Fort
I think from the moment we met I pictured this playing out like it did. I feel like my feet have been walking this path with a steady certainty, and my head has never resisted, never acknowledged the inevitable conclusion despite any repercussion. It felt perfectly predetermined. I fantasised my way through the entire process from the second I decided to get this tattoo, with an ideal conclusion lingering in the back of my mind which I self-actualised. More fucking amazingly perfect than I could have ever imagined. I hope I never forget the feeling of that night. I don't feel much guilt. I feel more of a realisation that I might have more problems than I'd care to admit to myself. I think I might need help, but I'm not really sure I want to tell anyone. I'm a pretty fucked up person sometimes and I don't really want anyone to see that. I don't really know how to fix this right now, because I don't really know what I want. I don't think I've ever really fully committed myself to the permanence of my situation and I've always felt that our time was limited... But I DO want to do good, and be a good person and I think she deserves better than this. I feel trapped and depressed a lot lately, and I think I'm just lashing out because of how unsatisfied I am with my life right now. I can't admit to anyone how fucking powerless and weak I feel in my day to day life, I'm really angry and resentful all the time and I don't know how to fix that aside from indulging my base instincts... eating, fucking, and getting high.
I think I should smoke less weed probably. It never did me wrong though, and always seems to help me with these moments of clarity, which makes quitting really hard. I've just got this small part of my brain that tells me I'd be more 'successful' without it. More productive and with a stronger sense of clarity and purpose. Maybe I could use that clarity to improve my life situation a little.
I feel like I'm falling behind all my peers and I might be losing touch, I need to play 'the game' better but my head is always on the sidelines, just trying to fucking pull itself together enough to show up.