting around twiddling my thumbs."

"I just feel like I'll suck as a mom. I don't have any of that mojo and I didn't even think about any of that stuff. It always feel like way off whenever the subject came up. It was like it was for everyone else, you know? Then Mel was pregnant, and that was scary enough, but she can pull it off. She's different to me. I've always been more selfish than her, more focused on things that aren't important to anyone but myself. I don't even know how to be pregnant! I could learn how to use condoms and I rocked at that. 'Birth' only ever went with 'control' in my brain. Not 'birth' and 'baby'. Ever. It's not really denial, it's just a sheer incapability of fucking thinking about this at all. My brain implodes every single time I try," Randy told him helplessly, her voice shaky.

Peter rubbed his hand against her back and kept his cheek resting on the top of her head as he felt his heart twist in his chest. He wasn't good with the emotional help, not really. Everyone figured he was amazing at being empathic, and identifying with people, but how was he supposed to identify with this? He hadn't been pregnant before, he didn't know how she was just meant to be a mom. "I think you'd be better than you think," he started in a low whisper, "I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your brain just needs a certainty to latch onto. You can't grasp the concept if there's no proof."

Randy's face scrunched up and her shoulders slumped, which was a feet, considering her posture was already defeated and had been for a few days now. "There's proof..." she mumbled and then sighed heavily. "I'm late. Not even a little bit. More like over two weeks late, and I've never been late in my life. Meaning, I haven't had a period in about six weeks, and that I probably got pregnant around Valentine's Day, or... you know... a couple of days after it when you fucked me into oblivion after that string of long shifts you had. Meaning I'm probably around five weeks, and due around the third week in November," she reeled off tiredly and then looked up at him. "I Googled."

Peter just stared at her for a long moment before he kissed her forehead and started to brush his fingers through her hair. "I still got you a test. I... I didn't know what else to do. I'm sorry you Googled. I'm sorry I fucked you into oblivion, and I'm sorry my sperm's so super strong that it bursts through latex. I know the timing is beyond bad, but we'll get through this. You're not alone, and I really would give up the nursing to be a stay at home Dad. You can go and help fix people."

Randy was pretty much useless of late, so she really wasn't surprised in herself when she just looked at him for a couple more beats and then promptly burst into tears all over again. She brushed her palm over her eyes to try and wipe them, but it was useless. "I'm not crying because I'm unhappy," she sobbed. "I just need you to know that. I don't know why I'm doing it, but I just do, and then I don't, and then I do again. Then I start throwing up like a tsunami, and then I stop, and I then I start again! My boobs hurt so much I've been walking around with icepacks stuck down my bra and looking like Dolly bloody Parton! Which really isn't a good look, you know? And I keep getting this weird headache that just drills behind my left temple, and I can't stand the smell of toast cooking!" But the tears started to ease off as quick as they started and she wet her lips, tugging at her pyjama top when she started to feel hot and sweaty again. "You can't give up your work, you're too good at it, it's what you're meant to do."

Peter gave her a crooked smile as his eyes swept over her face. He really did love her. "How do you know what I'm meant to do, when even I don't know? I thought I was meant to save the world, but look how that turned out. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just meant to be here, with you now. Maybe even a family man. I'm glad you're not crying because you're unhappy, but it hurts knowing I can't really fix it, or the boobs. I just promise I won't ever cook any toast. I think you just need some more rest, baby. Maybe a bath?"

Randy nodded. "Okay," she agreed in a small voice. "And just for the record, I'm reserving the right to hate this whole pregnant thing with a passion, from start to end. It's horrible, and I don't know how anyone actually likes it, even if they get, like, a big prize at the end of it. I don't even know how I'm going to get through it. This is too much for one body. I should have been born with a penis. You all get it easy with your wet dreams and random boners."

Peter's eyebrows went up, and and he couldn't hold back a chuckle as he leaned in to kiss her forehead. "If you did have a penis, I might suddenly find myself gay. Not even a gender change is going to stop me loving you. You can hate it all you want, I promise never to try and make you love it. I'll admire you from start to finish for going through it, and just be ready to get my balls squeezed when you're giving birth the big prize."

Randy looked up at him, her facing scrunching up a little. "I thought we could just skip that part, maybe ask for a fast-track? Pay someone else to have it for me? I've already decided that if I really am pregnant, it's going to be a really tiny baby. Maybe about the side of a tennis ball. Then we can just inflate it when it's out of me, feed it lots of carrots."

Peter nodded his head as he tried not to start laughing again. "Sure, of course. Tennis ball inflatable carrot eating baby. Stranger things have happened."

Randy gave him a firm whack in the arm. "You aren't allowed to mock me, either. I'll cry and make you feel bad. I have first dibs on the bathroom at all times, too. If you're shaving, and I need a pee, you're just going to have to deal with it because I have all this gross shit going on right now and you're in it with me the whole way. The good, the bad and the ugly. You'll dread me striking up a conversation over breakfast in case I want to talk about constipation and hemorrhoids."

"Hey!" Peter exclaimed as he pulled away to rub at his arm. "I didn't need that. I can handle you peeing while I'm shaving. I think you'll work out I can handle a lot. I'm not afraid to take on your whole gross shit and ickiness. And I'm not mocking before you hit me again! Just because you're pregnant that doesn't mean you get to beat me up."

Randy frowned. "I barely tapped you, you big wuss," she snorted and pushed her hair over shoulder, starting to walk away. "You knocked me up, I'm allowed to make you hurt too, occasionally. That's the way it goes."

Peter caught up with her, slipping his arm around her waist since he'd decided he would help her with the bath. Just not touch her breasts. Ever. Even if he already missed them. "You're a harsh mistress, Randy Murray."

Word Count | 5,378